Dealing with unwanted advice

Photo courtesy of Getty Images

Whether you’re a mother or a father, or simply pregnant with your first child, no doubt you’ve experienced this hideous phenomenon. It starts the minute you announce your pregnancy, and I’m not convinced it ever stops after that.

I remember when I was pregnant with Miss 9, I was told not to wear the dress below which is a maternity dress ‘because it will squash the baby’.

I look back and realise the only danger was that I’d left photographic evidence of a dress that is now shockingly out of fashion!

In the first year or so, well-meaning tips from self appointed ‘experts’ can be tiresome and we are at a loss as to how to deal with them. My above example made me laugh at the time, but the reality is, some comments can be annoying, some can be hurtful when they undermine your parenting ability and when you get too many of any sort, it just gets really tiresome.

Over the years, I have devised a few comebacks that have led to less unwanted advice from rude (or just plain idiotic) people, and/or just given me some personal satisfaction. What? You wouldn’t be satisfied sticking it to the old biddy who tells your baby that ‘Mummy is very naughty letting you do that!’?? Puh-lease!

There are a number of approaches you can take with the givers of unwanted advice, and it all depends on your mood, your comfort level or perhaps even just how bored you are. So try these ideas on, and see if you can find a ‘fit’.

Nod and smile
Also known as, ‘I don’t want to cause a scene’, or ‘Too tired to care’. Is the town drunk declaring to the entire shop that when she was a baby, they didn’t mess around with all these new-fangled remedies for teething? Well, as soon as she loudly and proudly declares that her mother always rubbed brandy on her gums, and she turned out alright (as she sways and slurs), you just put on a relaxed smile, glaze your eyes over a little, and nod. Mmmm hmmm… Oh yeah… Great… A nice, easy response that takes very little effort.

Have a little fun with it.
Have you even been standing in a long line at the bank with a complete stranger behind you, asking personal questions about your baby? I had one lady ask me loudly after the birth of my daughter, ‘oh, so did you have a vaginal birth?’ What the hell?? I could hear snickers, and see ears cocking up, tuning in to hear the answer to the overly personal question.

Just as loudly, I stated, ‘why YES, I did, actually! And how is YOUR vagina after childbirth? Is it good?’ No further questions, your honour.

Comebacks for special occasions
These are the comebacks reserved for those special situations that recur with the regularly of Valentine’s Day, Birthdays and St Patrick’s Day.

Tantrum time
You’ve all been there. If you haven’t, you will be one day. You are going about your day-to-day business, buying food for the family, or paying a bill. Every man and his dog is in the vicinity. Mr Three wants a Chuppa Chup. You say no. Begging ensues. No. Next thing you know, your precious little darling is on the floor screaming and throwing the mother of all tanties. Everyone looks to see what you will do. Some wrinkled old fart loudly declares ‘that boy wants a smack!’ Some woman puts on a sickly sweet voice full of pity for your child and begs you to just let him have it.

Everyone’s breathing through their mouths and not blinking. This is better than tv for them. How do you deal with the tantrum? Well, that is up to you, and that’s a different post for me to write another day. More importantly, how do you deal with them?

You stand up straight. You hold your head up high. You very loudly and clearly say to your cherub, ‘Oh look! Everyone’s staring at you because you’re throwing a tantrum!’ Be sure to point for full effect. I guarantee that every single person will put their heads down, turn away and avoid any further eye contact for the rest of their stay in the establishment. You can now deal with your child however you see fit, without the torture of knowing you are being watched, measured and weighed on your abilities.

‘Don’t you have a TV?’
Yes, yes. You think we have too many children. Or that we had them too close together. Or you just like making dirty jokes. Ok, so what do we say? ‘Oh yes, we do have a TV, but we watch a lot of porn’.

‘My mother toilet-trained me at 6 months old/fed me solids from birth/gave me cordial in a bottle/insert more ludicrous examples here, and I turned out just fine!’
Oh yes, I can see that!

Or, you can just do what my darling partner did when an angry old man screamed at him for having our son in a pram when he should be walking: ‘Get f****d.’ Direct. Satisfying. But you must know the children are out of earshot for that one.

What unwanted advice or interference have you encountered since parenthood? And what are your favourite comebacks?