Laying good foundations for pre-teen girls

These school holidays have been an eye opener for us with our nine year old daughter. One minute she is lovely, co-operative and helpful, and at other times, we’ve been horrified to see some hormonal, early adolescent attitude and erratic behaviour emerging. She’s trying to assert a new independence now, and be a little more ‘adult’.

The trouble being, of course, that she’s nine. So after a nice family trip to the library, I came across a book that I had heard highly recommended by others: The Princess Bitchface Syndrome by Michael Carr-Gregg.

(I would like to disclose that clicking on this picture will take you to an Amazon.com link)

I felt a little horrible borrowing a book with a pretty nasty name. But, I like to think I was discreet, so as not to hurt my daughter’s feelings. My fiance, less tactful, pulled the book out, and in shock, guffawed, ‘Oh, I think I’ll read this one!’ Yes, he has been on the receiving end of quite a bit of her mood swings…

I have read about half of this book so far, and it is really putting my mind at ease on a lot of issues we are having now, or are terrified of having in the upcoming years. It discussed the idea that many Australian adolescent girls are sexualised too early, wearing thong underwear, mascara, getting professional pedicures, using mobile phones, and so on. My daughter does/has none of these things. It mentions how many girls go straight to putting posters of celebrities on their walls before they become teenagers and lose interest in things such as ponies, cats, or whatever their interest was prior.

The book touches on how adolescents today don’t get to experience that in-between stage that most of us generations before got to at that age. How they are thrown into more adult type interests quickly after having more child-related interests. I talked to my fiance about this idea, and we likened it to us watching Degrassi Junior High as 12 year olds, yet we know of kids that age watching shows such as True Blood! There’s not the same transition for many of today’s teens as there was in the past.

And with all this new behaviour in the holidays, worrying about where we might have gone wrong, or might be going wrong, I feel pretty good. But in no way cocky, I promise you this! But for now, it’s given me some direction on how to ease this process since she (thankfully) isn’t in what I’d call full-swing adolescence just yet. Here are some things I’ve decided to start with, which for me is mostly about slowing the process down so that both she and we can take more time to come to terms with the changes ahead:

- To encourage her to take more responsibility for things she can manage and which she enjoys, such as putting her clean clothes away in her room, drying dishes, etc. Teaching her skills she will need when she’s older and more independent.
- To enjoy the fact that she is more interested in dragons and cats still, and not pinups just yet, and work with her to decorate her room just how she’d like it.
- To hold off letting her have a mobile phone, a facebook account, and god knows what other stuff she just doesn’t need, that I see other girls her age using. When she does need a mobile phone, I would prefer to get one without a camera (is that even possible nowadays?) and with a pre-paid account.
- To keep the focus off the appearance for as long as we can, and avoid falling into the trap of letting her become sexualised too early in life.

- Get her back on the fish oil! (Since moving house, we’ve been a bit slack with that)

In short, all the things we’ve been doing anyway. It’s nice to feel better about the path we’re on thus far though, and I really look forward to reading the parts of the book that discuss how to interact with girls going through these moods so we can make it a more positive experience for everyone. So far, when she’s had a little ‘blow up’, we’ve just been acknowledging with her what her rights are and reminding her of what our rights are too. An example; the other night, my fiance knocked on her door, then walked in. In a sarcastic voice, she said quite nastily, ‘ever heard of knocking?’

Both were quite angry with each other. Once my fiance settled down, he said that he felt bad because he knows she needs privacy and decided he’d make sure next time she heard him knocking and would wait for an answer. The next day, I talked to her about this incident, and explained to her that we both understood that she had a right to her own privacy and that Dad would next time wait for her okay to come in. I then asked that in return, could she please remember our rights to be spoken to with respect, and that if she has a problem, to keep calm and talk about it in a more pleasant tone?

Both parties were very happy with this arrangement, and later when my daughter saw her Dad, she apologized for being rude, and he for not waiting for her okay to enter the room.

So far, this book is focusing on the ‘why’ part of these mood swings, and that is helping me a great deal. It’s not so hard to remember what it was like for me all those years ago. I think the scariest part is that so much has changed for teens since then. But it’s a great read, and for anyone with girls heading for adolescence or already there, I highly recommend it.

And if anyone has any tips on what’s worked for them during this stage of a girl’s life, I’m all ears! What worked for you? What didn’t? What are you still struggling with?