Let me paint you a little picture: you’re out shopping. You’re tired. Your three year old child is tired. You both just want to finish the shopping and get the hell home. You’re at the counter, and almost out the door. Your little angel has decided to demand something shiny and exciting (to them) on the display shelf next to the counter. Something you have no intention of buying. You say ‘no’.
Before you can say, ‘someone get me a valium sandwich!’ your precious one is writhing on the floor, screaming at full pelt. Everyone is looking at you. I’m not sure why, since you’re not the one screaming. I think it’s because they’re all waiting to see what you’re going to do about it. Or to wonder where the hell you went wrong to raise such an evil hellion. You’ve gotta love ‘em…
If you’re having an especially bad run of luck, these same people will weigh in with useless advice:
- give the child a belting.
- shut your little brat up.
- just buy it for them.
Sadly, none of this is helping, since there’s a high chance you are trying to quickly come up with a plan of action yourself, and the strangers in the store who know what your child needs so much better than you do, are adding to your stress.
Are you nodding yet?
With a two year-old girl and a three year-old boy in this house, I sure as hell am. I deal with this at the moment on a daily basis, multiplied by two. So now is a good time for me to post about this, whilst it’s fresh in my mind.
The short answer to, ‘how do I stop tantrums?’ is, you can’t. Sorry. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many exhausted, frazzled-looking parents running around all over town. The good news is, over the next few days I’m going talk about things we can do to make it as painless as possible for both mother/father/carer and child.
I’ll be talking about:
- Why children have tantrums, and the two main types of tantrums there are.
- Working out your child’s tantrum triggers and how to avoid them.
- Language we can use to minimise and prevent tantrums.
- What we can do if a child still has a tantrum and how to keep your composure if it happens in a public place.
- How to be a good ‘witness’ to other peoples’ children having tantrums in public.
I’d like to state at this point, that not everyone will always agree on the one way to deal with tantrums. Some people take a strict approach and others like a ‘gentle parenting’ approach. My approach lies somewhere in the middle. My way is not the be all and end-all, but it’s what I choose to use, and readers can take what advice they like and leave the parts they disagree with. As long as children aren’t being harmed, I’d like to think we can all be respectful of the different ways that parents and carers approach this.
I’ll end with a question for you: what is the worst tantrum a child in your care has ever thrown?
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This will be great! I always need a refresher to keep my parenting techniques up to scratch. I can’t think of any particularily bad tantrums that weren’t caused by pushing the boundaries of hungry and tired. There’s a lot of “I didn’t get my way” mini tantrums at my house these days.
I’m pretty much through the tantrum phase with my first (she’s about to turn 4) and my next is ready to go (he’s 19mths)! I made a Tantrum Tracker to keep track of triggers last year which helped. Nothing flashy, it’s just a free download on my blog if you’re interested. Here’s the link http://squigglemum.com/featured-articles/tantrum-tracker/
I look forward to reading your next post on tantrums! Always good to have another perspective
.-= SquiggleMum´s last blog ..Do You See What I See? =-.
Clearly I’ve been very lucky so far on the tantrum front – probably mostly due to avoiding the tantrum triggers! When my four-and-a-half-year-old was about two-and-a-half we used to sing a little ditty by some very well-known rock’n'rollers – “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – and, can I say, from time to time it annoyed her a bit, but I think she understood the point – that no-one can always have everything they want. And from time to time now she sings it to herself, perhaps to remind herself of this fact (or maybe cos it’s just a really cool song). I have a feeling it’s going to be more of a battle with my 20-month-old, so I’ll be reading closely over the next few days (as always!).
My nearly 4yr old has been really testing us lately, his Dad works away three nights a week, so we have three nights of I miss my Dad and the rest of the week he’s over excited because his Dad’s home, and the behaviour is gradully geting worse. Nice to see others having a similar time of it, look forward to reading more.
Kristin, I’m finding writing this is helping me to be a little more ‘fresh’ in my approach too, lol! And yes, tiredness and hunger can certainly amplify a tantrum.
Squigglemum, thanks so much for sharing your tantrum tracker! It’s a great way to become more aware of what is going through a child’s mind and what we can do to help in future.
Sal, yes, you probably did avoid the triggers well! We’ve done the Stone’s song too! Would you believe that? It’s just so perfect. I have say too, I’ve never met your daughter, but if she’s anything like you, or if you’ve rubbed off on her, then she probably has a great ability to put her thoughts and feelings into words, and is very smart like her mum? LOL. I think focusing on language is one of the best ways to get through the tantrum phase quickly and remove much of that frustration.
Pippa, yeah, changes in routine can be hard, can’t they? I hope things settle down for you soon:)
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..Why children have tantrums =-.
We’re currently in a cluster tantrum phase with our three year old. She’ll tantrum about nothing, settle down for a little bit and then start again. Luckily our worst tantrums have been at home – once she screamed for an hour because I took her nappy off before her bath – being helped is apparently way up there on the fear scale for our girl, she’s even had nightmares about it (crying in her sleep and saying “NOOO! I want to do it myself!”).
Recently we’ve started to do containment holding with her. It can be a little tricky because you have to hold/contain her before it gets too bad or all is lost. Generally though, if I get to her in time and hold her still she’ll calm down and stay calmed down otherwise one tantrum can be drawn out forever.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..I need a holiday =-.
Sorry I didn’t answer your comment sooner, Bec, I’ve been doing the rounds! I can relate to the type of causes that you talk about, lol! I have heard of containment holding. I personally don’t use it, but it if works for you, then that’s the main thing
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them =-.
Does any one here follow the advice of super nanny at all? Has it had a positive effect if you have?