What can you do if your child has a public tantrum?

I hope you’ve been enjoying my tantrum series.

As promised, I’m going to talk about the most feared of tantrums, the public tantrum. Before this, let’s look back on what’s been covered:

Why children have tantrums

Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Using language as a tool against tantrums

So, we’ve talked about what causes tantrums, ways we can prevent them and how to build up our childrens’ communication skills to help get through the tantrum stage more smoothly. But what about if you have implemented all of these strategies and your child still has a tantrum anyway?

Relax. Remember, it’s a normal part of a child’s development, and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It can take time for a child to learn to accept that not everything will happen they way they want it to in life, all the time. I have focused more in this series on understanding the motives behind tantrums and preventative measures, because I believe that it’s all the work we put in here that pays dividends.

I’ve yet to meet two parents who’ve ever agreed 100% on the best ways to raise children. Most parents and carers have varied yet passionate opinions on how to deal with a child who is throwing a tantrum. I’m going to reiterate that these ideas are only my approach, and I enjoy open discussion on the wide variety of ways other parents deal with it. Don’t be afraid to be creative in your approach, try your own ideas. You know your child better than anyone else in the world. As always, let’s respect each others’ differences and let everyone have the freedom to have the floor with their opinions.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, I’m going to focus on the tantrums where a child doesn’t get something they desperately want. I have a few ‘constants’ that do not change, regardless of the childs’ age:

I don’t say no, then say yes after the tantrum.

Your child wants an ice cream. For whatever reasons, you’ve said no. Child screams, maybe even throws themselves on the floor. This is stressful for parents and carers. Often it seems easier and so tempting to just say, ‘oh, alright then, you can have the ice cream!’ If you do this, I guarantee that the tantrum will stop instantly. I also guarantee that your child will throw more tantrums in the near future and will probably take longer to move out of this tantrum stage of their lives.

What happens when a child is given in to like this, is that the child is rewarded for expressing their wants in an inappropriate way. No, we don’t expect perfect behaviour from a one year old, or a three year old. It’s normal for them to try to see what will work for them. But it’s up to us to teach them better ways to express this. When we teach our children that screaming for what we want doesn’t achieve the desired result, over time they become capable of finding other ways to ask for things, also to accept that sometimes it’s no.

What would happen if we applied for a job and didn’t get it? Asked a potential love interest out on a date and were rejected? Would kicking and screaming help the situation? No. Does this mean that we expect our children to behave like adults at all times? No. We expect our children to try inappropriate behaviour, and then we repetitively teach them what the actual expectation will be of them in the real world. We spend this time preparing them.

So if it’s no when my child first asks, then it’s no after they’ve had a tantrum too.

Ignore the tantrum.

Now, I don’t want people to say, ‘but what if they’re hungry/tired? They’re upset because they need something!’ Yes, I agree. In those cases, if that is the cause, as I’ve already covered in previous topics, you deal with it. But today I’m talking about dealing with tantrums where a child does not like hearing the word, ‘no’.

I find that a child tantrumming over not getting what they wanted is much like dealing with someone who is ranting when they’re drunk. You can’t reason with them during the rant. I personally choose not to reward the behaviour with attention. Once they have calmed down, then I will talk to them about the situation. I am a strong believer in letting a child have their thoughts sometimes. Giving them time to themselves to reflect on what they are doing. Thinking about if it’s even working. I remember back all the way to two years of age in my childhood. I remember throwing tantrums. One of the most loving things my parents did for me was to leave me alone with my head, and let me make sense of it. If I am concerned that my child is in danger or putting others in danger, then I move them somewhere safe and leave them to it.

Create a diversion.

I’ve added this idea more for the very young tantrummers, say between the ages 1-2 years old. Because their attention span can be shorter, often we can redirect the behaviour towards another activity or interest. A child may be ready to scream for that ice cream, but if we can say, ‘look Gretel, there’s a fire truck! It’s big and it’s red and let’s go play with it/look at it!’ sometimes the child will forget all about it.

Some may consider this rewarding the behaviour. I disagree. They’ve forgotten their tantrum, and they didn’t get the ice cream, did they?

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