This is the last installment in my tantrum series.
Last time I wrote about tantrums, I touched on public tantrums and just how stressful and difficult they can be for a parent or carer to deal with. I talked about how busy the adult is, possibly already stressed by the errands they are running, then the child who is tantrumming, which is finally rounded off with an unhealthy dose of public interference.
This post is for anyone who’s ever judged another parent or carer of a child who had a public tantrum. Or worse, criticised or undermined a parent/carer’s best efforts at dealing with the tantrum. I write this in the hope that a parent/caregiver/child is treated better by a stranger as a result.
Dear stranger, please respect how we manage our child/rens’ behaviour.
Nobody will ever agree 100% with another parent/carer’s approach to behaviour management, but as long as the child is not being abused or put in danger, please respect that we may do it differently to how you would, and that is our right. To publicly criticise us, especially in front of our child, undermines our authority as parents, and then if they end up in juvey at 13, you will no doubt blame us, the abovementioned parents because our children ended up having no respect for us.
To throw another method/technique/idea into the works would be confusing to the child anyway.
Do not interrupt an adult dealing with a child having a tantrum
Do not talk over the parent. Do not say within the child’s earshot, ‘oh, that’s alright, he can have it!’ If the parent has said no, that needs to be respected. Do not confuse the child.
Do not stare/tut/shake your head at parent or child.
Both already feel embarrassed, stressed and frustrated. One day this could be you. Or maybe years ago, it was you, and you’ve conveniently forgotten this fine detail.
Can you do something to help?
Years ago, when my first child was two, I was trying to walk home with her, carrying far too many plastic bags of shopping. My daughter was refusing to walk, and was trying to wrestle her way to the ground and run to the road. I was trying to carry her home quickly, and juggle her and the bags. It was quite the spectacle.
Next thing I knew, a lady around my age came outside, and my guard instantly went up. Oh my god, I thought. She thinks I’m beating up my child. Or she’s going to tell me I should be. Instead, she asked me how far away I lived, and if I would like her to carry my bags so I could carry my daughter home more easily. Of course, I didn’t want to put her out, but she reassured me I wasn’t, so I said yes.
As we walked home together, she asked how old my daughter was. On telling her, she replied that she had a little girl at home the same age who would love to play with her! We exchanged numbers, and our two little ones ended up having quite a few playdates.
Most of the time, a parent or carer wants to be left to get on with the job of dealing with their child without interference. What if there were more people in this world like this lady, who offered to help with some other part of your errand and left you to deal with your child unhindered? To offer to unpack your trolley onto the conveyor belt as you managed your child’s behaviour? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if more people did this, rather than stand and gawk or criticise?
What do you wish others would do when your child has a public tantrum? And by the same token, what could you do for another parent in this situation, without undermining that parents’ methods?
Very wise words! In most cases I feel compassion for a parent dealing with a tantrum in public. Also a little bit of private relief that it’s not me.
.-= Kristin Glasbergen´s last blog ..Cakes In A Pan =-.
That’s a really great post Sharon, it would be a very rare parent who hasn’t experienced a child tantrumming in public. A good reminder about how to help other parents (rather than just look at them sympathetically.) xxx
YES!!!!!! This should be pasted to every flat surface so people won’t interfere. Never undermine the parent (even if you think they’re really bad parents and you know they are from past experience!). Some children also have emotional impairments and just melt down at times you wish they wouldn’t. You can’t “tell” by looking at a child if they are emotionally impaired or have a disability that might trigger a tantrum, and even if the child isn’t impaired/challenged in any way, it’s still best to turn away and not “enjoy” the spectacle of a tantrum. Be discreetly on hand if you think any harm might come to the child, but let the parent handle it. Great advice, mum!
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..Things I’ve Learned Lately =-.
Kristin, same here!
I’m glad you liked it, Inner Pickle:) Empathy can do wonders for another parent
That is so true, Kathy. And sometimes, we may not understand a parents’ approach, because we don’t know the child. The parent may know that this is the one thing that will work for that child, and who are we to tell the parent what would be better?
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..I’m joining the nuddy bloggers!!! =-.
Thank you for this! Unfortunately I remember very vividly the few times when strangers made awful comments or stared at me while one or both of my girls were having a public meltdown. It makes me forget the times when they behaved well and discourages me from going places with my girls sometimes. I just wished that people would have left me alone to handle my children, unless they really had some way to help me as did the lovely lady in your post. Or a look or word of sincere understanding would have been fine too.
I’ll definitely be reading the rest of your series!
.-= Steph´s last blog ..My First Feature! =-.
What a wonderful interaction between you and that mom who helped out during the tantrum. And what a nice thought to keep in the back of our minds. Not butting in, but looking for ways to help. We moms really need to look out for each other like this.
Yes, Steph, even just an understanding nod can be all we need…
CK, I agree it was a beautiful moment, and it has made me think differently about not only how we are treated when our children have tanties in public, but how we choose to treat others.
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..Update =-.
My mother used to help me with Erin’s behavior by giving her everything she wants – I mean seriously everything she could possibly want.
Bec´s last post ..Pregnancy – nearly there
Oh, Bec! I think so many people honestly think they are helping, don’t they? But it’s like that Bug’s Life movie sometimes – ‘help, don’t help!’ lol
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Our new playroom
Sharon, what an excellent post. There is nothing worse than feeling judged, especially when it comes to parenting. We are harsh enough critics of ourselves. And every child is different, so we can’t know what will work for someone else anyway.
Kristin (Wanderlust)´s last post ..Have you voted for Veronicas boobs
Yes — I agree that you can ask if there’s something to do to help. Most people who offer have children (away from them) and are just glad that it’s not their kid having the tantrum!
HA! Oh yes, I’ve had many of ‘these’ moments and I often think: please don’t judge me, please don’t judge me, please don’t judge me. I too have had people offer to help me with a trolley or bags. It’s very kind.
Kelly Be A Fun Mum´s last post ..My Style 11710- Soft Side of Edgy
I got to be a spectator on my own child’s tantrum years ago at a market. He was 3 yrs old and standing with his father about 20 metres away. My hubby took the “ignore and let him ride it out” approach. I watched from a distance, then overheard a couple of ladies criticising “the poor child’s” parents who should be doing something. Little did they know, we were.
When I see a mother struggling with a tantruming child I disappear, because that’s what I usually wish would happen to the people around me when I’m experiencing it.
I try and smile at the mother who is dealing with it. Not in a haha way, but in a ‘I’ve got children the same age, I’ve been there!’ way.
Kristin, I agree. It’s so true, I think often we see a parent dealing with something in a certain way, and wonder, ‘why on earth are they doing that?’ because it’s not what we’d do, and yet only the parents can truly know what will work with that child.
I think that’s so true, Lauren. Other parents can relate so well usually, and I know I’m really grateful when it’s not my turn! lol
Kelly, yes! I remember after I wrote this post, we ate out that night, and my two year old threw a massive tantrum. I got the dirty looks from one other mum, and I really had to try to just deal with my daughter and let her looks be like water off a duck’s back. It may have appeared we weren’t doing anything about it, but we were doing what we felt would work best at the time.
Oh Christie, you got to be a fly on the wall! LOL. That’s the thing, if you’re ignoring the child, people can assume you’re doing nothing, when really you are. I’ve taken to announcing to my child, ‘I’m not listening to your screaming’, just so that people realise I am doing something, because after all, sometimes nothing works better. And I agree, I had a friend in the last town I lived in, and everyone would stare at her when her little one would tantrum at school in the afternoon. I used to just walk away and say to her, “I know you don’t need an audience, so I’m going to just leave you to it”
Lol, Veronica! I think sometimes a smile is all it takes.
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..It’s nice to see gender stereotyping is alive and well
Yep, I also do the “I’ve been there totally understand you” smile.=)
Brenda´s last post ..iHappy Monday
This post would look great at all the supermarket checkouts! People could read it instead of staring disapprovingly at the tantrums! I too feel like I’m being judged when there’s a tanty in full swing, so I love it when people ignore me! I also wish I could put across that I’ve been there too to parents who are in the spotlight
Brenda, really, that’s all most of us want and need, isn’t it? Sigh. lol!
Hmm, Ash.. I might print one out and next time someone’s rude to me, thrust it into their smug little face!
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Toddlers love pull along play
How lovely of your neighbor to help without helping! Tantrums are terrible to endure anywhere but particularly so in public. I usually go the same route as Christie when my kids do it – ignore, ignore, ignore. But, when I see someone else’s kid putting on a good show, I usually make myself scarce. I know they don’t want an audience, and I don’t want my kids to go out in sympathy with kid throwing an tanty.
My MIL and I were talking about this just the other day, how she witnessed a 3 year old having a tantrum in Target and how it was immediately obvious who had children and who didn’t. Those who were parents kept their head down and walked past with nothing but sympathy for the parent. The ones who had not been in that position stopped and stared, or watched as they pretended to look at the shelves. Not until one is in that situation do you know just how embarassing it is
Fern´s last post ..Fire- Fire!
Cajun and Fern, it’s so true isn’t it about just making yourself scarce? Half the time we just don’t want to be stared at lol