Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

So far, I’ve been talking about tantrums and the different types there are. Today I want to get readers thinking in terms of triggers. Sometimes, when our child first starts a new sort of tantrum, we can be mystified as to what made them so frustrated and upset. Often in the heat of the moment, it can seem like they are having tantrums for no apparent reason. When we become aware that certain events can trigger tantrums, and begin to observe what else is going on at the time, we can work on tantrum prevention, or minimising the extent of the tantrum.

Squiggle Mum shared with us her tantrum tracker which can help a parent or carer to remember triggers, or to watch for a pattern, or a commonality in tantrums, thank you Squiggle Mum!

This list is not extensive, but you may be able to relate some of them to your child’s tantrums. If not, it’ll give you a good idea of what sorts of things to look out for. When looking for triggers, my suggestion is to start when you have a full day to just observe your child in their day to day routine. Obviously, you still have other things you have to do at the same time!  But here’s a good list of common tantrum triggers:

- As mentioned before, frustration  at lack of language. I find with my children, it’s usually been because they’ve wanted the same item repeatedly, so I use one word to describe what they want, eg, ‘cup’. When they start grunting, pointing and reaching madly, that’s when I ask, ‘cup? Do you want your cup?’ If they relax and look happy, then you’ve got it! Eventually, they will make an attempt to say the word, even if they don’t say properly, you’ll know that’s their word. Often, a child might come up with a hand action that relates to that item they often want. If you can keep aware of these subtle movements, then it can become a way for your child to communicate with you. Many parents also like to teach their children simple sign language actions to help their child through this stage.

- Tiredness. Does your child often start throwing tantrums a little before bedtime or naptime? Or have they had a busy day and are tired just because? I have sometimes moved my childrens’ naptimes forward by about half an hour, just so that they don’t have to get to that stage. If they are no longer napping, sometimes just some time with a story or other quiet play can help to diffuse a tantrum triggered by tiredness.

- Hunger. Little ones can get grouchy sometimes if they are hungry. Do they often have a tantrum right before lunch? Or dinner? This has been the case with all of my kids at some stage when they’ve been very young, and like the tiredness trigger, moving the eating routine forward just a tiny bit can help to quell prospective tantrums in the future.

- Trying to learn a new skill. Often, when a child takes on a new challenge, such as trying to put a puzzle together, dress themselves, or anything that is important to them to master, at first, they can’t do it. The bottom line is, for a little kid, they just want to do it, and when they can’t, it sucks. An offer of help from a well-meaning parent or sibling can compound the problem, because they don’t want someone else to do it for them, they want to do it themselves.

I tend to say to my children in this situation, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you? You want to put those socks on’. I find doing this first allows the child to feel that someone at least understands their dilemma, and this can often calm them enough for a moment. Kids who hear this also tend to be more open to what you are going to say next, because they know you are both now working towards the same goal. I try very hard to keep my hands off what they are doing for as long as I can (it’s their skill to master, remember?).

Next, depending on the child’s developmental stage, I will either ask them why they think it isn’t working or gently tell them what isn’t working, and make a suggestion as to what might make the job easier. ‘The sock is a lot smaller than your foot, isn’t it? But what if we stretch this elastic out to make it bigger? Then your foot will fit into it better, and you can slide it on more.’ What will often happen, is the child will try out your idea, and it will either work and they’ll feel wonderful, or it won’t work, but because they’ve had the chance to try, they might be more open to letting you help with the last part of the task for them.

- Siblings or other children bothering them. This one is tricky. If another child is  repeatedly upsetting your child, you may not see it very often. The other child may wait until you are not looking before snatching a toy from the child prone to tantrums (especially if it’s a younger child, more so if that child cannot yet speak much), hitting them, saying something to upset the child, or doing one of the many things kids can do to drive each other up the wall. This is where the observation stuff comes in very handy.

Usually, you can try to be unobtrusive and discover what is being done by the other child to bother your child so much. Many parents and carers can get quite a shock at what they find! If you have an especially careful child, you might not see it happen even if you are watching with an eagle eye. When this is the case, I usually get one of the other siblings not involved in the power play to keep an eye out for me, and let me know what the other child is doing.

The great thing about this is that it provides the child throwing the tantrum with an immense sense of relief and you can go on to deal with the other child’s behaviour.

It’s so useful to become aware of the triggers to your child’s tantrums. Facilitating understanding can lessen your frustration with your child’s tantrum, and help you to more clearly come up with a plan of how to deal with it. When parents and carers start watching for the triggers, they often find that the tantrum they have everyday, is at the same time, and at the same part of the routine. My two year old was often having a tantrum session right before lunch, as she was hungry and tired. When this happened, I would quickly put on her favourite ‘The Fairies’ dvd, which settled her instantly, just for long enough for me to make some lunch. I fed her then quickly popped her into bed for a nap. Once I began moving her lunch and nap time forward just a tiny bit, we managed to prevent the whole shebang. So, the main point I’d like to focus on, is that it’s the pattern that we watch for with triggers.

My next post will be about using language to help you and your child to navigate more smoothly through the tantrum stage. I’d also like to just say quickly, that I’m enjoying the responses on this series. I love that everyone commenting is so passionate about their own experiences!