Reflective listening

I know in this current generation of parents, we all feel that we’ve come a long way in being able to talk closely with our children. But if we’re all truly honest with ourselves, sometimes we can unconsciously ‘block’ our child’s feelings when they are trying to express them to us. As I talk about reflective listening, you can find more ways to connect with your child when they are expressing their feelings with you.

Think about when your child is upset. How often have we all felt that it was our job to ‘fix’ it? If our children tell us they are dumb, we reassure them, ‘oh no, you’re very clever!’, or if a loved possession is broken, we rush in to put it back together. This is a positive thing, right?

Well, yes, but not always. Sometimes when we deny our child’s feelings of inadequacy by not acknowledging they feel ‘dumb’, for example, it removes the child’s option to express how they feel about that. As parents, we want our children to feel good about themselves and confident. It pains us to know that they feel in some way not good enough. So we do what we can to try to take it away.

It’s great to fix a broken toy, but do we sometimes bypass the child’s resentment of the child who broke it? Or their frustration that they weren’t able to stop themselves from dropping it?

Kids can pick up on our reactions to their feelings, and in time they may begin protecting us by not telling us if they are upset. It never hurts as parents to be aware of the need to let our children have their feelings and express them. Of course, it’s not acceptable for our children to hurt others or deliberately break things as an anger release, but there are other ways they can let that anger out. They could punch a pillow, stamp their feet, talk with or hug you.

Acknowledge your own feelings, and your child will benefit.

I’ve talked before about our reactions to our own feelings being taught to our children. If we can talk honestly about how we are feeling (without burdening a child with concepts beyond their capabilities), then they will learn that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel the whole gamut of emotions. The more switched on we are to our emotions, the more aware we can be of our child’s.

Talk about the past

I remember when I was 11, and starting to wear bras. My mum asked me if I saw any on a shop rack that I liked. I tried my luck, and pointed to a lacy, black one! Of course, my mum said no. Later down the track, when I was about 15 years old, my beloved Gram told me a story about how when she was a teen, all the girls at school wore black bloomers, but her mother forbade it.

She told me how desperately she and her sisters wished they could wear them too. Then, they moved to a school with a uniform with compulsory black bloomers! My Gram and her sisters were over the moon, and their mother, not amused, insisted that they wore white bloomers underneath to ensure that the black fabric did not touch their skin.

Although she was in her 80′s and I was in my teens, I felt a connection. This woman knew exactly what it was like to be a teen, to want to express herself, and experiencing the seemingly unfair rules that made her yearn for it even more. It made me feel close to her, and more able to tell her about my thoughts.

Listen and reflect

When your child is upset, angry or refusing to do something, listen. Hear what they are saying, then be a mirror and in your own words, reflect that feeling back at them. Your child will open up on a much deeper level than if you simply told them to cheer up. I’ll give you an example:

Today, Mr 4 had repeatedly hit Missy 2. I would hear her cries and see her clutching her face. Me, being pained to see my little girl suffer, wanted to ‘fix’ the problem, and tell my son to stop hitting her. But the reason behind the hitting wasn’t being addressed in this way. So he hit her again.

‘Stop hitting her!’ I scolded, and was met with an angry, defiant face. Then, I realised in trying to ‘fix’ things, I was blocking his emotion. So, I took a deep breath.

‘I can see you are angry at Missy 2′.

‘Yeah, she keeps touching my HAIR!! I don’t want her to touch it!’

‘And that’s annoying you, and now you’re mad,’ I replied.

‘Yes!’ he said. I told him I understood why that was making him angry. Now was the time to let him know that it’s fine to be angry about that, but he must not hit anyone because it hurts. I asked him to tell his sister in a calm voice about how angry he was about her touching his hair. (I resisted the urge to say that I couldn’t blame her, because his hair is beautiful! Don’t block, Sharon!)

He did. She said sorry and stopped touching his hair, and he stopped hitting her.

So, would you try this idea? I remember when I first read about it, it seemed very fake and unnatural. But the reverse is true. It’s such an easy way to open the door to your child’s feelings and resolve issues. It’s as simple as hearing your child telling you, either verbally or non-verbally how they are feeling, and then you saying back to them, how they feel. Let me know if these ideas work for you.