Sibling Rivalry Solutions

When I fell pregnant with Mr 4, my second son, I knew everything would change. Yes, Missy 10 (then 5) had grown up with her three step siblings visiting now and then. But this was different. She was finally going to have a baby brother. Living with us, being raised alongside her. Sharing the affections of her parents.

I knew that fighting would be inevitable, but I welcomed it. I think kids learn a lot about life from those fights with their siblings. They learn how to problem-solve, compromise and think about what is morally right and wrong. They learn how to express anger, frustration and sadness appropriately. Nicole Avery wrote about the importance of not becoming the referee and letting children work through the problem themselves. I fully agree.

What I’d like to focus on today, is the type of sibling fights that can go on all day long, possibly even day after day. This situation can become stressful for the entire household. The children tire of having the same repetitive argument, and parents get fed up with listening to it. Because it continues all day, it’s no longer constructive for the kids to be left to work it out. I find these types of arguments are often caused by siblings who are spending too much time together.

I had a day like this yesterday. Missy 2 and Mr 4 spent the entire day provoking one another, then hitting or pushing each other. Then, they’d whine to us about what the other child did. Missy 10 wasn’t a part of this dynamic, and usually isn’t, because she’s at school. She gets a break from them, and they, her. (Come back to me during school holidays, and I’ll be singing a different tune)

I looked back on the types of days my youngest two have been having. Wake up in the same room (we’ve had to make them share a room for a little while due to renovation issues), have breakfast together. Play together, lunch together, bath together, dinner together, bedtime routine together. I think if I had that much togetherness with just one person, I’d turn on them, too!

So, my solution for the ‘I’m sick of your face’ blues, is to simply split them both up, giving them something constructive to do. I find when siblings fight constantly like this, that the fight takes over their play as well. They forget to play, because they are so focused on the negativity.

My partner took Missy 2 out to do this:

Jumping her jollies out, kicking her aggression into the ball.

…and I took Mr 4 into the studio to do this:

Finding a new focus, concentrating on scissor and gluing skills. I like him to do this for school readiness preparation, anyway. I asked Mr 4 if he was enjoying the break from his little sister. He looked at me with his eyes widened with this new realisation, breathing a massive sigh of relief, and said, ‘YES!’ I explained to him that we all need a break from people sometimes, and that he and Missy 2 would probably end up playing happily later as a result. They could enjoy each other again, as they usually do.

Mr 4 was chuffed at that suggestion. We didn’t have this talk with Missy 2, as it’s probably a bit too ‘heavy’ for her just yet. But in getting Mr 4 committed to the cause of getting along, he made the effort once they got back together. Missy 2 was then also open to make an effort as a result.

….And play nicely again, they did. When it was bath time today, I tried washing them separately, in keeping with the idea of giving them more breaks like this from one another. Missy 2 looked worried. She wanted to know why her brother wasn’t in the bath with her!

It’s true what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Are your kids getting along today?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Regressive behavior in children

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children talk about feelings

Emotional development – initiative

Reflective listening