My two year old daughter and four year old son stress me out all day long. It’s true. They’re both at the age where they are fighting for autonomy and trying to be ‘big’ and helpful. This is fine and dandy, but it can get to the stage where every little thing becomes a power struggle. All developmentally normal behaviour, but terribly draining. What kids this age are really fighting for, is just a chance be heard. To have a say, make a choice.
When was the last time someone demanded you do something, without giving you a choice? Ok, yeah yeah. If you’ve got under fives, it’s everyday, I know! Let’s be more specific. When was the last time an adult demanded something of you? How did you like it? Our kids are no different! And even though Missy 10 is obviously more emotionally mature than her siblings, it’s still important to her, too. As she journeys further through puberty, this need will become more prevalent than ever before.
What if I told you that giving your kids more choices would save you time? Result in happier, more co-operative children? Children more keen to listen to reason? When a child encounters an adult who allows them choices, they are more respectful towards that adult, and receptive to them.
But my three year old can’t handle choices, you say! Everyday, she stares into her wardrobe, pulls all the clothes out and can’t decide what she wants. The idea is to start with choices they can handle, and over time, they’ll be capable of more and more.
The green or the blue?
I don’t give my two children under five a choice out of twenty things. For example, if I’m getting them dressed, I offer two suitable outfits per child, and ask them, ‘which one would you like to wear today?’ This is a simple choice for them to make, it’s not overwhelming, and they can walk away from the experience feeling empowered and important.
Take turns at choosing
It can be challenging when you have two little ones who both want to make a choice about what they’re doing together and disagree. This is just priceless. Two kids throwing a tantrum, because they both just want what they want. Yay. If we’re having tv time, we try to make sure everyone gets a turn to choose. So, Mr 4 will yell out, ‘I want to watch Thomas!’ But the answer will be, ‘no, you chose the dvd last time, now it’s Missy 2′s turn to choose’. Yes, there is some sulking, but because the kids are used to being given turns, they accept it and know their turn will come. It’s important for kids to learn that there are others in the family too, and everyone matters. This teaches them respect for others.
It also makes it easier for them to accept if mum or dad wants to watch their own show. Yes, mums and dads matter too! Some families let their members take turns at who chooses what is for dinner each night. I want to do this, but I’m just not that organised right now! If you can do it though, go for it. It cuts out a lot of complaining about food dislikes. It guarantees that every night, at least someone will like the meal.
Let them choose parts of the daily routine
Kids under five often really get their knickers in a knot when they want to do something themselves. Missy 2 is potty training at the moment. She loves it. However, she was screaming every time she had an accident. Of course, I told her it was ok, but she kept screaming. I couldn’t make out what she was saying. We eventually deciphered that she wanted to be the one to put her undies in the laundry to be washed! This reiterates what I was talking about with tantrums caused by lack of language.
So now, Missy 2, feeling empowered by this new sense of autonomy, insists on always putting her undies in the laundry and walking with me to get a clean pair. As we walk back, she’ll say, ‘come on, Mummy!’ It’s very cute, but she really feels she’s the boss of that moment. I don’t give my kids full reign over all of our routines, but if their days are punctuated by moments like this, it makes their days more joyful. I think it’s nice when everyone in the family gets some say in the daily routine of the household.
All of our kids have created their own bed time rituals too. We still have some shockers of nights. Tonight was a good example of one of those, but I think that had more to do with the fact that all three knew I was planning to write this post! We let the kids choose what they’d like to take to bed, what song they’d like us to sing, etc. They all have different needs.
Missy 2′s are simple. I want to go to bed. She likes picking a flower to take to bed, but at the moment the flower bushes are too bare! But she likes to go to bed, where her pretty flower sheets and butterfly curtains are, that her mum made. She usually picks out a few toys to snuggle with.
Mr 4 needs comforting, as he’s at the age of nightmares, and an overactive imagination. So, as a result, his routine has evolved into a quiet cuddle and a chat about anything that’s worrying him. He’s also been a bit more clingy, because his dad’s been in and out of hospital over the years and will be going back again soon.
Missy 10 likes to read before bed. We mostly let her, unless it’s getting too late. She likes to fill up her water bottle to take to her room, clear her toys off her bed, and she has her bed toys and blankets set up a certain way. She always asks if the puppies can come in to ‘say goodnight’, and if they’re agreeable, we allow it. Sometimes they end up falling asleep snuggling her!
More rope as they get older
As Missy 10 embarks on adolescence, she approaches a time where kids have a biological need to break away from their parents. It’s at this stage, they are subconsciously preparing for adulthood, the big, bad world. As terrifying as this is for us parents, it’s important to not suddenly revoke all choices from them in fear! Can you imagine the rebellion?
I’m finding that our daughter is happy to respect our wishes (rules), if we give her choices within that. So, she can choose the movie we go to see, sometimes, but it has to be something we feel is appropriate. We also try to help her understand the reasoning behind it. Usually, it’s along the lines of, ‘that one’s a bit too adult sweety, but in a couple of years, you’ll love it!’, ‘this one is pretty scary’, or ‘that one’s a bit too rude for kids your age’. We all agree that these are good reasons, so it works out. Because she’s been told she’s getting closer to being able to watch more mature things soon, it’s given her something to look forward to.
It’ll be interesting to see how this all pans out once she’s a teen, huh?
What choices have your kids been making lately?
Other reading:
Emotional development – initiative
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – will you let your child see the movie?
Great post, I love to give my children choices too, I also believe in limiting the options for the younger ones. Miss 21 months is loving being able to choose what she has on her toast or sandwiches, sometimes she even sticks with the choice she makes! lol
My current challenge is teaching her that once she picks peanut butter she can’t change to vegemite after it’s been made … we’ll get there!
LOL, Kelli! Mine two youngest are the same, they haven’t yet got the memo that once it’s made, it’s made:P
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Helping Kids to Make Choices
Lately, I’ve been giving my daughter the choice whether to do a wee on the potty or the toilet. And she has a choice of toilet inserts, too
Tat´s last post ..New Year New Craft
Tat, I definitely believe if you give them a few choices with potty training when you can, it helps to make it more enjoyable and successful for everyone:)
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Helping Kids to Make Choices
When my daughter started into adolescence, I found that I had to shift my focus from rules and regulation …. to freedoms and responsibilities. She needed to learn that with age came freedoms, but along side that freedom came responsibilities. So we set the boundaries, but she was expected to control her own behaviour within those boundaries. But more to that, we TRUSTED that she would. I think that confidence in her willingness to function within our household rules, meant that we had little in the way of confrontations. Of course she is inherently self absorbed, all teenagers are. But changing our parenting skill I think (in the long run) made our job easily. I will pop back and provide a report in 6 years on how I go with a boy …. I have no doubt that it will have its own challenges.
I love it when you share the next step ahead, Dani, thank you:)
Can’t wait til you come back in 6 years and let us know how it went with your son. Both of your kids are so lovely, I definitely thing you’re onto something:)
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Caffeine Withdrawal
I love this list. I already do quite a few of these things (except we are well past the potty stage). My son turns 10 in a few days and I am gradually giving him a little more responsibility and a little more freedom. (Like staying up half an hour later to read in bed after Miss 7 goes to bed.)
He is responding well to that, and earning my trust, although of course, Miss 7 gets jealous!
The hardest part is when he and Miss 7 argue … which is quite a lot. Most of the time they get on well and can be very protective of each other. I love those moments. But when they fight and say nasty things to each other or even hurt each other, I’m often lost as to the best option to take. Lately I’ve found bringing humour into it helps to diffuse the situation.
Parenting is never easy, but it’s nice to know we’re all in it together.
MaidInAustralia´s last post ..Too cool for school
Maid, it’s great if they can read before bed, isn’t it? It lets their eyes get nice and tired
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Still Quitting Caffeine