‘What’s gotten into him lately?’ Us parents often find ourselves asking this when our child’s anger gets out of control. Or more frequent. This is part two of my anger in children series – figuring out what’s gotten our child so riled up.
Talk to me
When my child is calm, and not in the throes of rage, I talk to them about their anger. I look for things that are worrying, upsetting, frightening or annoying them. Over time, I’ve been teaching Mr 4 about how to name his feelings (think in terms of years, not overnight). This means that that when he’s feeling a certain way, I will use one word to describe it. With repetition, he’s learned what disappointment, frustration and a whole host of other feelings mean. It’s bloody hard for a child to express their feelings when they don’t know what they’re called!
My children enjoy playing our felt game, faces with feelings for fun, but it has the bonus of teaching them to identify and talk about emotions. They enjoy acting out the different feelings, making up scenarios, voices and dialogue. With this foundation, I can talk to my child knowing they’ll understand the emotional concepts I mention.
I often use this approach here. (I don’t use it as often with Missy 10, as I can ask her what’s wrong and she’ll easily tell me. But it’s good to have a range of approaches for different personalities). Yesterday, after Mr 4 was more open to talking after an explosive episode, I told him, ‘You’re angry because yesterday I told you Daddy’s going back to hospital for a longer time’
Mr 4 tensed up with fury. I knew I was on the right track.
Him: ‘I don’t want him to go’
Me: ‘You’re going to miss Daddy when he’s in hospital’ He nodded.
Me: ‘Last time Daddy went to hospital, you told me he wasn’t coming back, remember?’ He nodded.
Me: ‘And did he come back?’ His eyes widened, and he nodded some more.
Me: ‘You were so surprised and excited when he came home, weren’t you?’ He nodded, got up, gave me a hug and began crying. (Yes, I had some tears, too!)
I let him cry and told him it’s good to let his sadness out. Next, I told him, ‘you’re worried Daddy won’t come back this time too, aren’t you?’ He nodded, and I reassured him that he’d come back this time too, and it’d be such a happy time. He smiled at this, then became serious. ‘Why did you need a doctor’s appointment anyway?’ Ah-ha!
Can you see how this reflective listening works? Without having to interrogate your child, you can expose their deepest, darkest fears – the ones you wouldn’t have guessed. Let’s face it, we can only deal with these issues once they’re out on the table.
Four is such an emotionally intense age. You’ve got the over-active imagination, the monsters in the bedroom and above all, the most literal interpretation of cause and effect. See, my partner has had a lot of doctor’s appointments over the past year and a half. Notably, when he went to hospital for paint poisoning, it was within the hour of returning from a doctor’s appointment. Is it any wonder, that being four years old, he believes that a doctor’s appointment causes us to go to hospital? The truth is, it’s the illness, and the extent of it that caused it.
Similarly, that time he went to hospital, I was the one who rang the ambulance. My son was two years old at the time, and full of resentment toward me. All he could see was that I put his father there (and my partner was refusing to go!), and when he asked if he was coming home, I was the one saying no. He couldn’t see that the illness was causing the hospital stay then, either. To him, I made the phone call, therefore I caused it.
On further discussion, we talked about how he was afraid that both of his parents would end up in hospital at the same time, and he’d have no-one left to look after him. With reflective listening, we scraped through his anger and sadness to reveal a frightened little boy. I won’t bore you with the dialogue, but of course I reassured him that this wasn’t going to happen at all.
Preventative measures
Once we know the source of our child’s anger, we can use this to take preventative measures. I am making sure to explain everything I can about this hospital stay and checking if he has any more questions or worries about it. Because my son gets very physical when he’s mad, I look for ways to help him have a physical release in his play. I see that it’s important that he spend lots of time with both parents as much as is possible, so we allow for that, too.
He and Missy 2 have had some dreadful fights lately, which have also made him angry. I try to ensure they have plenty of time apart to prevent that anger build-up. I remind myself to give my kids fish oil. It’s annoying how everytime things get stressful around here, I forget to give it to them, when in reality, that’s when they need it most!
Tomorrow, I’m going to talk about teaching our children healthy ways to express their anger. I believe if anger isn’t expressed, it can have destructive effects. My son avoids expressing his anger and bottles it up until he explodes. This is the life lesson he needs at the moment, and it’s the one we’re teaching him. It takes time, but I know we’ll get there.
To get in the mood for tomorrow’s installment, how do your kids express their anger? Are you happy with how they do it? What would you like to see improved?
Other reading:
Dealing with anger in children
Healthy ways children can express their anger
Wow, great post. I’ll be filing this away for future reference.
Glowless´s last post ..Pick Me! Pick Me!
I’m glad to hear it, Glowless:) Writing this helps me to get all of this situation into perspective and to think harder than normal about my plans to deal with it, and if it gives anyone else food for thought, then that’s lovely
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Learning to Use Buttons
Such wonderful parenting, Sharon. I had a nice parenting moment this week; my 7 yo son was asked to help me with the dishes. He was reluctant, angry and getting increasingly frustrated with the task. I asked him if he’d like a hug. To my surprise he melted into my arms, had a good cry, then happily finished the task whilst telling me all about his day. Sometimes they just need a bit of softness.
Christie´s last post ..Tomato Sauce Recipe
Thanks, Christie:) I have to admit, before we got to this stage where he was keen to talk, I had a not-so-great parenting moment prior *blush*. When that wooden toy I mentioned in the other post hit my chin, it was sooo painful I yelled at him, and angrily threw it behind me. I apologised later for throwing it. I guess we all just do the best we’re capable of at any given time, don’t we, some moments we’re better than others.
That sounds like such a sweet moment with your son:)
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Learning to Use Buttons
Oh yeah, there is nothing like a bit of child inflicted pain to bring out the worst in us. Been there xx
Christie´s last post ..Tomato Sauce Recipe
LOL! Thank god I’m not the only one, then:P
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Learning to Use Buttons
This is great! We’re currently having issues with our 3 year old, I think life has just taken it’s toll with over a month of people staying and helping me with the girls, to a new baby brother to me being put in hospital when he was three weeks old and now the lack of sleep. It’s a real struggle for me to not be cranky and yell. This is very helpful. Thank you.
Becky´s last post ..52 Weeks Week 31- I Wish
Oh Becky, I hear you ((HUG)) That’s a lot of big changes in a short period of time, but we can’t slow life down, sadly, can we? It is a struggle to not get cranky and yell. I’ve decided if my kids have every right to be angry, so do I, lol. But it’s a matter of reacting properly, and really, sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I don’t. But we’re doing our best, you know?
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Healthy Ways Children Can Express Their Anger
Hi There, just found your website, and I have been in tears just reading this page~!
We have 3 children girl aged 6 1/2, boy aged 5 1/2 and girl aged 3.
Our son has just started school and having a hell of a time!!! So are we!! The first 2 weeks were great, then he began to regress and show the teacher how he deals with his frustrations…big tantrums, much like a 2 year old. He doesn’t get violent, except when he is out of control, needs to be held so we can talk to him. Then he throws punches, kicks etc. Because he is so incredibly upset. (Only at home has he shown any violent behaviour!)
The teacher has had enough, has called us to school twice already, but between you and me, I have taught Kindergarten myself and don’t think she is coping too well! It seems like, if O (our son) does something wrong, like hit someone playfully over the head with lunchbox, he is attacked by the teacher, harrassed until he tells her if it was an accident or on purpose, and then put on time out, where he screams the place down from embarrassment, no one listening to him or whatever may send him off.
We need some advice on how to help him at home, but then to also transfer that help to school…maybe even some advice to give the teacher…I think she needs it!
Thank you so much!
Oh Liz, I’m sorry you guys are having a rough time:( and yes, there were tears writing this, too.
It’s hard to give advice without knowing your child personally, but I’d imagine making sure your son has an outlet for his emotions, and I’d start by making sure I talked to him about how school is going, etc. Which I’m sure you’re already doing:)
If I really felt a teacher was being unfair, I’d probably talk to the teacher first, and if that got me no joy, possibly the principal.
When my daughter started big school, she threw a couple of tantrums when a few other parents gave her a lift home from school. It was right after I gave birth to our son. So maybe ask yourself if there’s any other changes that could be feeding this too?
I wish you all the best, and I hope you let us know how you fare
I’m not easily impesrsed. . . but that’s impressing me!
Thanks so much, Kindsey! You’ve just made my day:)
Hear Mum Roar´s last post ..Walk or Scream