Here’s part four of my anger in children series as promised. I’m enjoying talking with all of you about this. Obviously, all our children get angry at some time. It’s frustrating when they take it too far and can mean a lot of hard work for us. I find laying down some boundaries about anger is a great place to start this work.
The boundaries I’m covering here are the ones we use in our family. They are very basic and common sense. Your family might come up with more, or tweak these ideas:
Anger has been taken too far when:
- Anyone is hurt or at risk of getting hurt. This includes people and animals. It includes but isn’t limited to hitting, kicking, scratching, pinching, hair-pulling or throwing things. I also include screaming that hurts our ears.
- Anyone’s belongings are damaged or at risk of being damaged. Our children are taught to look after their belongings and those of others’.
- If someone does/says hurtful or disrespectful things to others. Apart from nasty words, I also include spitting and rude gestures under this rule. If you’re not saying/doing something as part of a solution, chances are you’re being disrespectful.
- If someone makes us angry, it doesn’t give us the right to break any of the above rules in retaliation. This is an important rule, as often kids feel justified in doing this, for example if a child hits them. They feel it’s more than fair that they hit back. I teach them early on that this isn’t the case. I encourage them to tell a grown up and let them deal with the other person.
- Disrupting public peace. If we’re down the street or in a shop, I make it clear that other people do not want or like to hear you screaming or see you hitting things. It’s expected that they show consideration to everyone.
- We try to end our discussions about anger with this mantra: ‘I expect you to be loving, gentle and kind’. We can do this and still get our anger out in a healthy way. It just takes time and practice.
- If our children break any of the above rules, they are expected to make amends. Or, as we put it more simply with kids, make it right. This could be an apology, a hug or kiss, giving the person a drawing or a written note (if they’re old enough), helping to fix a broken toy and so on.
Do you have some ground rules for your childrens’ anger? What are they?
Other reading:
Dealing with anger in children
Finding the source of your child’s anger
Healthy ways children can express their anger
Great post – I have a son with ASD who has frequent oubursts of anger and frustration. We pretty much stick to the boundaries you have listed above but need to also take into account the unpredictability of some of his outbursts (if triggered by sensory overload, etc). We are trying to deal with that while also setting a good example for his younger sisters. It is a fine balance but we are slowly getting there – thanks for re-sharing this post!
Kirsty, yes, there’s always a need to tailor your approach to the individual child, isn’t there?