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Category Archives: By Age

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Happy Birthday to Missy now 3

Written on April 26th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in April 2011, Good times, Handmade, Preschool aged, Projects

Can you believe it?? It feels like we only just celebrated her 2nd birthday, and yet here is our youngest daughter, growing up on us and turning three. I tell you, you can’t afford to blink with this parenting gig, can you?

I feel so guilty. I know she would’ve loved her very own birthday party, just like Missy 10 had last year. We were genuinely going to have one, then, argh! Life happened. I hadn’t gotten around to taking her to playgroup yet, so although we know some other little kids around her age, there wouldn’t be too many kids to invite, as we still settle into this town. Also, time really has gotten away on us. I’ve been weighing up my options with regard to visiting my mother, who as some of you would know, has recently had a stroke. She’s now in rehab, and doing much better than was originally expected. I’ve not been able to visit her yet, but want to as soon as I can.

Then, there’s the issue of my partner’s treatment. Would you believe he will be getting admitted to hospital after all, even after my recent announcement that he wouldn’t be? We’ve been making plans for that time, stepping up his appointments, getting extra workers, and so on. It’s basically been consuming all the time we’ve got, lately.

So yeah, not only do I feel guilt about so many things these days (and obviously, wanting to fix my blog back to its former glory or better), but I’m trying so hard to fight the feelings of guilt about giving Missy 3 a great birthday. I’ve been floundering under the pressure of everything going on lately, to the point where the time immediately after my mother’s stroke is just this blur that I don’t remember very well. I do know, though, that I wasn’t much help to anyone. I wasn’t writing down my partner’s appointments, or helping to ensure he was getting to them. It really felt that my brain had packed up and gone elsewhere. It still feels a little like that, but less so.

So, no party this year, and we managed to bugger up the cake as well! Because her birthday was on Sunday and all the shops were closed from Friday onward, we ended up giving her her birthday cake days earlier, because we had to buy a cake, due to not yet having an oven at this house. I was worried about confusing her, but she and the other two kids were happy, so that’s all that matters, and no amount of self-flagellation will make a difference.

Missy 3 and my mother actually share a birthday, too. I’m normally not able to talk to my mother on the phone, because the rehab doesn’t allow it, but they made an exception for her birthday. This was the first time I’d spoken to her since her stroke, so it was good to be able to catch up. Of course, it re-ignited the guilt about not having visited her and round and round we go… But hey, it was good for both of us, and made the day even better.

I made these two cute toys for Missy 3:

A knitted gingerbread man and snake. I know how much she adores the story, and she loves handmade things. I had been working on this toy for a while, and was pleasantly surprised to see how big and cuddly it ended up! As for the snake, I discovered a knitted rectangle in my sewing drawer the day before her birthday. It was for a door snake for blocking drafts that I started making a long time before I had our last two children. Knowing how crazy my daughter is for snakes (she likes to get pieces of wool and make believe they’re slithering all through the house), I quickly fashioned it into a cheerful snake toy.

Well. She hated the gingerbread man! (Keep in mind, I’d shown her the pattern months before, and she’d said she liked it) So, we talked about being polite when getting birthday presents, then gave it to Missy 10 who’s besotted with it. Missy 10 agreed that if fickle Missy 3 changed her mind later down the track, that she’d give it back (she knew I was planning to make one for her in future, also). Missy 3 has since teetered from loving the toy to loathing it. I think she’s just getting used to it…

She really loves the snake, which I find hilarious, given its simplicity and how little time it took to make it!

All in all, despite an insane amount of mummy guilt this year, it was a great day. I just keep reminding myself of the important things in all of this: the five of us got to spend time together as a family (we were expecting my partner to go to hospital before this, so we felt very lucky) and no matter what’s going on, how buggered up our plans have been this year, and how scrambled mummy’s brains are these days, is that she knows she’s loved. Everyday Missy 3 tells me, ‘I love you Mummy, I make you happy. You love me, and you make me happy’. In all of this craziness, I just have to hang onto the stuff that matters the most with both hands and know that that’s what will get us all through this. And you know what? Despite everything that (in my mind) went ‘wrong’, we all had a truly lovely day.

Now, please make me feel better by regaling me with your stories of birthday guilt!

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Learning to Use Buttons

Written on February 12th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Cognitive, Emotional, February 2011, Fine motor, Preschool aged, Social

Mr 4′s been practicing opening and closing the buttons on his shirt, lately. This is an exciting time for me, as it shows a willingness to learn some self-help skills. Every new skill brings him and I more autonomy. It’s also an exciting stage for Mr 4, as he gains self confidence at being able to do things for himself.

Lately, he’s been regressing in his behaviour due to stresses and changes in his family. A major way this manifested itself was his unwillingness to dress himself anymore. Yes, he’s perfectly capable. I’m hoping that learning this new skill signals a move away from his regression.

Learning to fasten and unfasten buttons involves a lot of problem-solving skills. First, the child tries to roughly pull the two front halves of the shirt open, almost ripping buttons and fabric away. When I see this happening, I explain to my kids that this damages their clothes. Then, I offer to show them how to do it without ripping anything. At first, my kids usually refuse, and keep ripping at it, then give up and ask me to do it for them. Over time, curiosity gets the better of them and they become more willing to be shown how.

After this, it takes a lot of practice, but they get there! Oh my god, the pride that spreads across their faces when this happens is priceless. Performing this task does wonders for their eye-hand coordination and it strengthens the muscles in their hands. I find it’s a great lead-up to learning to tie their shoelaces later on, a more complex task.

This is Mr 4′s last year before he starts school, and I’ve worked hard on preparing him for it. His mastery of this skill is another stepping stone on the path to school readiness.

If kids are interested, or are finding learning this skill too difficult, they can always practise on doll’s clothes or dress up clothes. Often, it’s easier to learn how to use buttons if you’re not wearing the clothing, and looking down at what you’re doing. Dress-up clothes are often over sized items from parents, which give more generous movement.

What self-help skills are your children learning at the moment?

Other reading:

Helping kids to make choices

Learn by doing – laundry

Emotional development – initiative

Kids growing mushrooms

Mr Three makes pea and ham soup

Slow down

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Pushing Kids to do Their Best

Written on February 6th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Cognitive, Emotional, February 2011, Preschool aged, School aged

This is a sensitive subject for me. I have mentioned before, but don’t like to go on and on about it, but Missy 10 is very bright. When she was four years old, she learned how to read fluently. I read a baby board book to her, showing her how I was sounding the letters out in the words, then left the room. When I came back, she was reading everything. Of course, in order to be able to do this, she already had been taught letter sounds. Basically, any time, right from when she was a baby, if she ever pointed to a letter and asked what it was, we’d tell her the name of the letter and the sound it makes. Then we’d move on and forget all about it.

I, of course, being a proud mum, bragged to my parents about it, who were equally proud. I kept tight-lipped about it with others, because to be reading to the extent she was, I knew it looked bad. I’m sure it looked like I’d been coaching a poor little four year old into being a competitive academic. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s a shame, because I had every right to be proud of her! But I knew it made other parents feel not so great, and so I didn’t make a fuss.

I also learned to read at around this age too, so I think genetics plays a big part in her abilities. The only difference with me, was that once I got to school, I wasn’t comprehending as well as I was reading. By the time I had my daughter, I was aware that early reading ran this risk, so I made sure to nurture her comprehension as she read new things, so as not to hinder her progress as she got older. Thankfully, her comprehension was never a problem. In kindergarten, when teachers asked her to tell them what happened in a book, she’d say, ‘I don’t know!’, thinking they wanted her to quote the book verbatim. Once I explained to her that they just wanted an idea of what happened in the story in her own words, she was fine.

Of course, being so proud of her new skill, my then four year old did nothing to hide her pride, and rightly so! She would read whatever she saw out loud (including graffiti! *blush*), and soon I had parents criticising me, accusing me of not allowing her to have a childhood. Honestly, it’s not as if she did nothing else but read all day! I was accused of pushing her too hard, being too competitive, of valuing academic achievements over everything else. It still makes me quite angry, because not one of these people doing the judging had ever been into our home, nor witnessed our family life.

The day she turned five was quite funny. I was pregnant, but wanting to test again. I raced into the chemist before our family went out for a special birthday outing. I took my daughter in with me. As I browsed the pregnancy tests, my daughter read the labels of every single condom packet out loud! There was not a dry eye in the shop, as she factually stated: ‘ribbed for her pleasure, ultra sensitive, regular, fruit flavoured…’ and so on. So that was something…

It’s fair to say that I’m quite paranoid and conscious as a result, of not pushing my kids too hard. But there is this nagging part of me that wants my children to know that they can do anything if they work hard enough for it. I want them to know when it’s ok to push themselves. That they should put their best effort into whatever they attempt, no matter what the result, or their own natural ability or lack of ability.

Basically, I want my children to intrinsically want to strive to be their best, for themselves. To learn self discipline, satisfaction, and the value of hard work. I never want to be cruel. And believe me, after that experience with my then four year old, I know what it is to be accused of being a cruel, pushy parent.

Some of you might remember Missy now 10′s success in the spelling bee last year. The highlight for her was being chosen out of the school with one other child, to go on a trip to another school, and be challenged in something she loves doing. Her biggest hope at the moment is that she be asked to do the same again this year.

Seeing how important it is to her, and seeing an opportunity to teach her about goal-setting and self-discipline, I talked to her about things she could do to help her chances. I talked to her about her natural ability in spelling; the fact that she is quite ahead of her peers in this area, with very little effort. I explained that this was an advantage she had, but that other participants in the spelling bee clearly had it too. So we agreed that natural ability is great, but can only get you so far. To rely solely on it leads to cockiness.

I talked to her about how wonderful her spelling is now, but things she could do to become even better. When she came third last year, the word that she got stuck on, which got her ‘out’, was the word, ‘timbre’. As soon as I heard the announcer call it, I knew she wouldn’t get it. It’s simply not a part of her vocabulary, and not something she’d be able to guess easily. So, I encouraged my daughter to do more wide reading. She reads a great deal anyway, but I reminded her that she could borrow as many books at the library as she could read.

Sometimes, Missy 10 just reads the same books at home over and over again. In reading a wider variety, she expands her vocabulary. I find with her, all she needs is to see the written word, and she’s pretty good at remembering the spelling after that. There are two computer/internet games she loves: Mathletics and another Aussie spelling one. (I wish I could remember the name of it, but my daughter’s asleep as I write this. I’ll ask her the name of it, and share it tomorrow.) Both have spelling competitions where she can compete with other kids across the country. She absolutely loves playing these games! So this was my other suggestion: keep practicing on there, too.

I told her that I was proud of her spelling abilities as they are now, already. I am more than happy for her to just keep trying her best at school, and not try to cruise through just because it’s easy for her. But I also told her that if she wanted something desperately enough in life, that she could push herself, work extra hard, and have more chance of making her goals come to light.

So, do I think it’s cruel to push children too hard? Absolutely. But I have no qualms whatsoever with encouraging my children to push themselves hard for things they want in life. I think it’s an important skill to have. My daughter knows that no matter how hard she works, we’ll always insist that she have playtime/downtime. She knows that we will not allow her to beat herself up mentally if she doesn’t achieve perfection. The good news is though, that as time goes on, I think she’s seeing that perfection is an impossible thing to strive for. Over the years, she has put this pressure on herself: she knows she’s smart, so has had trouble understanding why she doesn’t always get what she believes would be a ‘perfect’ result in life.

I’m hell-bent on teaching her that as long as you’ve done your best, that’s all you can do. You may not get the mark you craved, but you can hold your head up with pride that you worked hard and gave an honest effort. Where do you draw the line when it comes to pushing your kids?

Other reading:

Regressive behavior in children

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children to talk about feelings

Learn by doing – laundry

Ten activities that enhance under fives’ language skills

Emotional development – initiative

Reflective listening

Students’ homework: how much should we help?

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Quiet Time With Caterpillars

Written on February 5th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Cognitive, Experiences, February 2011, Language, Preschool aged, School aged, Toddler

Ok, I know it’s really hard to see the caterpillars in this jar. But I promise you, there’s loads of the buggers in there. I should know. I was sitting outside, trying to enjoy a quiet cup of dandelion tea away from the chaos inside, when they were climbing all over my legs.

I went back inside, to face the noise and arguments of my two younger children. It was afternoon, they’d played everything, done everything, and were at a loose end. I racked my brains as to what I could get them to do that would get them engrossed, happy and above all, quiet. Preferably for a long time. And aside from waiting until we get our own chooks to eat up all the caterpillars, how the hell was I going to get rid of them? Normally they don’t bother me, but there were so many of them and they were becoming a nuisance.

Sometimes, two problems come together to form a solution when you’re a mum, don’t they? I scooped as many caterpillars into a jar with some grass as I could. I plonked it on the table inside and told the kids to look at it. Was there ever a simpler way to keep kids quiet for a cranky mum than this?

They looked at it for ages. They were so excited! They talked about the colour of the caterpillars, about what they like to eat, how they turn into butterflies. Missy 10 is handy to have around at times like this, as she stores so much animal trivia in her head! She told them that some butterflies like to eat their cocoon, that some caterpillars shoot out poison and it can sting and make you itchy (spitfires).

Once they lost interest, I emptied the jar back into the yard, but thankfully, further away from our house where they were bothering me. They haven’t been back. It’s amazing how things just sort themselves out somedays, isn’t it?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Sibling rivalry solutions

Motherhood: cinch or sentence?

How do I stop tantrums?

Learning through everyday play

Teaching kindness to animals

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

Evening adventure

Keepin’ it real

Slow down

Finding the time to do it all – time saving tips

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Cute Sandwich Cutter

Written on February 5th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Baby, February 2011, Food, In the home, Preschool aged, School aged, Toddler

I got this cute little gadget when I had a bento splurge recently at J List.

I get so bloody sick of making the same old boring sandwiches everyday. Sure, Missy 10 helps out when she can, but it’s nice to break up the monotony for the kids and I. All you do is press the cutter into a sandwich, and it cuts four bite-sized sandwiches with crusts removed. (The crust that was cut off was so thin, I was hardly wasting any at all)

I love that it’s probably easier than dragging a knife through the bread and ripping it. I love knowing that the kids are more likely to sit down for longer and actually eat what I’ve made them. Most of all, I love the smile it brings to their faces. Plus, it’s so much more fun to open your lunch box to something so cute.

PS – this isn’t a sponsored post, just something I bought myself and loved the idea of.

Other reading:

The origins of food

Kids growing mushrooms

Picking our mushrooms

Buying in bulk

Our fruit garden is planted

Mr Three makes pea and ham soup

Quick rice pudding for cheats

A BPA free home the tight-arse way

Homemade LCM’s

Our experience with baby led solids

How to prevent childhood obesity

School supplies on a budget

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Coloured Window Art

Written on February 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Art, Cognitive, Craft, Experiences, February 2011, Fine motor, Preschool aged, Toddler

I love doing coloured window art with young kids. It’s easy, yet something out of the ordinary for them. I find it holds their interest for ages. As you can see, all I’ve done is cut up some collage-type materials for the children; today it was fabric scraps. Other times, I’ve given the children flattened cup cake cases, confetti from the hole punch, chopped wool scraps, chopped streamers, basically whatever I’ve had lying around. It’s also important to make sure nothing would be a choking hazard for your kids. I’m lucky in that my kids are past the stage of putting craft/art items in their mouths, but if you know yours will (it’s the under 3′s we need to be careful with, generally), simply use bigger, safer pieces and supervise.

Then, I provide the kids with a sheet of clear contact with the adhesive side facing upward. I turn each corner underneath to stick it to the table. Now all the kids need to is to stick their collage pieces on to their hearts’ content. Once they finished each masterpiece, I stuck it to the window for them.

…Until the kids decided to do it for themselves.

I love that this is an open-ended activity that doesn’t add any pressure to look like anything in particular. However, if you keep the backing sheet from the contact you’ve cut for your child, you can stick the finished piece back onto the backing paper. This lets a child take their art work home, or give it to their grandparents as a very special gift. Once it’s in its new home, it can still be proudly displayed on a window.

This is a great time of year to be doing this activity too, because I find after doing back to school shopping, I have loads of contact to spare.

Other reading:

The useful box

Kids’ craft: lacing

Ten ‘clean’ craft ideas your kids will love

Kids craft ideas for non-crafty mums

Art for children who hate mess

Our art gallery

Canvas painting for kids

Playdough, homemade

Flower play

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What I did on the first day back to school

Written on February 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, February 2011, In the home, Organisation, School aged

There’s something about starting a new school year that makes me want to try to make life easier each year. A few days leading up to the new school term, I began trying a new system to manage my time and get a little more done.

After years of going off and on Flylady with varying levels of success, I’ve started dedicating only two hours per day to cleaning the house. Flylady bangs on about doing fifteen minutes a day for all these different jobs, and I was always frustrated to find that before I knew it, I’d be cleaning all day if I followed her system. Really, that’s not how I want to live my life. Two hours per day is still more time than I usually spend anyway, so it seems to be accomplishing more.

What I do, is I pick out the most disastrous looking areas of the house first, and start with those. As time goes on, the house looks a little bit better everyday, and I’m finding it easier to keep on top of things. Here’s yesterday’s disaster I found after Missy 10 trotted off to school:

Yep, it’s our very own dumping ground, *blush*. That’s where the bills and school notes were getting plonked, then lost. When we needed a bill or note, we had buckley’s of finding it on time. Not to mention how difficult it was to open the microwave, clean it or let the vents on the sides breathe. I thought this was a perfect place to start, as I knew my daughter would be bringing notes home, and I wanted to start out the year having a proper place for them.

Here, I’ve decluttered the area, and created a yellow folder. In the folder, Missy 10 has been instructed that this is where all of her school notes will be placed as soon as she gets home from school. Once they’re out of date, we’ll remove them. We already have an expanding folder for our bills, so it was a matter of just putting them in the right place. All the other clutter simply needed to be put back in its place or thrown out. You can just imagine how much time we wasted with all this junk piling up when we were looking for something, or trying to use the microwave.

Now, obviously, this wasn’t the only job I got done in an hour, but I thought this was a great example of a starting point to better organisation in the new school year.

I’ll be sticking with this system, because I’m amazed at what I can get done in two hours. Once the two hours are finished, I stop for the day. I either let the two younger kids help me as I go, or give them a play activity, or they play together with their own made-up game. The first day I tried doing just two hours a day of cleaning, I got the lounge room floor vacuumed, the kitchen floor swept and mopped, four loads of laundry washed and in varying stages of drying, lots of forgotten laundry put away and a heap of decluttering. By focusing on the jobs in most desperate need of being done, it means that everyone in the house is much calmer. Things are being dealt with that need to be, and our living space is feeling more pleasant again.

And now I want the dirt from you guys: where is YOUR disaster area, that you dump all your crap on? Spill!

Other reading:

Pushing kids to do their best

How to get rid of flies

How to clean carpet naturally

Students’ homework: how much should we help?

Decluttering and recycling at the same time

Home made air freshener

How to unblock your sink without using poisons

Finding the time to do it all – time saving tips

School supplies on a budget

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Childhood regression

Written on January 30th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, Preschool aged, School aged, Social, Toddler

Has your potty-trained child ever started to suddenly struggle with their toileting? Have you ever had a four year old start throwing tantrums all over again, right when you thought you were past all that? Has your preschooler ever suddenly become clingy to you, almost wanting to be ‘babied’ by you? You’re not alone, and it’s perfectly normal.

When a child regresses in their behaviour or in their development, it can really freak us parents out! We just get comfortable after our child becomes more competent at new skills, they become more independent and we look forward to just a little bit of smooth sailing for a little while. Then this happens! We sometimes worry where we’ve gone wrong, did we miss something?

Mr 4 has been regressing in a lot of areas lately at home. He’s gone ‘backwards’ in his potty training, is becoming more clingy towards me, has started having the occasional (but explosive!) tantrum here and there and generally seeks out situations where he can be ‘babied’ by me. He also tries to create situations to get more attention from me after he’s gone to bed than usual.

Usually when our children start acting out of character in different ways all at once, it’s enough to trigger most parents into realising that something’s awry. We have an instinct for a reason, and when our child shows regressive behaviour, it’s time to listen to that instinct.

What can cause regression in a child?

This list is not exhaustive, but there are many situations that can cause a child to regress:

- Death of a family member, friend or pet

- Divorce or separation

- Moving to a new home

- A sick parent/guardian or sibling

- When a parent/guardian starts a new job

- Starting a new childcare centre/preschool/school

- Being bullied at school

- Pregnancy/the birth of a new sibling

- Unrest in the household (for example, parents arguing frequently, domestic violence, etc)

- Sometimes, as a child gains a lot of independence, it can lead to feelings of insecurity of not being the baby anymore.

….and the list goes on.

As a parent, in most cases, you’d be aware of your child’s situation, except for bullying (but we can probe for that!). When you scan this list, I’m sure you’ll have noticed that there is a common thread in most of these causes: change. To begin to understand your child’s regression, looking for major changes in your child’s life is a great place to start.

With Mr 4, we pinpointed his regression as being related to his father’s recent stint in hospital again, along with the knowledge that my partner will be going back to hospital again soon. Another significant aspect of our home life for us to consider was the fact that everyday, my son watches me care for my partner, helping him with his medicine and tasks he finds difficult. Also, because my partner has severe OCD, our sons sees his dad have meltdowns, and me talking him down from it.

Mr 4 has a two year old sister who’s begun potty training, and despite her constant fights for independence, needs more help from me generally than he does. Honestly, is it any wonder he’s reacting this way? Having talked to him about this, he feels that help or care, is equivalent to love. In his eyes, the person getting the most help, is getting the most love. Simply put, he wants a piece of the pie!

During our talk, I let him know that he can have love from me anytime he wants. He doesn’t have to have a ‘need’ for me to do something for him. Anytime he wants to, he can ask me for a kiss, or a cuddle. I can put aside time during the day to play with him, or he can hang out with me while I’m doing other things. When he’s my helper, that’s special time together too.

Most importantly, I made it clear to him that Missy 2 isn’t always going to be so needy. She’s potty training, and soon will be able to go to the toilet by herself, without any help from me. He realises now that she’s doing more and more things for herself everyday, so that makes him feel a little better. I drew his attention to the fact that as I help his dad, I’m working on helping him to be able to more things for himself, too, and that he’s slowly getting better.

I’m finding in the past week or two, he’s still quite fragile about things, but instead of reverting to regressive behaviour, is taking advantage of those other ways we talked about for him and I to spend time together. We spent one afternoon with him making a ‘parcel’ from the postie, over and over again. He simply got a box, filled it with different toys, and delivered it to me with a grin: ‘I’ve got a parcel for you!’ Then I would admire all the wonderful ‘surprises’ he’d given me. He chats with me, does chores with me, watches me do things, and asks me for lots and lots of cuddles!

Does this mean I wasn’t available or providing opportunities for this to happen before this happened? Of course not! It’s just that he hadn’t made the distinction that I was there for him as well, it’s just that he didn’t need the same sort of help that his sister and dad needed. That the love and time I give him usually, counts in just the same way.

The other thing that I’m doing to deal with this, is I’m giving him lots of opportunities to talk about his fears, worries and feelings in general. Basically, I find that when my children have regressed, after I find out the cause, I talk with them about it as well as try to replace this new behaviour with something a little healthier. I’ve not had the need yet for my children to ever have counselling over any big changes in their lives, but if I felt it was needed, I’d provide it in a heartbeat.

I’d love to hear everyone else’s tips on how they deal with their children’s regressive times in life.

Other reading:
Finding the source of your child’s anger

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children talk about feelings

Reflective listening

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Letting your child witness birth: is it immoral?

Written on January 28th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Baby, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, School aged, Social

I follow many facebook ‘like’ pages, and one conversation that appeared in my feed inspired me to write today. It was at Designer Mama’s page. The question was raised about whether or not it was appropriate for children to witness the birth of their siblings. As a mother who has allowed this, obviously I have strong opinions about this.

This photo was taken minutes after I cleaned up after giving birth to my son. As you can see, my eldest daughter was right there with us, looking happy and unscathed.

There was quite a bit of negative discussion on this facebook page about this topic (including questioning the morals of mums who do this), so I felt moved to share our story. I also knew that sharing on the facebook page would not give me enough space to express my feelings fully.

When I fell pregnant with my second child, my eldest daughter was five years old. She already had three step siblings who don’t live with us, and was so excited that I was having a baby. This would be a new brother or sister for her that would be raised with her! More importantly to her, she was going to finally be a big sister.

In the first five months of my pregnancy, my daughter was being homeschooled at the time. She was attending all of my appointments at the birthing centre with me. It’s important to point out here, that by this time, she had asked me how the baby would come out, and had been told all about vaginal birth. We told her that’s how she was born, and probably this next child would be born that way, too. We also had already told her about c section births as well, that some mothers need that option when vaginal birth doesn’t work out for them.

One day, my daughter said to me, ‘am I going to be left at home alone when you go to the hospital to have the baby?’ We told her, of course not! We would make sure someone would look after her. She then asked me if she could come to the hospital to watch the baby’s birth. My partner and I told her we needed to talk about that idea first, then we’d get back to her.

Now, this wasn’t a first for my partner. He had been married before, and his then wife had an emergency home birth (in other words, not by choice) and their eldest child witnessed the whole thing (he was four years old at the time), also not by choice. Everything happened so quickly, there was no time to find something else for him to do.

My partner’s eldest son from his first marriage handled the situation quite well, and as children, he and his sister had a very good bond with one another. So, we knew it could work, and saw the positives. My partner and I were still worried, though. Just because one child handles a situation well, doesn’t mean all children will. We wanted, like all parents, to protect our child from any unnecessary trauma.

We laid down some ground rules. We told our daughter that she could come to the birth, but only if she was prepared to do certain things first.

1) If she watched some birthing dvds beforehand and still felt fine about coming, she could come. If she wasn’t prepared to watch the dvds, then we believed that she wasn’t ready for witnessing our birth, either. We didn’t force her to watch the dvds, but not watching them would mean she’d need to stay at home with a sitter. We felt this was more than fair, and so did our daughter. We wanted her to have some insight into what she could expect to happen. We told her if she changed her mind at any time and didn’t want to go, that was fine.

2) We gave her lots of books to read about giving birth. These were picture books, and were very informative for her.

3) If she was scared during the birth at any time, she could leave the room.

4) We would have a babysitter attend the birth to look after her.

The midwives at the birthing centre were very supportive of our choice to let our daughter attend the birth. They loaned me dozens of birthing dvds (we chose dvds that mostly featured water birth, as that was my plan for this birth) and books for my daughter to read. We discussed all material that our daughter read or watched at great length. We continually asked her if she wanted to change her mind, and made it clear it was ok to do that. She was adamant. She did not want to miss this birth for the world! I think it’s important to mention here that my eldest daughter is obsessed with science and has always been this way. She is naturally very inquisitive, to the point where she will gladly witness something quite revolting in the name of science!

Given that my first birth had been a 12 hour birth (but had a lot of intervention), my partner and I gave plenty of thought to how our five year old daughter would spend her time during the birth. I was shown the birthing centre room, there was a lounge suite with a tv and dvd player, a double bed and a bathroom. We let her pack a bag of things she’d like to do, and told her she could also watch tv, sleep or go play outside with an adult if she got bored or tired. The birthing centre also had a kitchenette, and my daughter and partner enjoyed some raisin toast in the first hour of my birth.

At one appointment, my daughter and I were walking past the hospital kiosk, when she noticed the ‘it’s a boy!’ and ‘it’s a girl!’ balloons for sale. She thought these were the most wonderful idea! We promised her that when the baby was born, it’d be her job to go to the kiosk with dad to choose one for the baby, and Dad would buy it. Now she she was really psyched.

I won’t recount the entire birth here, as I’ve already shared my birthing stories as much as I intend to. But I will share here what’s relevant to the topic. On the day my waters broke, it was quite early in the morning. The sun was just coming up. We woke our daughter, and hot-footed it to the hospital. That’s why my daughter looks quite bedraggled in the photo above, because she’d just gotten out of bed a few hours ago, and thrown on the first clothes she found!

We ended up abandoning our idea of bringing in a babysitter, as we felt we didn’t have enough time to make arrangements and get me to hospital. As it turned out, the whole thing was over pretty quickly.

Plan B without a babysitter was that my partner would take care of her during the birth. This worked very well for us, because this was a nice, easy birth. It was a short birth, so our worries about our daughter getting bored went out the window. She stayed to watch the whole thing. The biggest problem she had, was that because I was water birthing, she wanted to get closer to the action to see what was going on! But never mind…

After my son was born, he floated under water for a little while, then the midwife asked me to pick him up out of the water. As I carefully did this, I heard my girl shrieking, ‘oh, he’s so cute!’ For all the pain I’d just gone through, my five year old daughter helped to reinforce that this whole birth was a joyful time. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited, holding my new baby boy in my arms, but I love the fact that my daughter’s presence just made the whole experience so much more blissful.

Her and my partner ended up like two silly, excited little kids together! It was so funny. They went to buy the balloon as I cleaned up, and I think my daughter loved that ‘it’s a boy!’ balloon more than our son.

We made sure to give our daughter plenty of chances to talk about the birth afterward, and mostly her memories from it are how cute her brother looked, and the funny sound he made soon after. Another mum friend from my daughter’s school told me that her daughter found out from my girl, that babies come out of the mother’s vagina. She said she was a bit miffed, but then she joked that, ‘oh well, you’ve saved me the awkwardness of having to tell her!’

I have found that with such a wide age gap, my daughter who is now ten, and my son who is now four, have an extremely tight bond. I’m so relieved, because when my daughter found out I was having a boy (via ultrasound), she was sorely disappointed. Those first few weeks were obviously hard for my daughter to adjust to not being the only child in this house anymore. However, I feel that having witnessed the birth, she was more compassionate towards me. I tried to give her as much attention as I could (which is always a challenge with a newborn), but she was very understanding of how tired and sore I was because she was there to see why.

I like knowing that when she gets to the age that her peers are having sex, she will have the awareness that sex is not a decision to take lightly. Pregnancy is not something to take lightly. And although I’ve let her witness that birth is a painful thing, I’m so glad that her first exposure to child birth was a positive, relaxed one.

Once I fell pregnant with our third child, of course we asked her again if she’d like to be at the birth. Early on, she wanted to. We had decided that our son, who would be two months shy of two years old, shouldn’t be at the birth. We toyed with the idea of having him there with a babysitter, but it just didn’t feel right. We organised a babysitter for our son at home during the birth, and once our eldest daughter found out about it, she didn’t want to miss out on whatever fun our son was having, so she decided to stay home too.

The birth of our last child was much tougher than our son’s. I’m so glad my children weren’t there for it. I went to the hospital in the morning and stayed there the whole day with nothing happening. By the afternoon, I was induced, but nothing really happened until the evening. The birth itself took six hours. I had complications; labour wasn’t progressing for a while, my daughter had her umbilical cord strangling her, and for a short while, it looked like I was going to need an emergency c section. Thankfully, I didn’t.

I think my children would not have handled the lengthy process of this. I don’t think they would’ve handled the fact that we had to move from the birthing centre to the delivery suite. The facilities in the delivery suite were dreadful for children, and I was having severe anxiety about being there myself, due to a bad experience last time I gave birth there (with my first child).

Do I believe all children should witness childbirth? No. I don’t believe children should ever be forced to be present at a birth against their wishes. I believe sometimes it happens by accident, and I’d imagine parents would have to deal with any repercussions afterward. Do I believe that parents who choose to allow their children at a birth are immoral? Of course not!

The only advice I’d give to anyone thinking of this (who actually wants advice, of course!), is to think about your potential for complications. Think about your child’s personality. If you’re planning this, prepare them, arm them with knowledge. Make sure you talk to them after the birth. Also, as a mother, ask yourself how it will affect you. If you think it’d be too distracting, that’s important to consider. My daughter at one stage when I was on all fours in agony, asked me for more raisin toast! I said, ‘ah, I’m kind of busy right now, babe…’ thankfully, my partner stepped in and got it for her! Because it was an easier birth, these distractions were, well, distracting, but not a problem for me at all. If any of my kids had distracted me during my last birth, they may have gotten their heads bitten off.

I asked my daughter today, now that she’s ten, how she feels about having been at the birth of her brother. She said, ‘man, that was a long time ago.’ I asked her if it was scary, gross, etc. She said, ‘it was a bit gross’. I asked her if she wishes she hadn’t gone to it, or if she’s glad. She told me she’s glad she went. I asked her how she feels about giving birth one day herself. She shrugged and said, ‘I really don’t know. I don’t think about it.’

Of course, now I’d like to hear from others. Have you ever allowed your child to be present at any of your births? Would you? How do you feel about it?

Other reading:

Regressive behaviour in children

Helping kids to make choices

Sibling rivalry solutions

Birth stories:

Remembering the birth of my son

She’s all grown up..

My eldest daughter is 10!

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Helping Kids to Make Choices

Written on January 21st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Cognitive, Emotional, Experiences, January 2011, Language, Preschool aged, School aged, Social

My two year old daughter and four year old son stress me out all day long. It’s true. They’re both at the age where they are fighting for autonomy and trying to be ‘big’ and helpful. This is fine and dandy, but it can get to the stage where every little thing becomes a power struggle. All developmentally normal behaviour, but terribly draining. What kids this age are really fighting for, is just a chance be heard. To have a say, make a choice.

When was the last time someone demanded you do something, without giving you a choice? Ok, yeah yeah. If you’ve got under fives, it’s everyday, I know! Let’s be more specific. When was the last time an adult demanded something of you? How did you like it? Our kids are no different! And even though Missy 10 is obviously more emotionally mature than her siblings, it’s still important to her, too. As she journeys further through puberty, this need will become more prevalent than ever before.

What if I told you that giving your kids more choices would save you time? Result in happier, more co-operative children? Children more keen to listen to reason? When a child encounters an adult who allows them choices, they are more respectful towards that adult, and receptive to them.

But my three year old can’t handle choices, you say! Everyday, she stares into her wardrobe, pulls all the clothes out and can’t decide what she wants. The idea is to start with choices they can handle, and over time, they’ll be capable of more and more.

The green or the blue?

I don’t give my two children under five a choice out of twenty things. For example, if I’m getting them dressed, I offer two suitable outfits per child, and ask them, ‘which one would you like to wear today?’ This is a simple choice for them to make, it’s not overwhelming, and they can walk away from the experience feeling empowered and important.

Take turns at choosing

It can be challenging when you have two little ones who both want to make a choice about what they’re doing together and disagree. This is just priceless. Two kids throwing a tantrum, because they both just want what they want. Yay. If we’re having tv time, we try to make sure everyone gets a turn to choose. So, Mr 4 will yell out, ‘I want to watch Thomas!’ But the answer will be, ‘no, you chose the dvd last time, now it’s Missy 2′s turn to choose’. Yes, there is some sulking, but because the kids are used to being given turns, they accept it and know their turn will come. It’s important for kids to learn that there are others in the family too, and everyone matters. This teaches them respect for others.

It also makes it easier for them to accept if mum or dad wants to watch their own show. Yes, mums and dads matter too! Some families let their members take turns at who chooses what is for dinner each night. I want to do this, but I’m just not that organised right now! If you can do it though, go for it. It cuts out a lot of complaining about food dislikes. It guarantees that every night, at least someone will like the meal.

Let them choose parts of the daily routine

Kids under five often really get their knickers in a knot when they want to do something themselves. Missy 2 is potty training at the moment. She loves it. However, she was screaming every time she had an accident. Of course, I told her it was ok, but she kept screaming. I couldn’t make out what she was saying. We eventually deciphered that she wanted to be the one to put her undies in the laundry to be washed! This reiterates what I was talking about with tantrums caused by lack of language.

So now, Missy 2, feeling empowered by this new sense of autonomy, insists on always putting her undies in the laundry and walking with me to get a clean pair. As we walk back, she’ll say, ‘come on, Mummy!’ It’s very cute, but she really feels she’s the boss of that moment. I don’t give my kids full reign over all of our routines, but if their days are punctuated by moments like this, it makes their days more joyful. I think it’s nice when everyone in the family gets some say in the daily routine of the household.

All of our kids have created their own bed time rituals too. We still have some shockers of nights. Tonight was a good example of one of those, but I think that had more to do with the fact that all three knew I was planning to write this post! We let the kids choose what they’d like to take to bed, what song they’d like us to sing, etc. They all have different needs.

Missy 2′s are simple. I want to go to bed. She likes picking a flower to take to bed, but at the moment the flower bushes are too bare! But she likes to go to bed, where her pretty flower sheets and butterfly curtains are, that her mum made. She usually picks out a few toys to snuggle with.

Mr 4 needs comforting, as he’s at the age of nightmares, and an overactive imagination. So, as a result, his routine has evolved into a quiet cuddle and a chat about anything that’s worrying him. He’s also been a bit more clingy, because his dad’s been in and out of hospital over the years and will be going back again soon.

Missy 10 likes to read before bed. We mostly let her, unless it’s getting too late. She likes to fill up her water bottle to take to her room, clear her toys off her bed, and she has her bed toys and blankets set up a certain way. She always asks if the puppies can come in to ‘say goodnight’, and if they’re agreeable, we allow it. Sometimes they end up falling asleep snuggling her!

More rope as they get older

As Missy 10 embarks on adolescence, she approaches a time where kids have a biological need to break away from their parents. It’s at this stage, they are subconsciously preparing for adulthood, the big, bad world. As terrifying as this is for us parents, it’s important to not suddenly revoke all choices from them in fear! Can you imagine the rebellion?

I’m finding that our daughter is happy to respect our wishes (rules), if we give her choices within that. So, she can choose the movie we go to see, sometimes, but it has to be something we feel is appropriate. We also try to help her understand the reasoning behind it. Usually, it’s along the lines of, ‘that one’s a bit too adult sweety, but in a couple of years, you’ll love it!’, ‘this one is pretty scary’, or ‘that one’s a bit too rude for kids your age’. We all agree that these are good reasons, so it works out. Because she’s been told she’s getting closer to being able to watch more mature things soon, it’s given her something to look forward to.

It’ll be interesting to see how this all pans out once she’s a teen, huh?

What choices have your kids been making lately?

Other reading:

Emotional development – initiative

How do I stop tantrums?

Sibling rivalry solutions

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – will you let your child see the movie?