This is a sensitive subject for me. I have mentioned before, but don’t like to go on and on about it, but Missy 10 is very bright. When she was four years old, she learned how to read fluently. I read a baby board book to her, showing her how I was sounding the letters out in the words, then left the room. When I came back, she was reading everything. Of course, in order to be able to do this, she already had been taught letter sounds. Basically, any time, right from when she was a baby, if she ever pointed to a letter and asked what it was, we’d tell her the name of the letter and the sound it makes. Then we’d move on and forget all about it.

I, of course, being a proud mum, bragged to my parents about it, who were equally proud. I kept tight-lipped about it with others, because to be reading to the extent she was, I knew it looked bad. I’m sure it looked like I’d been coaching a poor little four year old into being a competitive academic. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s a shame, because I had every right to be proud of her! But I knew it made other parents feel not so great, and so I didn’t make a fuss.

I also learned to read at around this age too, so I think genetics plays a big part in her abilities. The only difference with me, was that once I got to school, I wasn’t comprehending as well as I was reading. By the time I had my daughter, I was aware that early reading ran this risk, so I made sure to nurture her comprehension as she read new things, so as not to hinder her progress as she got older. Thankfully, her comprehension was never a problem. In kindergarten, when teachers asked her to tell them what happened in a book, she’d say, ‘I don’t know!’, thinking they wanted her to quote the book verbatim. Once I explained to her that they just wanted an idea of what happened in the story in her own words, she was fine.

Of course, being so proud of her new skill, my then four year old did nothing to hide her pride, and rightly so! She would read whatever she saw out loud (including graffiti! *blush*), and soon I had parents criticising me, accusing me of not allowing her to have a childhood. Honestly, it’s not as if she did nothing else but read all day! I was accused of pushing her too hard, being too competitive, of valuing academic achievements over everything else. It still makes me quite angry, because not one of these people doing the judging had ever been into our home, nor witnessed our family life.

The day she turned five was quite funny. I was pregnant, but wanting to test again. I raced into the chemist before our family went out for a special birthday outing. I took my daughter in with me. As I browsed the pregnancy tests, my daughter read the labels of every single condom packet out loud! There was not a dry eye in the shop, as she factually stated: ‘ribbed for her pleasure, ultra sensitive, regular, fruit flavoured…’ and so on. So that was something…

It’s fair to say that I’m quite paranoid and conscious as a result, of not pushing my kids too hard.  But there is this nagging part of me that wants my children to know that they can do anything if they work hard enough for it. I want them to know when it’s ok to push themselves. That they should put their best effort into whatever they attempt, no matter what the result, or their own natural ability or lack of ability.

Basically, I want my children to intrinsically want to strive to be their best, for themselves. To learn self discipline, satisfaction, and the value of hard work. I never want to be cruel. And believe me, after that experience with my then four year old, I know what it is to be accused of being a cruel, pushy parent.

Some of you might remember Missy now 10′s success in the spelling bee last year. The highlight for her was being chosen out of the school with one other child, to go on a trip to another school, and be challenged in something she loves doing. Her biggest hope at the moment is that she be asked to do the same again this year.

Seeing how important it is to her, and seeing an opportunity to teach her about goal-setting and self-discipline, I talked to her about things she could do to help her chances. I talked to her about her natural ability in spelling; the fact that she is quite ahead of her peers in this area, with very little effort. I explained that this was an advantage she had, but that other participants in the spelling bee clearly had it too. So we agreed that natural ability is great, but can only get you so far. To rely solely on it leads to cockiness.

I talked to her about how wonderful her spelling is now, but things she could do to become even better. When she came third last year, the word that she got stuck on, which got her ‘out’, was the word, ‘timbre’. As soon as I heard the announcer call it, I knew she wouldn’t get it. It’s simply not a part of her vocabulary, and not something she’d be able to guess easily. So, I encouraged my daughter to do more wide reading. She reads a great deal anyway, but I reminded her that she could borrow as many books at the library as she could read.

Sometimes, Missy 10 just reads the same books at home over and over again. In reading a wider variety, she expands her vocabulary. I find with her, all she needs is to see the written word, and she’s pretty good at remembering the spelling after that. There are two computer/internet games she loves: Mathletics and another Aussie spelling one. (I wish I could remember the name of it, but my daughter’s asleep as I write this. I’ll ask her the name of it, and share it tomorrow.) Both have spelling competitions where she can compete with other kids across the country. She absolutely loves playing these games! So this was my other suggestion: keep practicing on there, too.

I told her that I was proud of her spelling abilities as they are now, already. I am more than happy for her to just keep trying her best at school, and not try to cruise through just because it’s easy for her. But I also told her that if she wanted something desperately enough in life, that she could push herself, work extra hard, and have more chance of making her goals come to light.

So, do I think it’s cruel to push children too hard? Absolutely. But I have no qualms whatsoever with encouraging my children to push themselves hard for things they want in life. I think it’s an important skill to have. My daughter knows that no matter how hard she works, we’ll always insist that she have playtime/downtime. She knows that we will not allow her to beat herself up mentally if she doesn’t achieve perfection. The good news is though, that as time goes on, I think she’s seeing that perfection is an impossible thing to strive for. Over the years, she has put this pressure on herself: she knows she’s smart, so has had trouble understanding why she doesn’t always get what she believes would be a ‘perfect’ result in life.

I’m hell-bent on teaching her that as long as you’ve done your best, that’s all you can do. You may not get the mark you craved, but you can hold your head up with pride that you worked hard and gave an honest effort. Where do you draw the line when it comes to pushing your kids?

Other reading:

Regressive behavior in children

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children to talk about feelings

Learn by doing – laundry

Ten activities that enhance under fives’ language skills

Emotional development – initiative

Reflective listening

Students’ homework: how much should we help?