When I fell pregnant with Mr 4, my second son, I knew everything would change. Yes, Missy 10 (then 5) had grown up with her three step siblings visiting now and then. But this was different. She was finally going to have a baby brother. Living with us, being raised alongside her. Sharing the affections of her parents.
I knew that fighting would be inevitable, but I welcomed it. I think kids learn a lot about life from those fights with their siblings. They learn how to problem-solve, compromise and think about what is morally right and wrong. They learn how to express anger, frustration and sadness appropriately. Nicole Avery wrote about the importance of not becoming the referee and letting children work through the problem themselves. I fully agree.
What I’d like to focus on today, is the type of sibling fights that can go on all day long, possibly even day after day. This situation can become stressful for the entire household. The children tire of having the same repetitive argument, and parents get fed up with listening to it. Because it continues all day, it’s no longer constructive for the kids to be left to work it out. I find these types of arguments are often caused by siblings who are spending too much time together.
I had a day like this yesterday. Missy 2 and Mr 4 spent the entire day provoking one another, then hitting or pushing each other. Then, they’d whine to us about what the other child did. Missy 10 wasn’t a part of this dynamic, and usually isn’t, because she’s at school. She gets a break from them, and they, her. (Come back to me during school holidays, and I’ll be singing a different tune)
I looked back on the types of days my youngest two have been having. Wake up in the same room (we’ve had to make them share a room for a little while due to renovation issues), have breakfast together. Play together, lunch together, bath together, dinner together, bedtime routine together. I think if I had that much togetherness with just one person, I’d turn on them, too!
So, my solution for the ‘I’m sick of your face’ blues, is to simply split them both up, giving them something constructive to do. I find when siblings fight constantly like this, that the fight takes over their play as well. They forget to play, because they are so focused on the negativity.
My partner took Missy 2 out to do this:
Jumping her jollies out, kicking her aggression into the ball.
Finding a new focus, concentrating on scissor and gluing skills. I like him to do this for school readiness preparation, anyway. I asked Mr 4 if he was enjoying the break from his little sister. He looked at me with his eyes widened with this new realisation, breathing a massive sigh of relief, and said, ‘YES!’ I explained to him that we all need a break from people sometimes, and that he and Missy 2 would probably end up playing happily later as a result. They could enjoy each other again, as they usually do.
Mr 4 was chuffed at that suggestion. We didn’t have this talk with Missy 2, as it’s probably a bit too ‘heavy’ for her just yet. But in getting Mr 4 committed to the cause of getting along, he made the effort once they got back together. Missy 2 was then also open to make an effort as a result.
….And play nicely again, they did. When it was bath time today, I tried washing them separately, in keeping with the idea of giving them more breaks like this from one another. Missy 2 looked worried. She wanted to know why her brother wasn’t in the bath with her!
It’s true what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Are your kids getting along today?
If you’re a true Harry Potter fan, then you’ll know that tonight is an important night in the grand scheme of things: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is on at the movies! Squeeee!!!
All of us here, bar Missy 2 are gigantic Harry Potter fans. We have every single book (although Chamber of Secrets has gone missing; we must replace it immediately) and DVD. My fiance, Missy 10 and I have read all the books a gazillion times (Missy 10′s been reading the books since she was 6, and watching the movies since she was 2. She’s truly grown up on Harry Potter). The movies? We’ve watched those a gazillion times one hundred. We’ve even had Harry Potter movie marathons.
Mr 4 loves his Harry Potter as well, but obviously just watches the DVDs at his age. Which leads me to the great debate that always comes up every time the next movie in the series is released: is it right to take a child to see Harry Potter at the movies?
It’s a debate I’ve been quite vocal about in many forums. There’s always someone claiming, ‘I went to see Harry Potter last night, and I couldn’t believe that an 8 year old was allowed to go see it!’ I often wonder if it’s my child they’re talking about.
We’ve probably been taking Missy 10 to see the latest Harry Potter movie since she was about six, maybe? Much to many peoples’ horror. Yes, we know they’re not rated for her age. Many have shown concern that young children might be scared by these movies.
When the Prisoner of Azkaban was released in theatres, that seemed to bring out the strongest reaction from the punters. Many were concerned that the Dementors would frighten children. My daughter had already read it, and seemed just fine. Plus, she’d seen every other movie in the series by that time without any fear, so we felt confident in our decision. It turns out, she was fine. It was exciting for her to think about how she imagined the story from the book, then see it made into a movie.
The Goblet of Fire movie also drew concern for keeping children from watching it. Why? ‘Because it’s got dragons in it’, I was told by several people. Hmm. Dragons are one of my daughter’s favourite things, right up there with dinosaurs. She’s loved dragons for years now, attracted to the mythology of them. It turned out, during the predicted ‘scariest’ part of the movie featuring the dragons, she laughed loudly in the movie theatre at how fast the dragons were as they chased the Tri Wizard Cup contenders.
Mr 4 has watched all of the series at home, and has never had a problem. Would I take him to the movies to see this new movie? No. Only because at his age, I know he won’t be able to sit still through it. But I would take him to a Disney movie and put up with his fidgeting. As for Missy 2, she has been brought up with Harry Potter in the background from birth, and we’ve never had a problem. She likes certain parts of the movies, but at her age, they don’t hold her attention very well.
When we make a decision about whether or not a movie is suitable for our children, we don’t adhere to the ratings. We take note of them, indeed, but for us they are more of a guideline. We’re more likely to think about the personality of each child, what they are afraid of, what they are interested in and of course, our values.
We generally aren’t keen on movies that are too violent, but we make the exception with Harry Potter, because we feel that it is a classic tale of the fight between good and evil. Not that we feel it’s overly violent anyway, any fights are usually of the magical kind, so it’s not really the same thing.
We also avoid movies that we feel would sexualise our children at too early an age. If we’re still undecided on a movie we haven’t seen, we’ll watch it first to check if we think it’s suitable or not. So far, this has worked for us.
What’s your approach with children and movies? Do you follow the ratings by the book? Do you watch everything first, before you let your child? Do you have some other way you decide? Also, have you seen the latest Harry Potter movie yet? How was it??
I’ve talked before about the importance of encouraging our children to discuss feelings.
I’ve made some very simple felt pieces to attach to circular faces which have been stuck to the fridge. Our little ones can have fun rearranging the the facial features into different emotions. This is an effective way for children to learn about self expression, reading the body language of others, and having empathy for others.
This is a language rich activity to also help children discuss colours, label facial features, but most of all, to give words to their feelings and become familiar with using them.
It’s handy to have little circles of felt for this purpose, especially for those times when a big felt board is not handy. I think it’d also look great on a child’s bedroom wall.
It’s been beautiful Spring weather here lately. Mr 4 and I ventured outside to pick loads of lavender that has popped out all over the place. We also set about untying and pulling the petals off the dried lavender that has been hanging all this time.
Mr 4 and I compared two very different flowers: a dried lavender flower, and a fresh one. We talked about the differences in colour, texture and smell. He had a ball hanging out in the old shop, having a nice old poke around.
First we sorted through our big wicker basket chock-ful of flowers. Mr 4 and I had to turn them all around so that each bud was facing the same way, then tie them in bunches and lastly, hang them up to dry. I told him about how the air circulates all through the leaves, petals and stems, helping to dry out the flowers so we can preserve them for later use.
It certainly kept him very busy! ‘This is hard work, Mum!’ he kept telling me.
But there was more to do… It was then time to un-tie the dried lavender that Missy 9 had helped me with, and crumble the petals away from the stalks to be stored.
You should have smelt that shop! Oh my…
We’ve also been having some adorable visitors that have been keeping the children amused…
Meet Little Frog. If you remember me telling you briefly about our flooding situation, then I don’t need to explain to you why the carpet has been ripped out and you’re staring at the concrete floor of our currently defunct playroom. It seems Little Frog has made himself right at home amid all the damp.
And have you met Big Toad?
This picture really doesn’t do this beautiful creature justice. Blame it on the neurotic woman behind the camera! This overblown toad was found outside whilst I was outside at the bins. I rushed inside to find a container and a cloth to put over the top.
Big Toad was much heavier than I anticipated, and lurched all around in this temporary home. I was not game to take more than a bird’s eye shot. But I will say this toad is much, much bigger than it looks in this photo. Its tummy was so chubby, it nearly didn’t fit into my container! We all enjoyed looking at its colourful stripes and it’s bubbly neck. Then, of course I let it go. I think it was a very pregnant girl frog…
I don’t think I’ve ever seen as many toads as I have since moving here. And certainly none so colourful! Does anyone know what type of toad it is?
What is initiative and why is it so important to nurture it in young children?
–noun
1.
an introductory act or step; leading action: to take the initiative in making friends.
2.
readiness and ability in initiating action; enterprise: to lack initiative.
3.
one’s personal, responsible decision: to act on one’s own initiative. Source: Dictionary.com
Erik Erikson, a well-known theorist in child emotional development believed that between the 4-5 years of age, children reach the psychosocial stage known as ‘purpose’, also described as ‘initiative versus guilt’.
In the photo above, you can see Mr 4 helping to put away the groceries after a shopping trip. He sees Mum and Dad doing this every fortnight, and begs to be a part of it. We believe that it’s important to allow him to help with this task.
At this age, children become inquisitive about what the adults in their lives are doing and make efforts to imitate them. Erikson believed that when a child makes an attempt to show iniative and is encouraged to do so, they develop a sense of purpose. The child then goes on to set goals in life, and does their best to achieve them.
Erikson also believed that if we punished a child’s actions motivated by initative, this can bring about guilt and inhibition in the child. He believed that too much purpose with no guilt at all can be just as detrimental to a child’s emotional development, leading to ruthless behaviour.
So how can we foster initiative in our young children? If our child sees us doing a given task and wants to participate, try to find ways to make this possible. If our children here do something helpful without being asked, we praise them and let them know that we are proud of them for using their initiative. Of course, when we start out teaching this concept, they have no idea what it means! But over time, with repeated examples in day-to-day life, they get the gist of it, and understand why showing initiative is such a valuable characteristic to have.
The beauty of fostering this trait early in life is that you don’t have to stop nurturing it once they hit five years of age! Missy 9 is still no stranger to the encouragement of a bit of initiative, and it’s beautiful to see the young lady she’s growing into as a result. We have a new puppy here as some of you know, and although she’s having less accidents, Missy 9 is very quick to grab a cloth and the spray cleaner and deal with it, without a second thought. If Missy 2 has hurt herself, Missy 9 will often rush to comfort her without hesitation.
She is a joy to wake up to. Before we wake, she is dressed for school, has made her own school lunch and packed that with her recess. She serves her own breakfast and is usually eating it by the time we rise. And let’s face it; by her age, she shouldn’t need to be reminded of every little task required to get ready for school, and she certainly doesn’t need us to do it all for her. I feel confident that so far, we’ve provided her the best we can to be able to look after herself in the real world, at an appropriate level for her. Of course, our work is not done, and as she gets older she will learn more life skills, and gain more independence and responsibility.
As much as we sometimes feel sad that she’s growing up so fast, it’s also an exciting time. I feel that as she is given the appropriate level of autonomony, over time she is becoming more prepared for the real world out there everyday. And that’s something to rejoice in. Colin Wee is also a big fan of nurturing initiative in his 8 year-old son, and you can read more examples of how he goes about it.
Can you think of examples of times your child has shown initiative in the home? Are there any ways you could further foster this trait in your child?
Sometimes, when my fiance goes out shopping or anywhere else, he likes to take one or two of our kids with him and leave me behind with just one child. At these times, I make the most of some rare one-on-one time with the child who stays with me.
Today, Mr 4 stayed at home with me, and we had lots of snuggles. Then, he turned around and asked me to take photos of him. Like many mums, I like to take the child’s lead with their play whenever I can. So, I grabbed the camera, and he, being a little bit precious about the whole thing, moved a chair in front of the fridge, because he felt that was where he wanted to pose.
And so we snapped up one picture after another. He tried to make each face a little bit more ridiculous than the last, and checked how he looked on the digital camera’s display screen. It’s weird, he’s the only boy living with two sisters, and yet he’s the most vain of the three kids!
The great thing about this game was that Mr 4 was given the opportunity to be creative and also engage in some dramatic play with the only prop being a camera. I think it is also a nice thing to do for a child’s self esteem, as they enjoy having the undivided attention of a parent, and being able to make mummy laugh. I know he felt really good about himself after playing this game. He also enjoyed the process of looking at the photos on the computer, and he’s learning a little bit about technology along the way.
My favourite part of the whole experience? The laughter. He thought he was brilliant, and we were both in hysterics.
Does your child have lots of homework? Do they breeze through, or loathe it? And what of our role as parents? Should we sit down at the table as they figure it out, or do we leave them to their own devices?
My opinion on the subject is to let the child work as independantly as possible, but to also keep aware of their progress and give help if and when it’s required. There is a healthy balance, and I have some suggestions on how encourage your child to act as an independant learner whilst offering an appropriate level of parental involvement.
Set a positive tone.
Here’s a rough idea of our after school routine:
- put away school bag and have 15 minutes of ‘flop’ time. Us oldies never liked being bombarded with demands as soon as we walk in the door from our job (in my case, back in the dinosaur ages!). Let’s give our kids the same courtesy and give them a minute to settle in before pulling out their school books.Flop time is a chance for our daughter to sit down, put her feet up, have a quick snack, a big drink of water and go to the toilet before getting stuck into it.
- broach the subject in a positive light. What would you prefer to be told? ‘Come on, we’ve got a lot to get through…’ or, ‘Ok, once this is done, you’ve got the rest of the afternoon to play’? Focus less on the fact that’s it a chore, and more on what the child has to look forward to.
- provide a study area that has enough space for your child to be comfortable and has few distractions. Distractions can vary depending on your child, but may include tv, or other noisy siblings. Mr Four when he was a toddler, used to climb all over my poor daughter and try to grab her pencils and papers! Missy Two was a baby at the time, and was quite noisy as well. I quickly learnt to occupy them at this time of day for Missy Nine’s sake. Sometimes I would get the two younger kids involved in an activity or encourage them to play in a different room, for example. Mr Four’s favourite way to be distracted was to be given his very own book to draw in, so he felt that he was doing just what his big sister was doing.
- Consider the simple things, such as adequate sleep and nutrition. These things also play an important part in a child’s ability to concentrate and learn new things. I find when my daughter has taken her fish oil, she can focus more easily and handle life’s stresses a little more easily.
Eliminate all excuses
I’ve talked before about planning ahead by keeping extra school supplies at home. If your child leaves their pencil case at school to try to weasel their way out of their responsibilities, it will backfire on them!
Ensure your child has been to the toilet, had a drink of water, basically done all the things that are usually used as excuses to procrastinate, beforehand.
Let your child attempt the task themselves.
Question: when you’re trying to concentrate on an important job, how well do you do with someone sitting close by, watching you, interrupting you, breathing down your neck? Not well, huh? It’s no different for kids. Let your child try to solve that maths problem on their own, apply trial and error, cause and effect. Give their brain a workout. Learning to problem-solve, research and be a critical thinker is something that comes from within. No amount of trying to do this for a child will help this process.
Be prepared to help if your child gets stuck.
If your child has attempted to answer a question on their sheet and is honestly stumped, let them know you are there to help. This is another skill that will encourage your child to become an active learner: to know when to reach out for guidance. The child simply may not understand the question being asked, and may need some clarification.
Ask questions that will help your child to find the answer themselves.
When it comes to helping with a problem, giving your child the answer is not helpful, and it robs them of an important learning opportunity. Give suggestions on another way to approach the problem.
‘Could you try doing it this way instead?’
‘Where else do you think you might find more information?’
If your child is still stuck, then it’s a good time to sit down with your child, and see if you can both work it out together. At times like these, a child benefits from seeing how others, particularly adults, go about finding answers.
If your child becomes distraught, give them a short break.
Sometimes, when a child gets an especially tough question and have been trying their little hearts out, they can get frustrated and stressed. Let your child walk away for 15 minutes, stop thinking about it, have a drink of water, and come back afresh.
Encourage your child to ask their teacher for further clarification.
Sometimes, us parents just don’t know the answers. It’s good at times like this for a child to ask their teacher for further guidance. Once, I remember my daughter hadn’t listened in class when her teacher was explaining how to do a specific task. She admitted to me she didn’t understand how to answer the maths question. On further probing, she admitted why. Now, call me a bad mother, but I refused to help her.
I told her to admit to her teacher she was talking, apologise and ask for her to explain it to her again. She did this, then on her next attempt to fill out the question, was able to do it. She also learnt the hard way, that it’s important to listen to her teachers! (She may also have overheard me tell her Dad that if she didn’t ask her teacher, then I’d ring the schooland do it for her. Hehe. But that’s beside the point)
Check your child’s progess at the end of each session.
This keeps your child accountable and honest. It’s also one way we can keep involved without interfering in their learning process. We can see what our child does well, and pick up things that might need more attention.
What if my child makes a mistake?
I like to treat mistakes with as much positivity as possible. I don’t think it’s fair if a child has been slogging their heart out, only to be told, ‘you got that, that and that wrong. Not good enough.’ Now that my daughter is older, I’m so rusty on schooling that I would have no clue if she is giving the correct answer or not! And that is fine. It’s good for the teacher to know. When Missy Nine was younger, if I spotted any mistakes, I’d ask her if she wanted me to tell her which ones she got wrong, or let the teacher find them and help her later.
The perfectionist in her often wanted to know, so I would show them to her and she’d mostly see it too, and it’d be one big ‘ah-ha!’ moment. At times like that, she’d go back and correct them herself. If she was tired or had simply had enough that day, she’d leave it for the teacher. Either way, we use the attitude here that mistakes are natural, and part of the process of learning. She still can get very upset at times when she realises she can’t be perfect all the time, but hey, we’re working on it!
Praise your child’s efforts. Point out the benefits and rewards.
Let your child know how proud you are that they are giving this their best effort. Remind them when they have finished for the afternoon that they are now free to have some good old, after school fun. If they get a positive grade or comment on their report, make it clear that it’s because they’ve made such an excellent commitment.
My child is really struggling with some subjects, isn’t it up to me to fix it?
Fix it by doing it for them? No. That’s not a fix, that’s a mask. Talk to your child’s teacher about your concerns and ask what things you could do with your child to help. It might be as simple as encouraging your child to spend a little extra time on a subject, or getting some extra help via the school or a tutor.
This is the last installment in my tantrum series.
Last time I wrote about tantrums, I touched on public tantrums and just how stressful and difficult they can be for a parent or carer to deal with. I talked about how busy the adult is, possibly already stressed by the errands they are running, then the child who is tantrumming, which is finally rounded off with an unhealthy dose of public interference.
This post is for anyone who’s ever judged another parent or carer of a child who had a public tantrum. Or worse, criticised or undermined a parent/carer’s best efforts at dealing with the tantrum. I write this in the hope that a parent/caregiver/child is treated better by a stranger as a result.
Dear stranger, please respect how we manage our child/rens’ behaviour.
Nobody will ever agree 100% with another parent/carer’s approach to behaviour management, but as long as the child is not being abused or put in danger, please respect that we may do it differently to how you would, and that is our right. To publicly criticise us, especially in front of our child, undermines our authority as parents, and then if they end up in juvey at 13, you will no doubt blame us, the abovementioned parents because our children ended up having no respect for us.
To throw another method/technique/idea into the works would be confusing to the child anyway.
Do not interrupt an adult dealing with a child having a tantrum
Do not talk over the parent. Do not say within the child’s earshot, ‘oh, that’s alright, he can have it!’ If the parent has said no, that needs to be respected. Do not confuse the child.
Do not stare/tut/shake your head at parent or child.
Both already feel embarrassed, stressed and frustrated. One day this could be you. Or maybe years ago, it was you, and you’ve conveniently forgotten this fine detail.
Can you do something to help?
Years ago, when my first child was two, I was trying to walk home with her, carrying far too many plastic bags of shopping. My daughter was refusing to walk, and was trying to wrestle her way to the ground and run to the road. I was trying to carry her home quickly, and juggle her and the bags. It was quite the spectacle.
Next thing I knew, a lady around my age came outside, and my guard instantly went up. Oh my god, I thought. She thinks I’m beating up my child. Or she’s going to tell me I should be. Instead, she asked me how far away I lived, and if I would like her to carry my bags so I could carry my daughter home more easily. Of course, I didn’t want to put her out, but she reassured me I wasn’t, so I said yes.
As we walked home together, she asked how old my daughter was. On telling her, she replied that she had a little girl at home the same age who would love to play with her! We exchanged numbers, and our two little ones ended up having quite a few playdates.
Most of the time, a parent or carer wants to be left to get on with the job of dealing with their child without interference. What if there were more people in this world like this lady, who offered to help with some other part of your errand and left you to deal with your child unhindered? To offer to unpack your trolley onto the conveyor belt as you managed your child’s behaviour? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if more people did this, rather than stand and gawk or criticise?
What do you wish others would do when your child has a public tantrum? And by the same token, what could you do for another parent in this situation, without undermining that parents’ methods?
So, we’ve talked about what causes tantrums, ways we can prevent them and how to build up our childrens’ communication skills to help get through the tantrum stage more smoothly. But what about if you have implemented all of these strategies and your child still has a tantrum anyway?
Relax. Remember, it’s a normal part of a child’s development, and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It can take time for a child to learn to accept that not everything will happen they way they want it to in life, all the time. I have focused more in this series on understanding the motives behind tantrums and preventative measures, because I believe that it’s all the work we put in here that pays dividends.
I’ve yet to meet two parents who’ve ever agreed 100% on the best ways to raise children. Most parents and carers have varied yet passionate opinions on how to deal with a child who is throwing a tantrum. I’m going to reiterate that these ideas are only my approach, and I enjoy open discussion on the wide variety of ways other parents deal with it. Don’t be afraid to be creative in your approach, try your own ideas. You know your child better than anyone else in the world. As always, let’s respect each others’ differences and let everyone have the freedom to have the floor with their opinions.
With that little disclaimer out of the way, I’m going to focus on the tantrums where a child doesn’t get something they desperately want. I have a few ‘constants’ that do not change, regardless of the childs’ age:
I don’t say no, then say yes after the tantrum.
Your child wants an ice cream. For whatever reasons, you’ve said no. Child screams, maybe even throws themselves on the floor. This is stressful for parents and carers. Often it seems easier and so tempting to just say, ‘oh, alright then, you can have the ice cream!’ If you do this, I guarantee that the tantrum will stop instantly. I also guarantee that your child will throw more tantrums in the near future and will probably take longer to move out of this tantrum stage of their lives.
What happens when a child is given in to like this, is that the child is rewarded for expressing their wants in an inappropriate way. No, we don’t expect perfect behaviour from a one year old, or a three year old. It’s normal for them to try to see what will work for them. But it’s up to us to teach them better ways to express this. When we teach our children that screaming for what we want doesn’t achieve the desired result, over time they become capable of finding other ways to ask for things, also to accept that sometimes it’s no.
What would happen if we applied for a job and didn’t get it? Asked a potential love interest out on a date and were rejected? Would kicking and screaming help the situation? No. Does this mean that we expect our children to behave like adults at all times? No. We expect our children to try inappropriate behaviour, and then we repetitively teach them what the actual expectation will be of them in the real world. We spend this time preparing them.
So if it’s no when my child first asks, then it’s no after they’ve had a tantrum too.
Ignore the tantrum.
Now, I don’t want people to say, ‘but what if they’re hungry/tired? They’re upset because they need something!’ Yes, I agree. In those cases, if that is the cause, as I’ve already covered in previous topics, you deal with it. But today I’m talking about dealing with tantrums where a child does not like hearing the word, ‘no’.
I find that a child tantrumming over not getting what they wanted is much like dealing with someone who is ranting when they’re drunk. You can’t reason with them during the rant. I personally choose not to reward the behaviour with attention. Once they have calmed down, then I will talk to them about the situation. I am a strong believer in letting a child have their thoughts sometimes. Giving them time to themselves to reflect on what they are doing. Thinking about if it’s even working. I remember back all the way to two years of age in my childhood. I remember throwing tantrums. One of the most loving things my parents did for me was to leave me alone with my head, and let me make sense of it. If I am concerned that my child is in danger or putting others in danger, then I move them somewhere safe and leave them to it.
Create a diversion.
I’ve added this idea more for the very young tantrummers, say between the ages 1-2 years old. Because their attention span can be shorter, often we can redirect the behaviour towards another activity or interest. A child may be ready to scream for that ice cream, but if we can say, ‘look Gretel, there’s a fire truck! It’s big and it’s red and let’s go play with it/look at it!’ sometimes the child will forget all about it.
Some may consider this rewarding the behaviour. I disagree. They’ve forgotten their tantrum, and they didn’t get the ice cream, did they?
This week I’ve been talking a lot about tantrums. We’ve talked about the ‘why‘, the triggers and today I’m talking about how we can use language to help our child and ourselves.
I’ve mentioned before the frustration a child feels when they lack the ability to put their wants and feelings into words. So my best tip in tantrum prevention, and getting through the tantrum phase more quickly and easily is expanding on a child’s communication skills.
Give your child a vocabulary for emotions.
If children can put a word to different feelings, or know what they mean, it becomes a way of communicating what they are feeling. My three year old son has been taught to differentiate common feelings: happy, sad, angry. We also have taught him the meaning of the feeling, ‘frustration’ and ‘disappointment’. These are two feelings that are very common causes of tantrums, and very hard emotions for kids to put into words, unless we use them often. We did this with Missy 9 when she was in the tantrum stage, also. Often, my son will use these words to describe how he’s feeling, and when he’s too upset to tell us, we can ask him (‘are you upset, angry, frustrated?’) and he will nod or shake his head at the word he is feeling. Usually, once we’ve nailed how he’s feeling, we find he can’t help but start talking about what is bothering him.
Some ways we can teach kids to understand different feelings:
- through pretend play. You, or your child/ren can act out different feelings. Make it fun. Kids love watching mums and dads pretending to cry. Little sadists, they are… You can pretend with toys, puppets, whatever you like.
- through songs. Try, ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ or, ‘how do you feel today?’
- via stories. When you’re reading a story with your child, stop to look at the pictures. Ask your child how they think the character is feeling. If it’s a feeling that is sad, angry, etc you can ask the child, ‘what do you think would make him happy again?’
- when watching tv shows. You can ask the same sorts of questions as you would when reading a story.
- encourage them to observe other people, such as their brothers or sisters and think about how they are feeling. This has the side benefit of encouraging compassion for others as well.
- give names to the feelings when they come over the child. I’ve mentioned before that when any of my children are frustrated, particularly when little, I will say, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you?’ or, ‘I can see how angry/upset you are’.
- through art. When your child is drawing or painting, or creating something, you can sometimes bring discussion about feelings into it. If your child is drawing a person or an animal, you can ask your child how the person in the drawing is feeling, and what made them feel that way. You can ask what would make the animal happy.
- when you’re listening to music, talk about whether it sounds like a sad song, a happy song, an angry song, etc.
Help your child to widen their vocabulary in general.
The more language skills a child has, the less they will tantrum.
- Talk to your child often, talk about what they are doing, what you are doing, describe how you are walking up the steps together, or washing your tummy in the bath, describe anything that occurs in your day.
- Tell your child the names of objects, and praise them when they try to say them. An important one was for us to teach our daughter the word, ‘cup’. Once she could attempt to say that word, we managed to remove that tantrum trigger, because we could make out what she was trying to say. In turn, she learnt that saying words was a more likely way to meet her needs and wants than screaming or grunting, and led to her wanting to try other words, too.
- Read with your child often. We all know this is an obvious way to develop a child’s language skills, but it’s still important to mention it here.
Role model language when you are angry/upset/frustrated.
We can teach our children that us adults get upset, frustrated and angry too. If children can see us showing appropriate ways of expressing those feelings, it makes it so much easier for them to see what we expect them to do when it’s their turn. Think about what you do or say when you are angry. Do you yell and scream? Do you slam things on the table?
Hey, we’re all human, and we all sometimes react in a way we wished we hadn’t. I’m not just talking about with our children, I’m talking about with life in general. This isn’t intended to judge anyone, or criticise at all. But I know in myself, my moods and my temper can easily get the better of me at times, and it’s important to keep it or get it in check, because I have three pairs of eyes watching how I handle it. Learning about the ‘done thing’ by adults, so to speak.
Here’s the list of what I like to aim for in terms of role modelling these feelings in front of children:
- I try to tell my kids how I’m feeling. I don’t always go into why I’m upset or angry, because sometimes they are for adult reasons, and not my childrens’ burden to bear. But if they can handle the reason I’m feeling a certain way, I aim to tell them. Examples are:
‘I’m just really angry because the cat scratched my leg and it hurts a lot.’
‘I’m frustrated because I’ve been trying to open this jar and it’s stuck!’
‘I’m disappointed, because I wanted vegemite on toast, but now the jar’s empty’
- I try to tell the kids what I think I might do about it.
‘I think I need to sit down for a minute until I calm down, and my leg stops hurting’
‘Maybe I’ll ask Daddy if he can help me to open this jar.’
‘Oh well, I might have cereal for breakfast instead’.
I have deliberately used the words, ‘aim for’ and ‘try to’ when making up this list. The reason being, is that I’m human and I fall short often. Most people do, it’s human nature. The good news is, we can teach our kids through role modelling, what not to do as well!
Kids sometimes get really scared of their tantrums, because they know they are out of control, and it’s not a nice feeling for them. They might think it makes them ‘bad’, or think we won’t love them as much because they weren’t completely perfect. What if they could see adults making errors in their judgement, losing control? (Within reason, of course) Won’t that make them feel that they’re not so bad when it happens to them? I think so!
Sometimes, like a lot of parents, I’ve yelled when I know I shouldn’t have at people, including my kids. I think it can help a lot to apologise to our kids if they see us go over the top. An example:
‘I’m sorry I was silly before. I shouldn’t have yelled like that. I think I should’ve just walked away to calm down.’
If any of you have ever seen your child copy the way you do something, be it a phrase you often use, or facial mannerisms, you’ll know just how powerful your example is to your children. Good or bad. I find my two older kids often come back to me later after they’ve overreacted to something, and really surprised me with a heartfelt apology, and an explanation why they lost control. An example could be Missy 9: ‘I’m sorry I was rude at the shops. I really wanted that magazine, and when you said no, I still really wanted it. I promise I’ll try not to nag you next time’.
When this genuine sort of apology is given to me, I like to thank them, and let them know we all make mistakes, and the main thing is to learn from them so next time we can try to do things differently.
I hope you come back to read my next post about public tantrums. I know this is the type most of us struggle with! I’m also going to talk about what we can do if you’ve avoided the triggers, you’ve done everything you can to avoid tantrums, and your child still has a tantrum anyway. Kelly from Be a Fun Mum has aptly suggested I call it, ‘Parents Eat Humble Pie’. I must say, it has its merits!
