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Emotional development – initiative

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Mr Three makes pea and ham soup

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Dealing with anger in children

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Finding the Source of Your Child’s Anger

Written on February 12th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, February 2011, Language, Parenting

‘What’s gotten into him lately?’ Us parents often find ourselves asking this when our child’s anger gets out of control. Or more frequent. This is part two of my anger in children series – figuring out what’s gotten our child so riled up.

Talk to me

When my child is calm, and not in the throes of rage, I talk to them about their anger. I look for things that are worrying, upsetting, frightening or annoying them. Over time, I’ve been teaching Mr 4 about how to name his feelings (think in terms of years, not overnight). This means that that when he’s feeling a certain way, I will use one word to describe it. With repetition, he’s learned what disappointment, frustration and a whole host of other feelings mean. It’s bloody hard for a child to express their feelings when they don’t know what they’re called!

My children enjoy playing our felt game, faces with feelings for fun, but it has the bonus of teaching them to identify and talk about emotions. They enjoy acting out the different feelings, making up scenarios, voices and dialogue. With this foundation, I can talk to my child knowing they’ll understand the emotional concepts I mention.

Reflective listening

I often use this approach here. (I don’t use it as often with Missy 10, as I can ask her what’s wrong and she’ll easily tell me. But it’s good to have a range of approaches for different personalities). Yesterday, after Mr 4 was more open to talking after an explosive episode, I told him, ‘You’re angry because yesterday I told you Daddy’s going back to hospital for a longer time’

Mr 4 tensed up with fury. I knew I was on the right track.

Him: ‘I don’t want him to go’

Me: ‘You’re going to miss Daddy when he’s in hospital’ He nodded.

Me: ‘Last time Daddy went to hospital, you told me he wasn’t coming back, remember?’ He nodded.

Me: ‘And did he come back?’ His eyes widened, and he nodded some more.

Me: ‘You were so surprised and excited when he came home, weren’t you?’ He nodded, got up, gave me a hug and began crying. (Yes, I had some tears, too!)

I let him cry and told him it’s good to let his sadness out. Next, I told him, ‘you’re worried Daddy won’t come back this time too, aren’t you?’ He nodded, and I reassured him that he’d come back this time too, and it’d be such a happy time. He smiled at this, then became serious. ‘Why did you need a doctor’s appointment anyway?’ Ah-ha!

Can you see how this reflective listening works? Without having to interrogate your child, you can expose their deepest, darkest fears – the ones you wouldn’t have guessed. Let’s face it, we can only deal with these issues once they’re out on the table.

Four is such an emotionally intense age. You’ve got the over-active imagination, the monsters in the bedroom and above all, the most literal interpretation of cause and effect. See, my partner has had a lot of doctor’s appointments over the past year and a half. Notably, when he went to hospital for paint poisoning, it was within the hour of returning from a doctor’s appointment. Is it any wonder, that being four years old, he believes that a doctor’s appointment causes us to go to hospital? The truth is, it’s the illness, and the extent of it that caused it.

Similarly, that time he went to hospital, I was the one who rang the ambulance. My son was two years old at the time, and full of resentment toward me. All he could see was that I put his father there (and my partner was refusing to go!), and when he asked if he was coming home, I was the one saying no. He couldn’t see that the illness was causing the hospital stay then, either. To him, I made the phone call, therefore I caused it.

On further discussion, we talked about how he was afraid that both of his parents would end up in hospital at the same time, and he’d have no-one left to look after him. With reflective listening, we scraped through his anger and sadness to reveal a frightened little boy. I won’t bore you with the dialogue, but of course I reassured him that this wasn’t going to happen at all.

Preventative measures

Once we know the source of our child’s anger, we can use this to take preventative measures. I am making sure to explain everything I can about this hospital stay and checking if he has any more questions or worries about it. Because my son gets very physical when he’s mad, I look for ways to help him have a physical release in his play. I see that it’s important that he spend lots of time with both parents as much as is possible, so we allow for that, too.

He and Missy 2 have had some dreadful fights lately, which have also made him angry. I try to ensure they have plenty of time apart to prevent that anger build-up. I remind myself to give my kids fish oil. It’s annoying how everytime things get stressful around here, I forget to give it to them, when in reality, that’s when they need it most!

Tomorrow, I’m going to talk about teaching our children healthy ways to express their anger. I believe if anger isn’t expressed, it can have destructive effects. My son avoids expressing his anger and bottles it up until he explodes. This is the life lesson he needs at the moment, and it’s the one we’re teaching him. It takes time, but I know we’ll get there.

To get in the mood for tomorrow’s installment, how do your kids express their anger? Are you happy with how they do it? What would you like to see improved?

Other reading:

Healthy ways children can express their anger

Ground rules for anger

Consequences of anger

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

Finding the source of the anger

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Dealing With Anger in Children

Written on February 11th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, February 2011, Parenting, Social

I’m writing this with a bruised chin tonight. You see, Mr 4 decided that he was so angry at the world, that throwing a heavy wooden toy at my face would make him feel better. Charming.

I mentioned here yesterday and also to my son that my partner is going to hospital next week for a long time. Every other time his dad’s gone to hospital has led my son to become increasingly angry and upset. Unfortunately, he expresses his anger explosively and violently. He becomes defiant, breaking the rules on purpose to get a reaction. He tries saying disrespectful things, such as ‘shut up’, that he knows he isn’t allowed to say.

After having broken the news to him about his father’s impending hospital stay, I braced myself for all of this. My son was right on schedule today, exploding like a time bomb.

As you can imagine, I also feel anger over his behaviour. Like any parent, sometimes I handle it well, other times I handle it terribly. What better time for me to write about this subject, whilst it’s so fresh in my mind? I’m going to write a series about anger management for children over the next few days. Over the course of the series I’ll share how I dealt with my son’s behaviour this time around.

Each day, I’ll cover different aspects that I’m teaching my children about anger. They include:

Healthy ways children can express their anger

Ground rules for anger

Consequences for harmful expressions of anger

Repetition

Anger in the real world

Teaching a child how anger works.

I hope you’ll journey with me during this series, and share your thoughts and ideas with everyone. What I’d love to hear from you today, is what you feel causes your child/ren to get angry?

Other reading:

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

Emotional development – how help children talk about feelings.

Regressive behavior in children

6 Comments -

Pushing Kids to do Their Best

Written on February 6th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Cognitive, Emotional, February 2011, Preschool aged, School aged

This is a sensitive subject for me. I have mentioned before, but don’t like to go on and on about it, but Missy 10 is very bright. When she was four years old, she learned how to read fluently. I read a baby board book to her, showing her how I was sounding the letters out in the words, then left the room. When I came back, she was reading everything. Of course, in order to be able to do this, she already had been taught letter sounds. Basically, any time, right from when she was a baby, if she ever pointed to a letter and asked what it was, we’d tell her the name of the letter and the sound it makes. Then we’d move on and forget all about it.

I, of course, being a proud mum, bragged to my parents about it, who were equally proud. I kept tight-lipped about it with others, because to be reading to the extent she was, I knew it looked bad. I’m sure it looked like I’d been coaching a poor little four year old into being a competitive academic. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s a shame, because I had every right to be proud of her! But I knew it made other parents feel not so great, and so I didn’t make a fuss.

I also learned to read at around this age too, so I think genetics plays a big part in her abilities. The only difference with me, was that once I got to school, I wasn’t comprehending as well as I was reading. By the time I had my daughter, I was aware that early reading ran this risk, so I made sure to nurture her comprehension as she read new things, so as not to hinder her progress as she got older. Thankfully, her comprehension was never a problem. In kindergarten, when teachers asked her to tell them what happened in a book, she’d say, ‘I don’t know!’, thinking they wanted her to quote the book verbatim. Once I explained to her that they just wanted an idea of what happened in the story in her own words, she was fine.

Of course, being so proud of her new skill, my then four year old did nothing to hide her pride, and rightly so! She would read whatever she saw out loud (including graffiti! *blush*), and soon I had parents criticising me, accusing me of not allowing her to have a childhood. Honestly, it’s not as if she did nothing else but read all day! I was accused of pushing her too hard, being too competitive, of valuing academic achievements over everything else. It still makes me quite angry, because not one of these people doing the judging had ever been into our home, nor witnessed our family life.

The day she turned five was quite funny. I was pregnant, but wanting to test again. I raced into the chemist before our family went out for a special birthday outing. I took my daughter in with me. As I browsed the pregnancy tests, my daughter read the labels of every single condom packet out loud! There was not a dry eye in the shop, as she factually stated: ‘ribbed for her pleasure, ultra sensitive, regular, fruit flavoured…’ and so on. So that was something…

It’s fair to say that I’m quite paranoid and conscious as a result, of not pushing my kids too hard. But there is this nagging part of me that wants my children to know that they can do anything if they work hard enough for it. I want them to know when it’s ok to push themselves. That they should put their best effort into whatever they attempt, no matter what the result, or their own natural ability or lack of ability.

Basically, I want my children to intrinsically want to strive to be their best, for themselves. To learn self discipline, satisfaction, and the value of hard work. I never want to be cruel. And believe me, after that experience with my then four year old, I know what it is to be accused of being a cruel, pushy parent.

Some of you might remember Missy now 10′s success in the spelling bee last year. The highlight for her was being chosen out of the school with one other child, to go on a trip to another school, and be challenged in something she loves doing. Her biggest hope at the moment is that she be asked to do the same again this year.

Seeing how important it is to her, and seeing an opportunity to teach her about goal-setting and self-discipline, I talked to her about things she could do to help her chances. I talked to her about her natural ability in spelling; the fact that she is quite ahead of her peers in this area, with very little effort. I explained that this was an advantage she had, but that other participants in the spelling bee clearly had it too. So we agreed that natural ability is great, but can only get you so far. To rely solely on it leads to cockiness.

I talked to her about how wonderful her spelling is now, but things she could do to become even better. When she came third last year, the word that she got stuck on, which got her ‘out’, was the word, ‘timbre’. As soon as I heard the announcer call it, I knew she wouldn’t get it. It’s simply not a part of her vocabulary, and not something she’d be able to guess easily. So, I encouraged my daughter to do more wide reading. She reads a great deal anyway, but I reminded her that she could borrow as many books at the library as she could read.

Sometimes, Missy 10 just reads the same books at home over and over again. In reading a wider variety, she expands her vocabulary. I find with her, all she needs is to see the written word, and she’s pretty good at remembering the spelling after that. There are two computer/internet games she loves: Mathletics and another Aussie spelling one. (I wish I could remember the name of it, but my daughter’s asleep as I write this. I’ll ask her the name of it, and share it tomorrow.) Both have spelling competitions where she can compete with other kids across the country. She absolutely loves playing these games! So this was my other suggestion: keep practicing on there, too.

I told her that I was proud of her spelling abilities as they are now, already. I am more than happy for her to just keep trying her best at school, and not try to cruise through just because it’s easy for her. But I also told her that if she wanted something desperately enough in life, that she could push herself, work extra hard, and have more chance of making her goals come to light.

So, do I think it’s cruel to push children too hard? Absolutely. But I have no qualms whatsoever with encouraging my children to push themselves hard for things they want in life. I think it’s an important skill to have. My daughter knows that no matter how hard she works, we’ll always insist that she have playtime/downtime. She knows that we will not allow her to beat herself up mentally if she doesn’t achieve perfection. The good news is though, that as time goes on, I think she’s seeing that perfection is an impossible thing to strive for. Over the years, she has put this pressure on herself: she knows she’s smart, so has had trouble understanding why she doesn’t always get what she believes would be a ‘perfect’ result in life.

I’m hell-bent on teaching her that as long as you’ve done your best, that’s all you can do. You may not get the mark you craved, but you can hold your head up with pride that you worked hard and gave an honest effort. Where do you draw the line when it comes to pushing your kids?

Other reading:

Emotional development – how to help children to talk about feelings

Learn by doing – laundry

Ten activities that enhance under fives’ language skills

Emotional development – initiative

Reflective listening

Students’ homework: how much should we help?

Dealing with anger in children

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Quiet Time With Caterpillars

Written on February 5th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Cognitive, Experiences, February 2011, Language, Preschool aged, School aged, Toddler

Ok, I know it’s really hard to see the caterpillars in this jar. But I promise you, there’s loads of the buggers in there. I should know. I was sitting outside, trying to enjoy a quiet cup of dandelion tea away from the chaos inside, when they were climbing all over my legs.

I went back inside, to face the noise and arguments of my two younger children. It was afternoon, they’d played everything, done everything, and were at a loose end. I racked my brains as to what I could get them to do that would get them engrossed, happy and above all, quiet. Preferably for a long time. And aside from waiting until we get our own chooks to eat up all the caterpillars, how the hell was I going to get rid of them? Normally they don’t bother me, but there were so many of them and they were becoming a nuisance.

Sometimes, two problems come together to form a solution when you’re a mum, don’t they? I scooped as many caterpillars into a jar with some grass as I could. I plonked it on the table inside and told the kids to look at it. Was there ever a simpler way to keep kids quiet for a cranky mum than this?

They looked at it for ages. They were so excited! They talked about the colour of the caterpillars, about what they like to eat, how they turn into butterflies. Missy 10 is handy to have around at times like this, as she stores so much animal trivia in her head! She told them that some butterflies like to eat their cocoon, that some caterpillars shoot out poison and it can sting and make you itchy (spitfires).

Once they lost interest, I emptied the jar back into the yard, but thankfully, further away from our house where they were bothering me. They haven’t been back. It’s amazing how things just sort themselves out somedays, isn’t it?

Other reading:

Sibling rivalry solutions

Motherhood: cinch or sentence?

Learning through everyday play

Teaching kindness to animals

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

Evening adventure

Keepin’ it real

Slow down

Finding the time to do it all – time saving tips

Ten ‘clean’ craft ideas your kids will love

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Coloured Window Art

Written on February 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Art, Cognitive, Craft, Experiences, February 2011, Fine motor, Preschool aged, Toddler

I love doing coloured window art with young kids. It’s easy, yet something out of the ordinary for them. I find it holds their interest for ages. As you can see, all I’ve done is cut up some collage-type materials for the children; today it was fabric scraps. Other times, I’ve given the children flattened cup cake cases, confetti from the hole punch, chopped wool scraps, chopped streamers, basically whatever I’ve had lying around. It’s also important to make sure nothing would be a choking hazard for your kids. I’m lucky in that my kids are past the stage of putting craft/art items in their mouths, but if you know yours will (it’s the under 3′s we need to be careful with, generally), simply use bigger, safer pieces and supervise.

Then, I provide the kids with a sheet of clear contact with the adhesive side facing upward. I turn each corner underneath to stick it to the table. Now all the kids need to is to stick their collage pieces on to their hearts’ content. Once they finished each masterpiece, I stuck it to the window for them.

…Until the kids decided to do it for themselves.

I love that this is an open-ended activity that doesn’t add any pressure to look like anything in particular. However, if you keep the backing sheet from the contact you’ve cut for your child, you can stick the finished piece back onto the backing paper. This lets a child take their art work home, or give it to their grandparents as a very special gift. Once it’s in its new home, it can still be proudly displayed on a window.

This is a great time of year to be doing this activity too, because I find after doing back to school shopping, I have loads of contact to spare.

Other reading:

The useful box

Kids’ craft: lacing

Kids craft ideas for non-crafty mums

Art for children who hate mess

Our art gallery

Canvas painting for kids

Playdough, homemade

Flower play

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Childhood regression

Written on January 30th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, Preschool aged, School aged, Social, Toddler

Has your potty-trained child ever started to suddenly struggle with their toileting? Have you ever had a four year old start throwing tantrums all over again, right when you thought you were past all that? Has your preschooler ever suddenly become clingy to you, almost wanting to be ‘babied’ by you? You’re not alone, and it’s perfectly normal.

When a child regresses in their behaviour or in their development, it can really freak us parents out! We just get comfortable after our child becomes more competent at new skills, they become more independent and we look forward to just a little bit of smooth sailing for a little while. Then this happens! We sometimes worry where we’ve gone wrong, did we miss something?

Mr 4 has been regressing in a lot of areas lately at home. He’s gone ‘backwards’ in his potty training, is becoming more clingy towards me, has started having the occasional (but explosive!) tantrum here and there and generally seeks out situations where he can be ‘babied’ by me. He also tries to create situations to get more attention from me after he’s gone to bed than usual.

Usually when our children start acting out of character in different ways all at once, it’s enough to trigger most parents into realising that something’s awry. We have an instinct for a reason, and when our child shows regressive behaviour, it’s time to listen to that instinct.

What can cause regression in a child?

This list is not exhaustive, but there are many situations that can cause a child to regress:

- Death of a family member, friend or pet

- Divorce or separation

- Moving to a new home

- A sick parent/guardian or sibling

- When a parent/guardian starts a new job

- Starting a new childcare centre/preschool/school

- Being bullied at school

- Pregnancy/the birth of a new sibling

- Unrest in the household (for example, parents arguing frequently, domestic violence, etc)

- Sometimes, as a child gains a lot of independence, it can lead to feelings of insecurity of not being the baby anymore.

….and the list goes on.

As a parent, in most cases, you’d be aware of your child’s situation, except for bullying (but we can probe for that!). When you scan this list, I’m sure you’ll have noticed that there is a common thread in most of these causes: change. To begin to understand your child’s regression, looking for major changes in your child’s life is a great place to start.

With Mr 4, we pinpointed his regression as being related to his father’s recent stint in hospital again, along with the knowledge that my partner will be going back to hospital again soon. Another significant aspect of our home life for us to consider was the fact that everyday, my son watches me care for my partner, helping him with his medicine and tasks he finds difficult. Also, because my partner has severe OCD, our sons sees his dad have meltdowns, and me talking him down from it.

Mr 4 has a two year old sister who’s begun potty training, and despite her constant fights for independence, needs more help from me generally than he does. Honestly, is it any wonder he’s reacting this way? Having talked to him about this, he feels that help or care, is equivalent to love. In his eyes, the person getting the most help, is getting the most love. Simply put, he wants a piece of the pie!

During our talk, I let him know that he can have love from me anytime he wants. He doesn’t have to have a ‘need’ for me to do something for him. Anytime he wants to, he can ask me for a kiss, or a cuddle. I can put aside time during the day to play with him, or he can hang out with me while I’m doing other things. When he’s my helper, that’s special time together too.

Most importantly, I made it clear to him that Missy 2 isn’t always going to be so needy. She’s potty training, and soon will be able to go to the toilet by herself, without any help from me. He realises now that she’s doing more and more things for herself everyday, so that makes him feel a little better. I drew his attention to the fact that as I help his dad, I’m working on helping him to be able to more things for himself, too, and that he’s slowly getting better.

I’m finding in the past week or two, he’s still quite fragile about things, but instead of reverting to regressive behaviour, is taking advantage of those other ways we talked about for him and I to spend time together. We spent one afternoon with him making a ‘parcel’ from the postie, over and over again. He simply got a box, filled it with different toys, and delivered it to me with a grin: ‘I’ve got a parcel for you!’ Then I would admire all the wonderful ‘surprises’ he’d given me. He chats with me, does chores with me, watches me do things, and asks me for lots and lots of cuddles!

Does this mean I wasn’t available or providing opportunities for this to happen before this happened? Of course not! It’s just that he hadn’t made the distinction that I was there for him as well, it’s just that he didn’t need the same sort of help that his sister and dad needed. That the love and time I give him usually, counts in just the same way.

The other thing that I’m doing to deal with this, is I’m giving him lots of opportunities to talk about his fears, worries and feelings in general. Basically, I find that when my children have regressed, after I find out the cause, I talk with them about it as well as try to replace this new behaviour with something a little healthier. I’ve not had the need yet for my children to ever have counselling over any big changes in their lives, but if I felt it was needed, I’d provide it in a heartbeat.

I’d love to hear everyone else’s tips on how they deal with their children’s regressive times in life.

Other reading:
Finding the source of your child’s anger

Emotional development – how to help children talk about feelings

Reflective listening

Regressive behaviour in children

4 Comments -

Letting your child witness birth: is it immoral?

Written on January 28th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Baby, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, School aged, Social

I follow many facebook ‘like’ pages, and one conversation that appeared in my feed inspired me to write today. It was at Designer Mama’s page. The question was raised about whether or not it was appropriate for children to witness the birth of their siblings. As a mother who has allowed this, obviously I have strong opinions about this.

This photo was taken minutes after I cleaned up after giving birth to my son. As you can see, my eldest daughter was right there with us, looking happy and unscathed.

There was quite a bit of negative discussion on this facebook page about this topic (including questioning the morals of mums who do this), so I felt moved to share our story. I also knew that sharing on the facebook page would not give me enough space to express my feelings fully.

When I fell pregnant with my second child, my eldest daughter was five years old. She already had three step siblings who don’t live with us, and was so excited that I was having a baby. This would be a new brother or sister for her that would be raised with her! More importantly to her, she was going to finally be a big sister.

In the first five months of my pregnancy, my daughter was being homeschooled at the time. She was attending all of my appointments at the birthing centre with me. It’s important to point out here, that by this time, she had asked me how the baby would come out, and had been told all about vaginal birth. We told her that’s how she was born, and probably this next child would be born that way, too. We also had already told her about c section births as well, that some mothers need that option when vaginal birth doesn’t work out for them.

One day, my daughter said to me, ‘am I going to be left at home alone when you go to the hospital to have the baby?’ We told her, of course not! We would make sure someone would look after her. She then asked me if she could come to the hospital to watch the baby’s birth. My partner and I told her we needed to talk about that idea first, then we’d get back to her.

Now, this wasn’t a first for my partner. He had been married before, and his then wife had an emergency home birth (in other words, not by choice) and their eldest child witnessed the whole thing (he was four years old at the time), also not by choice. Everything happened so quickly, there was no time to find something else for him to do.

My partner’s eldest son from his first marriage handled the situation quite well, and as children, he and his sister had a very good bond with one another. So, we knew it could work, and saw the positives. My partner and I were still worried, though. Just because one child handles a situation well, doesn’t mean all children will. We wanted, like all parents, to protect our child from any unnecessary trauma.

We laid down some ground rules. We told our daughter that she could come to the birth, but only if she was prepared to do certain things first.

1) If she watched some birthing dvds beforehand and still felt fine about coming, she could come. If she wasn’t prepared to watch the dvds, then we believed that she wasn’t ready for witnessing our birth, either. We didn’t force her to watch the dvds, but not watching them would mean she’d need to stay at home with a sitter. We felt this was more than fair, and so did our daughter. We wanted her to have some insight into what she could expect to happen. We told her if she changed her mind at any time and didn’t want to go, that was fine.

2) We gave her lots of books to read about giving birth. These were picture books, and were very informative for her.

3) If she was scared during the birth at any time, she could leave the room.

4) We would have a babysitter attend the birth to look after her.

The midwives at the birthing centre were very supportive of our choice to let our daughter attend the birth. They loaned me dozens of birthing dvds (we chose dvds that mostly featured water birth, as that was my plan for this birth) and books for my daughter to read. We discussed all material that our daughter read or watched at great length. We continually asked her if she wanted to change her mind, and made it clear it was ok to do that. She was adamant. She did not want to miss this birth for the world! I think it’s important to mention here that my eldest daughter is obsessed with science and has always been this way. She is naturally very inquisitive, to the point where she will gladly witness something quite revolting in the name of science!

Given that my first birth had been a 12 hour birth (but had a lot of intervention), my partner and I gave plenty of thought to how our five year old daughter would spend her time during the birth. I was shown the birthing centre room, there was a lounge suite with a tv and dvd player, a double bed and a bathroom. We let her pack a bag of things she’d like to do, and told her she could also watch tv, sleep or go play outside with an adult if she got bored or tired. The birthing centre also had a kitchenette, and my daughter and partner enjoyed some raisin toast in the first hour of my birth.

At one appointment, my daughter and I were walking past the hospital kiosk, when she noticed the ‘it’s a boy!’ and ‘it’s a girl!’ balloons for sale. She thought these were the most wonderful idea! We promised her that when the baby was born, it’d be her job to go to the kiosk with dad to choose one for the baby, and Dad would buy it. Now she she was really psyched.

I won’t recount the entire birth here, as I’ve already shared my birthing stories as much as I intend to. But I will share here what’s relevant to the topic. On the day my waters broke, it was quite early in the morning. The sun was just coming up. We woke our daughter, and hot-footed it to the hospital. That’s why my daughter looks quite bedraggled in the photo above, because she’d just gotten out of bed a few hours ago, and thrown on the first clothes she found!

We ended up abandoning our idea of bringing in a babysitter, as we felt we didn’t have enough time to make arrangements and get me to hospital. As it turned out, the whole thing was over pretty quickly.

Plan B without a babysitter was that my partner would take care of her during the birth. This worked very well for us, because this was a nice, easy birth. It was a short birth, so our worries about our daughter getting bored went out the window. She stayed to watch the whole thing. The biggest problem she had, was that because I was water birthing, she wanted to get closer to the action to see what was going on! But never mind…

After my son was born, he floated under water for a little while, then the midwife asked me to pick him up out of the water. As I carefully did this, I heard my girl shrieking, ‘oh, he’s so cute!’ For all the pain I’d just gone through, my five year old daughter helped to reinforce that this whole birth was a joyful time. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited, holding my new baby boy in my arms, but I love the fact that my daughter’s presence just made the whole experience so much more blissful.

Her and my partner ended up like two silly, excited little kids together! It was so funny. They went to buy the balloon as I cleaned up, and I think my daughter loved that ‘it’s a boy!’ balloon more than our son.

We made sure to give our daughter plenty of chances to talk about the birth afterward, and mostly her memories from it are how cute her brother looked, and the funny sound he made soon after. Another mum friend from my daughter’s school told me that her daughter found out from my girl, that babies come out of the mother’s vagina. She said she was a bit miffed, but then she joked that, ‘oh well, you’ve saved me the awkwardness of having to tell her!’

I have found that with such a wide age gap, my daughter who is now ten, and my son who is now four, have an extremely tight bond. I’m so relieved, because when my daughter found out I was having a boy (via ultrasound), she was sorely disappointed. Those first few weeks were obviously hard for my daughter to adjust to not being the only child in this house anymore. However, I feel that having witnessed the birth, she was more compassionate towards me. I tried to give her as much attention as I could (which is always a challenge with a newborn), but she was very understanding of how tired and sore I was because she was there to see why.

I like knowing that when she gets to the age that her peers are having sex, she will have the awareness that sex is not a decision to take lightly. Pregnancy is not something to take lightly. And although I’ve let her witness that birth is a painful thing, I’m so glad that her first exposure to child birth was a positive, relaxed one.

Once I fell pregnant with our third child, of course we asked her again if she’d like to be at the birth. Early on, she wanted to. We had decided that our son, who would be two months shy of two years old, shouldn’t be at the birth. We toyed with the idea of having him there with a babysitter, but it just didn’t feel right. We organised a babysitter for our son at home during the birth, and once our eldest daughter found out about it, she didn’t want to miss out on whatever fun our son was having, so she decided to stay home too.

The birth of our last child was much tougher than our son’s. I’m so glad my children weren’t there for it. I went to the hospital in the morning and stayed there the whole day with nothing happening. By the afternoon, I was induced, but nothing really happened until the evening. The birth itself took six hours. I had complications; labour wasn’t progressing for a while, my daughter had her umbilical cord strangling her, and for a short while, it looked like I was going to need an emergency c section. Thankfully, I didn’t.

I think my children would not have handled the lengthy process of this. I don’t think they would’ve handled the fact that we had to move from the birthing centre to the delivery suite. The facilities in the delivery suite were dreadful for children, and I was having severe anxiety about being there myself, due to a bad experience last time I gave birth there (with my first child).

Do I believe all children should witness childbirth? No. I don’t believe children should ever be forced to be present at a birth against their wishes. I believe sometimes it happens by accident, and I’d imagine parents would have to deal with any repercussions afterward. Do I believe that parents who choose to allow their children at a birth are immoral? Of course not!

The only advice I’d give to anyone thinking of this (who actually wants advice, of course!), is to think about your potential for complications. Think about your child’s personality. If you’re planning this, prepare them, arm them with knowledge. Make sure you talk to them after the birth. Also, as a mother, ask yourself how it will affect you. If you think it’d be too distracting, that’s important to consider. My daughter at one stage when I was on all fours in agony, asked me for more raisin toast! I said, ‘ah, I’m kind of busy right now, babe…’ thankfully, my partner stepped in and got it for her! Because it was an easier birth, these distractions were, well, distracting, but not a problem for me at all. If any of my kids had distracted me during my last birth, they may have gotten their heads bitten off.

I asked my daughter today, now that she’s ten, how she feels about having been at the birth of her brother. She said, ‘man, that was a long time ago.’ I asked her if it was scary, gross, etc. She said, ‘it was a bit gross’. I asked her if she wishes she hadn’t gone to it, or if she’s glad. She told me she’s glad she went. I asked her how she feels about giving birth one day herself. She shrugged and said, ‘I really don’t know. I don’t think about it.’

Of course, now I’d like to hear from others. Have you ever allowed your child to be present at any of your births? Would you? How do you feel about it?

Other reading:

Sibling rivalry solutions

Birth stories:

Remembering the birth of my son

She’s all grown up..

My eldest daughter is 10!

Emotional development – initiative

20 Comments -

Helping Kids to Make Choices

Written on January 21st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Cognitive, Emotional, Experiences, January 2011, Language, Preschool aged, School aged, Social

My two year old daughter and four year old son stress me out all day long. It’s true. They’re both at the age where they are fighting for autonomy and trying to be ‘big’ and helpful. This is fine and dandy, but it can get to the stage where every little thing becomes a power struggle. All developmentally normal behaviour, but terribly draining. What kids this age are really fighting for, is just a chance be heard. To have a say, make a choice.

When was the last time someone demanded you do something, without giving you a choice? Ok, yeah yeah. If you’ve got under fives, it’s everyday, I know! Let’s be more specific. When was the last time an adult demanded something of you? How did you like it? Our kids are no different! And even though Missy 10 is obviously more emotionally mature than her siblings, it’s still important to her, too. As she journeys further through puberty, this need will become more prevalent than ever before.

What if I told you that giving your kids more choices would save you time? Result in happier, more co-operative children? Children more keen to listen to reason? When a child encounters an adult who allows them choices, they are more respectful towards that adult, and receptive to them.

But my three year old can’t handle choices, you say! Everyday, she stares into her wardrobe, pulls all the clothes out and can’t decide what she wants. The idea is to start with choices they can handle, and over time, they’ll be capable of more and more.

The green or the blue?

I don’t give my two children under five a choice out of twenty things. For example, if I’m getting them dressed, I offer two suitable outfits per child, and ask them, ‘which one would you like to wear today?’ This is a simple choice for them to make, it’s not overwhelming, and they can walk away from the experience feeling empowered and important.

Take turns at choosing

It can be challenging when you have two little ones who both want to make a choice about what they’re doing together and disagree. This is just priceless. Two kids throwing a tantrum, because they both just want what they want. Yay. If we’re having tv time, we try to make sure everyone gets a turn to choose. So, Mr 4 will yell out, ‘I want to watch Thomas!’ But the answer will be, ‘no, you chose the dvd last time, now it’s Missy 2′s turn to choose’. Yes, there is some sulking, but because the kids are used to being given turns, they accept it and know their turn will come. It’s important for kids to learn that there are others in the family too, and everyone matters. This teaches them respect for others.

It also makes it easier for them to accept if mum or dad wants to watch their own show. Yes, mums and dads matter too! Some families let their members take turns at who chooses what is for dinner each night. I want to do this, but I’m just not that organised right now! If you can do it though, go for it. It cuts out a lot of complaining about food dislikes. It guarantees that every night, at least someone will like the meal.

Let them choose parts of the daily routine

Kids under five often really get their knickers in a knot when they want to do something themselves. Missy 2 is potty training at the moment. She loves it. However, she was screaming every time she had an accident. Of course, I told her it was ok, but she kept screaming. I couldn’t make out what she was saying. We eventually deciphered that she wanted to be the one to put her undies in the laundry to be washed! This reiterates what I was talking about with tantrums caused by lack of language.

So now, Missy 2, feeling empowered by this new sense of autonomy, insists on always putting her undies in the laundry and walking with me to get a clean pair. As we walk back, she’ll say, ‘come on, Mummy!’ It’s very cute, but she really feels she’s the boss of that moment. I don’t give my kids full reign over all of our routines, but if their days are punctuated by moments like this, it makes their days more joyful. I think it’s nice when everyone in the family gets some say in the daily routine of the household.

All of our kids have created their own bed time rituals too. We still have some shockers of nights. Tonight was a good example of one of those, but I think that had more to do with the fact that all three knew I was planning to write this post! We let the kids choose what they’d like to take to bed, what song they’d like us to sing, etc. They all have different needs.

Missy 2′s are simple. I want to go to bed. She likes picking a flower to take to bed, but at the moment the flower bushes are too bare! But she likes to go to bed, where her pretty flower sheets and butterfly curtains are, that her mum made. She usually picks out a few toys to snuggle with.

Mr 4 needs comforting, as he’s at the age of nightmares, and an overactive imagination. So, as a result, his routine has evolved into a quiet cuddle and a chat about anything that’s worrying him. He’s also been a bit more clingy, because his dad’s been in and out of hospital over the years and will be going back again soon.

Missy 10 likes to read before bed. We mostly let her, unless it’s getting too late. She likes to fill up her water bottle to take to her room, clear her toys off her bed, and she has her bed toys and blankets set up a certain way. She always asks if the puppies can come in to ‘say goodnight’, and if they’re agreeable, we allow it. Sometimes they end up falling asleep snuggling her!

More rope as they get older

As Missy 10 embarks on adolescence, she approaches a time where kids have a biological need to break away from their parents. It’s at this stage, they are subconsciously preparing for adulthood, the big, bad world. As terrifying as this is for us parents, it’s important to not suddenly revoke all choices from them in fear! Can you imagine the rebellion?

I’m finding that our daughter is happy to respect our wishes (rules), if we give her choices within that. So, she can choose the movie we go to see, sometimes, but it has to be something we feel is appropriate. We also try to help her understand the reasoning behind it. Usually, it’s along the lines of, ‘that one’s a bit too adult sweety, but in a couple of years, you’ll love it!’, ‘this one is pretty scary’, or ‘that one’s a bit too rude for kids your age’. We all agree that these are good reasons, so it works out. Because she’s been told she’s getting closer to being able to watch more mature things soon, it’s given her something to look forward to.

It’ll be interesting to see how this all pans out once she’s a teen, huh?

What choices have your kids been making lately?

Other reading:

Sibling rivalry solutions

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – will you let your child see the movie?