1 ) Kids are tougher than you think.
After giving birth to a premature child ten years ago, and watching her smash her head repeatedly against the coffee table as she learned to stand up, I realised that although our kids are constantly bumping and bruising themselves, they rarely break.
2 ) I am tougher than I thought.
Having given birth three times, walked everywhere through three pregnancies and gone through (still going through with the last one!) three tantrum phases, I’ve learned that I rarely break. I think I will more often than I actually do.
3 ) It’s not always the parents’ fault.
When I became a parent, let’s say in the first six years, I honestly believed two things: if something bad happens to your child, it’s your fault for not watching/supervising them closely enough. If your child misbehaves or is rude, it’s the parents’ fault for not raising them properly.
Time has reminded that which was taught to me in my child studies days: children are individuals. Time has taught me that you can watch your kids as closely as you like; sometimes they will wait until the split second when you’re not looking, jump from one bed to the other, encourage their little sister to do the same, who will then land face down on the frame of the bed, slicing and detaching her lip apart from her gums, needing a trip to the emergency ward. All done two metres behind their parent’s back.
Time has taught me that you can drum manners into your child, but when they aren’t with you, they will test their boundaries with regards to manners and rudeness with other people. They will say and do things they wouldn’t dream of saying in your presence, because they know what will happen. They don’t know what will happen if they try it with a teacher or another parent, so they’ll try being rude around others to see what will happen.
Time has taught me that despite what I’ve taught my children, life happens. People get sick, families go through crises. Children experience stress, and this shapes their personalities, their responses to things, the way they cope. As they learn to cope with stress, they may make mistakes, and I have learned that this is no reflection on a child’s parenting.
4 ) It doesn’t matter what other parents think of my parenting, unless it affects them or their children directly.
I used to get upset when other parents would judge me, as a first time mother. I hated being judged for ending breastfeeding my eldest daughter when she was two weeks old. People, who didn’t know the reasons why I made that choice (and to me, they were the right reasons), or how devastated I was to do so. It hurt so much to have people openly tell me that I mustn’t care very much about my daughter’s health and well-being. To tell me that I didn’t try hard enough, or that I was selfish.
If someone were to say that to me now, I wouldn’t care what they think. I think, if anything, I just think less of the person for doing that now, and feel sorry for them. If you now had an opinion about my choices and it doesn’t affect you, I no longer care to hear it.
I do care, however, if my choices, my parenting, my children’s behaviour is affecting other people. I care if my kids damage your belongings when I visit your home. I care if my child hurts your child. If my child’s behaviour does affect you, I do want to hear it, so I can act on it and try to make things right.
5 ) The majority of the Aussie population thinks it’s cruel to not celebrate xmas and easter or to tell your kids santa, easter bunny, and the tooth fairy are not real.
Refer to point 4.
6 ) Many people believe that atheist children are empty vessels waiting to be filled with religon.
Refer to point 4 and back the hell off.
7 ) Contrary to what my child studies classes taught me, it’s ok to say no to your kids.
Sure, it’s not great for every second word that comes out of my mouth to be ‘no’, but saying it occasionally will not damage my kids, in fact, they’ll be better people for it. When they go to school, or get their first job, hear someone else say no, they will cope.
8 ) Praise is good in moderation.
I was taught in my child studies to give lots of praise. On the internet, there’s a gazillion articles explaining why we shouldn’t praise our children. As a mum, I feel that it’s my job to let my kids know that I believe in them. I like knowing that my kids will be able to come home after working a long day at school to parents who have something nice to say to them. Who like something about them.
I like knowing that my kids can attempt and complete tasks without a constant need for approval.
9 ) You really can raise kids without smacking them, and still discipline them.
I’ve been warned over the years that my children will be juvenile delinquents because I refuse to smack them. Touch wood, this hasn’t been the case yet. I’ve been told that children who don’t get smacked are wild, horribly feral children and the cause of the decay of society. I’m honestly just not finding that to be the case, so far.
10 ) Most problems can be dealt with if you can encourage your kids to talk to you about anything.
Half the battle is convincing kids to talk to us about what is on their mind, what motivates them, what worries them. I believe that when a child takes this leap of faith, it should be rewarded with kindness. So far, it’s been my experience that if we can be kind when our child opens up to us, then they are highly likely to do it when they really need to but might not want to.
11 ) Love doesn’t divide when you have more than one child, it multiplies
You don’t break your love in half when you have a second child, or in thirds when you have a third. You double it, then triple it.
12 ) I really have a foul temper when someone messes with my kid.
I think they call this the ‘mama bear’ instinct.
13 ) A strong bond and closeness between mother and child is something worth striving for, always.
14 ) The most important (and gut wrenching) job we’ll do is to teach our children how to break away from us.
15 ) The teenage years frighten the living crap out of me.
16 ) The best present we can give our kids is our presence.
No matter how obsessed kids seem to be with the latest toy or goodie, the thing they want most is their parents’ time and love.
17 ) There are standards, then there is reality.
I care about my kids’ nutrition. But it is ok to feed my kids less than perfectly healthy food now and then. I prefer they don’t watch too much telly. But I’m ok with it if I think it’ll make a hard day easier on all of us, now and then. I never realised before becoming a mum that occasionally my standards would have to momentarily drop, and that’s ok.
18 ) I’m not a helicopter parent, and I’m not a free-range parent.
I like spending time with my kids. I like leaving them to play on their own or with each other, with me stepping back. I like teaching them the skills needed before I give them the independence. That’s what works for us in our family.
19 ) It’s not a contest.
No one cares that you grew the fattest baby, or fed them the most organic food. No one cares if you breastfed the longest, or had the most natural birth. No one cares how early your kid walked or potty trained. Most people are just happy to see children well loved and well looked after, in whatever form that takes.
Oh, and better yet; your own kid won’t care about any of these things, either.
20 ) Motherhood is the wildest ride there is.
…and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I’m sure I’ve left something out, so I hope you’ll share yours too.
