Behaviour | Hear Mum Roar

Category Archives: Behaviour

Influential sex-talk without the “blah, blah, blah…”

Written on May 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Care, Challenges, Emotional, May 2011, Parenting, Relationships, Social, Teens

This is a guest post from Liz Walker on an important topic for parents of teens, or even tweens.

Despite loud protests of “I’m going to do things better!” how are we fairing? Often the awkward moments with our parents discussing sex (or not discussing it at all) come rushing back to haunt us. The fears of “What does my child already know?”, “What if I tell them too much!” and “How can I keep the lines of communication open?” seem to churn through our mind like a washing machine spinning out of balance. As parents, the last thing we want to ponder is “how did our kids go from ‘cute and innocent’ to ‘got-it-all-together expert’ overnight?”

The difference between when we were kids and now is not too hard to see, however many of us have become desensitised to what has actually happened over the last 40 years. The web has completely rebooted the world. For instance, ‘Amazon’ has changed the way we shop; ‘EBay’ has changed the way we sell; ‘Google’ has changed the way we find information; ‘YouTube’ has changed the way we share experiences; ‘blogging’ has changed the way we share our thoughts and ‘Facebook’ has changed the way we relate to each other. Technology has shifted culture.

Gen X (parents of teens) were introduced to and wowed by technology… Gen Y has experienced and expect exponential advance… Gen Z (our kids) believe technology just ‘is’. Gen Z have never known life without the vast array of superefficient, ever advancing, ‘simple to use’ and ‘couldn’t live without’ technology. A great deal of technology is incredibly beneficial; however there are some pitfalls we need to be aware of when raising healthy teens to make smart choices about sex.

In dealing with the downside of media and technology, ask yourself a couple of questions. What messages has your child picked up about their worth? When they watch music clips, what are they being told about how they dress? When they hear another report on the news about rape, what message are they receiving about the value placed on another human being? When they see advertisements with men and women presented as sex symbols, how can parents effectively tell them about the beautiful gift of sexuality and intimacy?

These are messages no one can escape, so use them as learning points with your kids. Recently my youngest was watching music clips, usually listened to on her radio, but the imagery adds a whole other level of meaning. Bumping and grinding with minimal clothes is a soft porn message I don’t want her to absorb. So I asked her how it made her feel. “Uncomfortable”. This was the perfect opportunity to suggest that if it makes her feel yucky on the inside, it was up to her to switch it off. She needs to develop strategies to recognise unhealthy viewing.

The influence of pornography on Gen Z is far-reaching. If we want to raise sons and daughters who have a healthy respect for themselves, others and sexuality, we need to be discussing sex topics. The biggest concern I hear from parents is they are worried about telling their kids too much too soon. I say, take a deep breath and dive right in. It’s far better to tell them in age appropriate increments and allow them to ask questions, than have their first knowledge of sex come from an episode of the latest sitcom or a flash encounter with an adult-only site.

In a healthy safe environment, kids take in what they are ready for. If it’s too much information, just like an overdose of vitamins, they won’t absorb it. However viewing inappropriate visual images leaves a biochemical imprint on the brain, so they need a safe place to come and discuss if this occurs. It’s important you have firmly established yourself as a reliable authority on sexuality prior to teenage years, when both peers and porn culture have the potential to become the dominating voice.

Parents have more power than what they give themselves credit for. A recent survey indicated that eight out of ten teens say it would be much easier to delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents. And six in ten teens wish they were able to talk more openly about relationships with their parents. You can preserve the emotional and physical wellbeing of your teen by talking to them about what it takes to recognize, develop, and maintain a healthy relationship.

On the flip side, if the only message teens receive about sex is from peers or media (which places no importance on intimacy or sexual wellbeing) they have the potential to engage in early sexual activity, have more sexual partners, be at greater risk for STIs and engage in other high risk behaviours such as taking drugs and binge drinking.

Use every-day opportunities for learning experiences, such as advertisements on the back of toilet doors. Ask your teen if they know the facts about chlamydia or human papilloma virus (and be sure you know the answers before you ask.) It’s imperative our young people are aware of sexually transmitted infections, contraceptive use and screening. Since the sexual revolution in the sixties, STIs have skyrocketed from 1 in 50 sexually active people contracting an STI to now 1 in 4. It turns out our youth aren’t bullet proof, with around 70% of STI cases in the 15 – 24 year old age bracket. Some of these are viral and remain for life; others are treatable with antibiotics yet can leave a young person infertile if undetected.

Talk about sex when the learning opportunity presents and give them space to ask questions. It doesn’t have to be a full on discussion. Give bite-sized pieces which leave them keen to come back for more. Flipping out over something ‘shocking’ is a sure way to close the door on further conversations, so be mindful of any personal hang-ups which may need to be addressed in order for you to be more effective.

Keep a watchful eye on any boyfriend / girlfriend break-ups and how it makes them feel. It might seem like harmless ‘puppy love’, but emotional baggage can sometimes lead to feelings of depression and worthlessness. It’s important to reassure your teen of how valuable they are as an individual and to offer support, regardless of what they are going through.

In amongst all this, aim to be the loudest voice in your teens life without being the “blah, blah, blah”. Talking about how beautiful sex can be in an intimate relationship gives them an appreciation of its value.

Despite common myths, young people don’t run out and have sex when it’s discussed in a healthy learning environment. If teens know sex holds incredible value in creating a loving and trusting bond within a committed relationship, they are more likely to wait for emotional and cognitive maturity before participating in this important life decision.

Liz Walker is an author, speaker and graduate student in Sexual Health through Sydney University. The work she does with youth include educational presentations on sexuality for both teens and parents; and training community members such as youth support workers, teachers and suitably qualified volunteers to implement GET A GRIP teenz™: a self-awareness & educational program on life, relationships and the body. Liz blogs on teen sexual health and relationships at http://girlzfreedom.wordpress.com/ and information about the GET A GRIP Youth Wellbeing Project can be found at www.getagripteenz.com

You can follow her on twitter here: http://twitter.com/GirlzFreedom

Pin It

1 Comment -

Consequences of Anger

Written on February 13th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, February 2011, Parenting

In my last post of the anger in children series, I talked about mine and my families’ definition of what harmful expressions of anger are. Now, I’m talking about challenging our kids to consider the consequences of their anger. Obviously, children are individual people with little experience in stopping themselves from doing harm. Chances are they will act out inappropriately many, many times before they master the skill of managing their anger.

Although I discuss the moral reasons for harming others with my kids, morality is not a primary motivator for young children yet. Until they get to that point, I reinforce moral reasoning but also give consequences for both productive and unproductive behaviour. This motivates the child to try harder to be more civil. It establishes good habits and reinforces the rules. (I’m not necessarily talking about run-of-the-mill tantrums here. Although these ideas can help with that, too)

Motivating a child with consequences helps kids to feel good about doing the right thing and more willing to try to behave more appropriately next time. I believe hitting and doing other harmful things in anger does make them feel better in the short term. However, I also feel kids get frightened when they lose control and of the rage they’re feeling. They get torn between their anger and the ones they love. Deep down, they feel regret and may not like themselves much afterward. Having motivation to behave appropriately can set them free from these self-destructive feelings.

Time out as a consequence

I know time out isn’t popular with everyone, but I believe it has its place. When a child puts others in danger, I put them in time out to protect the other people being subject to it. It’s easy to talk about what time-out does for a child’s self esteem and such, but if others are being put in danger, I don’t give a flying fart. That child’s self esteem takes a back seat to the safety of others. I’ve had my kids become so enraged that they’ve thrown heavy items at others, or worse, hit others with them. I refuse to let the situation escalate to a point where someone ends up in hospital, if I can help it.

I’ve mentioned before that my son is at this stage of his anger, lately. We have a gate on our bedroom, with only our bed and bed linen in there. If he’s dangerously mad, I place him on the bed in there. Sometimes I talk to him in there and if he tries to hit me, I stand out of his striking distance. We talk if he’s willing. If my presence makes him madder, I leave him on his own until he’s calmed down a little. I find time alone is helpful to the child, sometimes. With no-one to make them angrier, they can mull things over.

Removal of privileges

This one’s self explanatory; take away something they value for a short time as a consequence of harmful actions.

Making amends

I mentioned this idea in the last post also. I think it’s important that kids be encouraged to be proactive in trying to ‘make things right’ again. Saying sorry is great, but sometimes children come up with more creative ideas. I believe it’s important to make amends in order for the child to take responsibility and ownership of their actions.

Talk with children about how their actions affect others besides themselves

This is where we bring in a little more moral reasoning, which is important for children to be exposed to. Some examples of consequences we might talk about with kids:

- People getting hurt

- Things getting broken.

- Being a role model. I explain to my older children that their actions, positive or not, serve as a way of teaching younger siblings how to behave. If we role model nice behaviour, our younger siblings will copy this and we can teach them right from wrong. Likewise, if we aren’t a good role model, they will copy this too. I also point out here that their younger sibling will probably direct this copied behaviour, right or wrong, at them.

- The idea that when we lose control of our anger, we rarely get what we wanted, if ever.

- If children try hard to manage their anger, they will be praised, or perhaps rewarded in some way.

What about grown-ups?

If there’s one thing kids hate more than anything, it’s being told what to do by grown-ups. In their eyes, we have it so easy and don’t have to be held accountable to anyone for our actions. It helps kids immensely to learn that we are just as accountable for our actions, if not more. It also opens their eyes as to how the real world works, and what they are preparing for in all of this. I like to talk about consequences grown ups face if they let their anger become harmful in the following ways:

- People won’t be their friend.

- They could go to jail for assault.

- They could lose their job.

- They might have to pay money to replace/repair items they damaged.

A consequence of not letting it out

This consequence is, I think, too complex to be discussing with young children, but I think it’s important for us as parents to reflect upon. When people suppress their anger most of the time, (or other emotions) it becomes a painful existence. Sometimes the pain becomes so unbearable that teens and adults may turn to drugs or self-harm to try to numb the pain. This is one consequence that is constantly in the back of my thoughts, reminding me to let my children express their pain. They need to be encouraged to feel it, and know they can and do survive it.

Do you challenge your children to think about the consequences of their anger?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Finding the source of your child’s anger

Healthy ways children can express their anger

Ground rules for anger

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

How do I stop tantrums?

Pin It

6 Comments -

Ground Rules For Anger

Written on February 13th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, February 2011, Parenting

Here’s part four of my anger in children series as promised. I’m enjoying talking with all of you about this. Obviously, all our children get angry at some time. It’s frustrating when they take it too far and can mean a lot of hard work for us. I find laying down some boundaries about anger is a great place to start this work.

The boundaries I’m covering here are the ones we use in our family. They are very basic and common sense. Your family might come up with more, or tweak these ideas:

Anger has been taken too far when:

- Anyone is hurt or at risk of getting hurt. This includes people and animals. It includes but isn’t limited to hitting, kicking, scratching, pinching, hair-pulling or throwing things. I also include screaming that hurts our ears.

- Anyone’s belongings are damaged or at risk of being damaged. Our children are taught to look after their belongings and those of others’.

- If someone does/says hurtful or disrespectful things to others. Apart from nasty words, I also include spitting and rude gestures under this rule. If you’re not saying/doing something as part of a solution, chances are you’re being disrespectful.

- If someone makes us angry, it doesn’t give us the right to break any of the above rules in retaliation. This is an important rule, as often kids feel justified in doing this, for example if a child hits them. They feel it’s more than fair that they hit back. I teach them early on that this isn’t the case. I encourage them to tell a grown up and let them deal with the other person.

- Disrupting public peace. If we’re down the street or in a shop, I make it clear that other people do not want or like to hear you screaming or see you hitting things. It’s expected that they show consideration to everyone.

- We try to end our discussions about anger with this mantra: ‘I expect you to be loving, gentle and kind’. We can do this and still get our anger out in a healthy way. It just takes time and practice.

- If our children break any of the above rules, they are expected to make amends. Or, as we put it more simply with kids, make it right. This could be an apology, a hug or kiss, giving the person a drawing or a written note (if they’re old enough), helping to fix a broken toy and so on.

Do you have some ground rules for your childrens’ anger? What are they?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Finding the source of your child’s anger

Healthy ways children can express their anger

Consequences of anger

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

How do I stop tantrums?

Pin It

2 Comments -

Healthy Ways Children Can Express Their Anger

Written on February 12th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, February 2011, Parenting, Social

This is part three of my anger in children series. In the first post, I talked about inappropriate ways my son has been expressing his anger. I believe it’s important for anyone, kids included, to have the right to feel anger. To feel it fully and be allowed to express it. This series isn’t about stopping your children from getting angry. Anger is a part of life, and is normal. This series also isn’t about raising perfect little robots who are seen and not heard.

Anger is healthy

I want my children to learn to let their anger out in constructive, healthy ways. I believe this is an unhurried process, which comes with life experience, practice and boundary-setting. Missy 10, for the most part (we’ll say 99% of the time) is great at expressing her anger appropriately. This isn’t because she’s in some way a ‘better’ child than Mr 4. She’s older and has maturity, life experience, practise and years of her parents’ teachings under her belt.

She certainly wasn’t always this way and went through all the same struggles our son is facing now. When things get difficult with my son, I console myself with this reminder! It’s interesting to note that when she was four, she was behaving much the same way, and I was the one who was sick, and ended up in hospital for surgery! So bizarre…

Get it all out

I have a list of ways we can redirect our children’s anger. They allow children to vent without doing harm to anyone.

- Bang a drum, or punch playdough.

- Hit their bed, pillow or something soft that won’t get damaged or hurt the child.

- Talk to someone about their feelings, be it a friend, sibling, parent, pet or counsellor. Whoever the child is comfortable with.

- Sing.

- Ride a bike.

- Jump on a trampoline.

- Throw/hit/kick a ball around.

- Dance.

- Hug it out.

- Have a cry.

- Draw or paint.

- Imaginary play, particularly role-playing games.

- Write (for older children)

- Have a bath, swim or general water play. Water is very soothing to children.

- Any physical play that gets their energy out.

- Pillow fights!

Work with your child’s personality

It’s good to experiment with these ideas until you find what works for your child. My son benefits the most from pillow fights or anything physical. (Since the blow-up he had two days ago, he has been telling me when he feels he needs a pillow fight and I set the timer for 10 minutes. Once we’ve thrashed it out, and the timer goes off, we stop. I had to bring the timer in, otherwise he’d want to keep going all day long!) Other times, depending on the extent of his anger, he will cry, talk or hug.

Although he loves to draw, it’d never work for him during the peak of his anger. However, it does help him to draw when he’s calm, as he sometimes will reflect on his past feelings, talk about them and make sense of them. I’m sure there are many more wonderful ideas, so if you have any to share, I’d love to hear them.

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Finding the source of your child’s anger

Ground rules for anger

Consequences of anger

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

How do I stop tantrums?

Pin It

4 Comments -

Finding the Source of Your Child’s Anger

Written on February 12th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, February 2011, Language, Parenting

‘What’s gotten into him lately?’ Us parents often find ourselves asking this when our child’s anger gets out of control. Or more frequent. This is part two of my anger in children series – figuring out what’s gotten our child so riled up.

Talk to me

When my child is calm, and not in the throes of rage, I talk to them about their anger. I look for things that are worrying, upsetting, frightening or annoying them. Over time, I’ve been teaching Mr 4 about how to name his feelings (think in terms of years, not overnight). This means that that when he’s feeling a certain way, I will use one word to describe it. With repetition, he’s learned what disappointment, frustration and a whole host of other feelings mean. It’s bloody hard for a child to express their feelings when they don’t know what they’re called!

My children enjoy playing our felt game, faces with feelings for fun, but it has the bonus of teaching them to identify and talk about emotions. They enjoy acting out the different feelings, making up scenarios, voices and dialogue. With this foundation, I can talk to my child knowing they’ll understand the emotional concepts I mention.

Reflective listening

I often use this approach here. (I don’t use it as often with Missy 10, as I can ask her what’s wrong and she’ll easily tell me. But it’s good to have a range of approaches for different personalities). Yesterday, after Mr 4 was more open to talking after an explosive episode, I told him, ‘You’re angry because yesterday I told you Daddy’s going back to hospital for a longer time’

Mr 4 tensed up with fury. I knew I was on the right track.

Him: ‘I don’t want him to go’

Me: ‘You’re going to miss Daddy when he’s in hospital’ He nodded.

Me: ‘Last time Daddy went to hospital, you told me he wasn’t coming back, remember?’ He nodded.

Me: ‘And did he come back?’ His eyes widened, and he nodded some more.

Me: ‘You were so surprised and excited when he came home, weren’t you?’ He nodded, got up, gave me a hug and began crying. (Yes, I had some tears, too!)

I let him cry and told him it’s good to let his sadness out. Next, I told him, ‘you’re worried Daddy won’t come back this time too, aren’t you?’ He nodded, and I reassured him that he’d come back this time too, and it’d be such a happy time. He smiled at this, then became serious. ‘Why did you need a doctor’s appointment anyway?’ Ah-ha!

Can you see how this reflective listening works? Without having to interrogate your child, you can expose their deepest, darkest fears – the ones you wouldn’t have guessed. Let’s face it, we can only deal with these issues once they’re out on the table.

Four is such an emotionally intense age. You’ve got the over-active imagination, the monsters in the bedroom and above all, the most literal interpretation of cause and effect. See, my partner has had a lot of doctor’s appointments over the past year and a half. Notably, when he went to hospital for paint poisoning, it was within the hour of returning from a doctor’s appointment. Is it any wonder, that being four years old, he believes that a doctor’s appointment causes us to go to hospital? The truth is, it’s the illness, and the extent of it that caused it.

Similarly, that time he went to hospital, I was the one who rang the ambulance. My son was two years old at the time, and full of resentment toward me. All he could see was that I put his father there (and my partner was refusing to go!), and when he asked if he was coming home, I was the one saying no. He couldn’t see that the illness was causing the hospital stay then, either. To him, I made the phone call, therefore I caused it.

On further discussion, we talked about how he was afraid that both of his parents would end up in hospital at the same time, and he’d have no-one left to look after him. With reflective listening, we scraped through his anger and sadness to reveal a frightened little boy. I won’t bore you with the dialogue, but of course I reassured him that this wasn’t going to happen at all.

Preventative measures

Once we know the source of our child’s anger, we can use this to take preventative measures. I am making sure to explain everything I can about this hospital stay and checking if he has any more questions or worries about it. Because my son gets very physical when he’s mad, I look for ways to help him have a physical release in his play. I see that it’s important that he spend lots of time with both parents as much as is possible, so we allow for that, too.

He and Missy 2 have had some dreadful fights lately, which have also made him angry. I try to ensure they have plenty of time apart to prevent that anger build-up. I remind myself to give my kids fish oil. It’s annoying how everytime things get stressful around here, I forget to give it to them, when in reality, that’s when they need it most!

Tomorrow, I’m going to talk about teaching our children healthy ways to express their anger. I believe if anger isn’t expressed, it can have destructive effects. My son avoids expressing his anger and bottles it up until he explodes. This is the life lesson he needs at the moment, and it’s the one we’re teaching him. It takes time, but I know we’ll get there.

To get in the mood for tomorrow’s installment, how do your kids express their anger? Are you happy with how they do it? What would you like to see improved?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Healthy ways children can express their anger

Ground rules for anger

Consequences of anger

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

How do I stop tantrums?

Pin It

12 Comments -

Dealing With Anger in Children

Written on February 11th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, February 2011, Parenting, Social

I’m writing this with a bruised chin tonight. You see, Mr 4 decided that he was so angry at the world, that throwing a heavy wooden toy at my face would make him feel better. Charming.

I mentioned here yesterday and also to my son that my partner is going to hospital next week for a long time. Every other time his dad’s gone to hospital has led my son to become increasingly angry and upset. Unfortunately, he expresses his anger explosively and violently. He becomes defiant, breaking the rules on purpose to get a reaction. He tries saying disrespectful things, such as ‘shut up’, that he knows he isn’t allowed to say.

After having broken the news to him about his father’s impending hospital stay, I braced myself for all of this. My son was right on schedule today, exploding like a time bomb.

As you can imagine, I also feel anger over his behaviour. Like any parent, sometimes I handle it well, other times I handle it terribly. What better time for me to write about this subject, whilst it’s so fresh in my mind? I’m going to write a series about anger management for children over the next few days. Over the course of the series I’ll share how I dealt with my son’s behaviour this time around.

Each day, I’ll cover different aspects that I’m teaching my children about anger. They include:

Finding the source of the anger

Healthy ways children can express their anger

Ground rules for anger

Consequences for harmful expressions of anger

Repetition

Anger in the real world

Teaching a child how anger works.

I hope you’ll journey with me during this series, and share your thoughts and ideas with everyone. What I’d love to hear from you today, is what you feel causes your child/ren to get angry?

Other reading:

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

How do I stop tantrums?

Emotional development – how help children talk about feelings.

Pin It

6 Comments -

Childhood regression

Written on January 30th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, Preschool aged, School aged, Social, Toddler

Has your potty-trained child ever started to suddenly struggle with their toileting? Have you ever had a four year old start throwing tantrums all over again, right when you thought you were past all that? Has your preschooler ever suddenly become clingy to you, almost wanting to be ‘babied’ by you? You’re not alone, and it’s perfectly normal.

When a child regresses in their behaviour or in their development, it can really freak us parents out! We just get comfortable after our child becomes more competent at new skills, they become more independent and we look forward to just a little bit of smooth sailing for a little while. Then this happens! We sometimes worry where we’ve gone wrong, did we miss something?

Mr 4 has been regressing in a lot of areas lately at home. He’s gone ‘backwards’ in his potty training, is becoming more clingy towards me, has started having the occasional (but explosive!) tantrum here and there and generally seeks out situations where he can be ‘babied’ by me. He also tries to create situations to get more attention from me after he’s gone to bed than usual.

Usually when our children start acting out of character in different ways all at once, it’s enough to trigger most parents into realising that something’s awry. We have an instinct for a reason, and when our child shows regressive behaviour, it’s time to listen to that instinct.

What can cause regression in a child?

This list is not exhaustive, but there are many situations that can cause a child to regress:

- Death of a family member, friend or pet

- Divorce or separation

- Moving to a new home

- A sick parent/guardian or sibling

- When a parent/guardian starts a new job

- Starting a new childcare centre/preschool/school

- Being bullied at school

- Pregnancy/the birth of a new sibling

- Unrest in the household (for example, parents arguing frequently, domestic violence, etc)

- Sometimes, as a child gains a lot of independence, it can lead to feelings of insecurity of not being the baby anymore.

….and the list goes on.

As a parent, in most cases, you’d be aware of your child’s situation, except for bullying (but we can probe for that!). When you scan this list, I’m sure you’ll have noticed that there is a common thread in most of these causes: change. To begin to understand your child’s regression, looking for major changes in your child’s life is a great place to start.

With Mr 4, we pinpointed his regression as being related to his father’s recent stint in hospital again, along with the knowledge that my partner will be going back to hospital again soon. Another significant aspect of our home life for us to consider was the fact that everyday, my son watches me care for my partner, helping him with his medicine and tasks he finds difficult. Also, because my partner has severe OCD, our sons sees his dad have meltdowns, and me talking him down from it.

Mr 4 has a two year old sister who’s begun potty training, and despite her constant fights for independence, needs more help from me generally than he does. Honestly, is it any wonder he’s reacting this way? Having talked to him about this, he feels that help or care, is equivalent to love. In his eyes, the person getting the most help, is getting the most love. Simply put, he wants a piece of the pie!

During our talk, I let him know that he can have love from me anytime he wants. He doesn’t have to have a ‘need’ for me to do something for him. Anytime he wants to, he can ask me for a kiss, or a cuddle. I can put aside time during the day to play with him, or he can hang out with me while I’m doing other things. When he’s my helper, that’s special time together too.

Most importantly, I made it clear to him that Missy 2 isn’t always going to be so needy. She’s potty training, and soon will be able to go to the toilet by herself, without any help from me. He realises now that she’s doing more and more things for herself everyday, so that makes him feel a little better. I drew his attention to the fact that as I help his dad, I’m working on helping him to be able to more things for himself, too, and that he’s slowly getting better.

I’m finding in the past week or two, he’s still quite fragile about things, but instead of reverting to regressive behaviour, is taking advantage of those other ways we talked about for him and I to spend time together. We spent one afternoon with him making a ‘parcel’ from the postie, over and over again. He simply got a box, filled it with different toys, and delivered it to me with a grin: ‘I’ve got a parcel for you!’ Then I would admire all the wonderful ‘surprises’ he’d given me. He chats with me, does chores with me, watches me do things, and asks me for lots and lots of cuddles!

Does this mean I wasn’t available or providing opportunities for this to happen before this happened? Of course not! It’s just that he hadn’t made the distinction that I was there for him as well, it’s just that he didn’t need the same sort of help that his sister and dad needed. That the love and time I give him usually, counts in just the same way.

The other thing that I’m doing to deal with this, is I’m giving him lots of opportunities to talk about his fears, worries and feelings in general. Basically, I find that when my children have regressed, after I find out the cause, I talk with them about it as well as try to replace this new behaviour with something a little healthier. I’ve not had the need yet for my children to ever have counselling over any big changes in their lives, but if I felt it was needed, I’d provide it in a heartbeat.

I’d love to hear everyone else’s tips on how they deal with their children’s regressive times in life.

Other reading:
Finding the source of your child’s anger

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children talk about feelings

Reflective listening

Pin It

4 Comments -

Sibling Rivalry Solutions

Written on December 9th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, December 2010, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social

When I fell pregnant with Mr 4, my second son, I knew everything would change. Yes, Missy 10 (then 5) had grown up with her three step siblings visiting now and then. But this was different. She was finally going to have a baby brother. Living with us, being raised alongside her. Sharing the affections of her parents.

I knew that fighting would be inevitable, but I welcomed it. I think kids learn a lot about life from those fights with their siblings. They learn how to problem-solve, compromise and think about what is morally right and wrong. They learn how to express anger, frustration and sadness appropriately. Nicole Avery wrote about the importance of not becoming the referee and letting children work through the problem themselves. I fully agree.

What I’d like to focus on today, is the type of sibling fights that can go on all day long, possibly even day after day. This situation can become stressful for the entire household. The children tire of having the same repetitive argument, and parents get fed up with listening to it. Because it continues all day, it’s no longer constructive for the kids to be left to work it out. I find these types of arguments are often caused by siblings who are spending too much time together.

I had a day like this yesterday. Missy 2 and Mr 4 spent the entire day provoking one another, then hitting or pushing each other. Then, they’d whine to us about what the other child did. Missy 10 wasn’t a part of this dynamic, and usually isn’t, because she’s at school. She gets a break from them, and they, her. (Come back to me during school holidays, and I’ll be singing a different tune)

I looked back on the types of days my youngest two have been having. Wake up in the same room (we’ve had to make them share a room for a little while due to renovation issues), have breakfast together. Play together, lunch together, bath together, dinner together, bedtime routine together. I think if I had that much togetherness with just one person, I’d turn on them, too!

So, my solution for the ‘I’m sick of your face’ blues, is to simply split them both up, giving them something constructive to do. I find when siblings fight constantly like this, that the fight takes over their play as well. They forget to play, because they are so focused on the negativity.

My partner took Missy 2 out to do this:

Jumping her jollies out, kicking her aggression into the ball.

…and I took Mr 4 into the studio to do this:

Finding a new focus, concentrating on scissor and gluing skills. I like him to do this for school readiness preparation, anyway. I asked Mr 4 if he was enjoying the break from his little sister. He looked at me with his eyes widened with this new realisation, breathing a massive sigh of relief, and said, ‘YES!’ I explained to him that we all need a break from people sometimes, and that he and Missy 2 would probably end up playing happily later as a result. They could enjoy each other again, as they usually do.

Mr 4 was chuffed at that suggestion. We didn’t have this talk with Missy 2, as it’s probably a bit too ‘heavy’ for her just yet. But in getting Mr 4 committed to the cause of getting along, he made the effort once they got back together. Missy 2 was then also open to make an effort as a result.

….And play nicely again, they did. When it was bath time today, I tried washing them separately, in keeping with the idea of giving them more breaks like this from one another. Missy 2 looked worried. She wanted to know why her brother wasn’t in the bath with her!

It’s true what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Are your kids getting along today?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Regressive behavior in children

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children talk about feelings

Emotional development – initiative

Reflective listening

Pin It

2 Comments -

Partners in crime this morning

Written on June 13th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Art, Behaviour, Challenges, Good times, June 2010, Messy play, Preschool aged, Toddler

We have two rules in this house when it comes to drawing:

#1: Only draw on the paper

#2: No drawing on furniture or people…..

Mr 3: ‘It wasn’t me mum, (Missy 2) drew all over me. I didn’t draw on the table’
Missy 2: ‘Yay!’

Rule #3: If you break rule #2, textas get put away.

Mr 3: ‘But I drew on myself by accident!’

How’s your Sunday?

Pin It

13 Comments -

How to be a good witness to other peoples’ kids having tantrums

Written on May 18th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

This is the last installment in my tantrum series.

Last time I wrote about tantrums, I touched on public tantrums and just how stressful and difficult they can be for a parent or carer to deal with. I talked about how busy the adult is, possibly already stressed by the errands they are running, then the child who is tantrumming, which is finally rounded off with an unhealthy dose of public interference.

This post is for anyone who’s ever judged another parent or carer of a child who had a public tantrum. Or worse, criticised or undermined a parent/carer’s best efforts at dealing with the tantrum. I write this in the hope that a parent/caregiver/child is treated better by a stranger as a result.

Dear stranger, please respect how we manage our child/rens’ behaviour.

Nobody will ever agree 100% with another parent/carer’s approach to behaviour management, but as long as the child is not being abused or put in danger, please respect that we may do it differently to how you would, and that is our right. To publicly criticise us, especially in front of our child, undermines our authority as parents, and then if they end up in juvey at 13, you will no doubt blame us, the abovementioned parents because our children ended up having no respect for us.

To throw another method/technique/idea into the works would be confusing to the child anyway.

Do not interrupt an adult dealing with a child having a tantrum

Do not talk over the parent. Do not say within the child’s earshot, ‘oh, that’s alright, he can have it!’ If the parent has said no, that needs to be respected. Do not confuse the child.

Do not stare/tut/shake your head at parent or child.

Both already feel embarrassed, stressed and frustrated. One day this could be you. Or maybe years ago, it was you, and you’ve conveniently forgotten this fine detail.

Can you do something to help?

Years ago, when my first child was two, I was trying to walk home with her, carrying far too many plastic bags of shopping. My daughter was refusing to walk, and was trying to wrestle her way to the ground and run to the road. I was trying to carry her home quickly, and juggle her and the bags. It was quite the spectacle.

Next thing I knew, a lady around my age came outside, and my guard instantly went up. Oh my god, I thought. She thinks I’m beating up my child. Or she’s going to tell me I should be. Instead, she asked me how far away I lived, and if I would like her to carry my bags so I could carry my daughter home more easily. Of course, I didn’t want to put her out, but she reassured me I wasn’t, so I said yes.

As we walked home together, she asked how old my daughter was. On telling her, she replied that she had a little girl at home the same age who would love to play with her! We exchanged numbers, and our two little ones ended up having quite a few playdates.

Most of the time, a parent or carer wants to be left to get on with the job of dealing with their child without interference. What if there were more people in this world like this lady, who offered to help with some other part of your errand and left you to deal with your child unhindered? To offer to unpack your trolley onto the conveyor belt as you managed your child’s behaviour? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if more people did this, rather than stand and gawk or criticise?

What do you wish others would do when your child has a public tantrum? And by the same token, what could you do for another parent in this situation, without undermining that parents’ methods?

Pin It

21 Comments -