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Category Archives: Behaviour

What can you do if your child has a public tantrum?

Written on May 11th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

I hope you’ve been enjoying my tantrum series.

As promised, I’m going to talk about the most feared of tantrums, the public tantrum. Before this, let’s look back on what’s been covered:

Why children have tantrums

Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Using language as a tool against tantrums

So, we’ve talked about what causes tantrums, ways we can prevent them and how to build up our childrens’ communication skills to help get through the tantrum stage more smoothly. But what about if you have implemented all of these strategies and your child still has a tantrum anyway?

Relax. Remember, it’s a normal part of a child’s development, and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It can take time for a child to learn to accept that not everything will happen they way they want it to in life, all the time. I have focused more in this series on understanding the motives behind tantrums and preventative measures, because I believe that it’s all the work we put in here that pays dividends.

I’ve yet to meet two parents who’ve ever agreed 100% on the best ways to raise children. Most parents and carers have varied yet passionate opinions on how to deal with a child who is throwing a tantrum. I’m going to reiterate that these ideas are only my approach, and I enjoy open discussion on the wide variety of ways other parents deal with it. Don’t be afraid to be creative in your approach, try your own ideas. You know your child better than anyone else in the world. As always, let’s respect each others’ differences and let everyone have the freedom to have the floor with their opinions.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, I’m going to focus on the tantrums where a child doesn’t get something they desperately want. I have a few ‘constants’ that do not change, regardless of the childs’ age:

I don’t say no, then say yes after the tantrum.

Your child wants an ice cream. For whatever reasons, you’ve said no. Child screams, maybe even throws themselves on the floor. This is stressful for parents and carers. Often it seems easier and so tempting to just say, ‘oh, alright then, you can have the ice cream!’ If you do this, I guarantee that the tantrum will stop instantly. I also guarantee that your child will throw more tantrums in the near future and will probably take longer to move out of this tantrum stage of their lives.

What happens when a child is given in to like this, is that the child is rewarded for expressing their wants in an inappropriate way. No, we don’t expect perfect behaviour from a one year old, or a three year old. It’s normal for them to try to see what will work for them. But it’s up to us to teach them better ways to express this. When we teach our children that screaming for what we want doesn’t achieve the desired result, over time they become capable of finding other ways to ask for things, also to accept that sometimes it’s no.

What would happen if we applied for a job and didn’t get it? Asked a potential love interest out on a date and were rejected? Would kicking and screaming help the situation? No. Does this mean that we expect our children to behave like adults at all times? No. We expect our children to try inappropriate behaviour, and then we repetitively teach them what the actual expectation will be of them in the real world. We spend this time preparing them.

So if it’s no when my child first asks, then it’s no after they’ve had a tantrum too.

Ignore the tantrum.

Now, I don’t want people to say, ‘but what if they’re hungry/tired? They’re upset because they need something!’ Yes, I agree. In those cases, if that is the cause, as I’ve already covered in previous topics, you deal with it. But today I’m talking about dealing with tantrums where a child does not like hearing the word, ‘no’.

I find that a child tantrumming over not getting what they wanted is much like dealing with someone who is ranting when they’re drunk. You can’t reason with them during the rant. I personally choose not to reward the behaviour with attention. Once they have calmed down, then I will talk to them about the situation. I am a strong believer in letting a child have their thoughts sometimes. Giving them time to themselves to reflect on what they are doing. Thinking about if it’s even working. I remember back all the way to two years of age in my childhood. I remember throwing tantrums. One of the most loving things my parents did for me was to leave me alone with my head, and let me make sense of it. If I am concerned that my child is in danger or putting others in danger, then I move them somewhere safe and leave them to it.

Create a diversion.

I’ve added this idea more for the very young tantrummers, say between the ages 1-2 years old. Because their attention span can be shorter, often we can redirect the behaviour towards another activity or interest. A child may be ready to scream for that ice cream, but if we can say, ‘look Gretel, there’s a fire truck! It’s big and it’s red and let’s go play with it/look at it!’ sometimes the child will forget all about it.

Some may consider this rewarding the behaviour. I disagree. They’ve forgotten their tantrum, and they didn’t get the ice cream, did they?

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Language as a tool against tantrums

Written on May 8th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

This week I’ve been talking a lot about tantrums. We’ve talked about the ‘why‘, the triggers and today I’m talking about how we can use language to help our child and ourselves.

I’ve mentioned before the frustration a child feels when they lack the ability to put their wants and feelings into words. So my best tip in tantrum prevention, and getting through the tantrum phase more quickly and easily is expanding on a child’s communication skills.

Give your child a vocabulary for emotions.

If children can put a word to different feelings, or know what they mean, it becomes a way of communicating what they are feeling. My three year old son has been taught to differentiate common feelings: happy, sad, angry. We also have taught him the meaning of the feeling, ‘frustration’ and ‘disappointment’. These are two feelings that are very common causes of tantrums, and very hard emotions for kids to put into words, unless we use them often. We did this with Missy 9 when she was in the tantrum stage, also. Often, my son will use these words to describe how he’s feeling, and when he’s too upset to tell us, we can ask him (‘are you upset, angry, frustrated?’) and he will nod or shake his head at the word he is feeling. Usually, once we’ve nailed how he’s feeling, we find he can’t help but start talking about what is bothering him.

Some ways we can teach kids to understand different feelings:

- through pretend play. You, or your child/ren can act out different feelings. Make it fun. Kids love watching mums and dads pretending to cry. Little sadists, they are… You can pretend with toys, puppets, whatever you like.

- through songs. Try, ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ or, ‘how do you feel today?’

- via stories. When you’re reading a story with your child, stop to look at the pictures. Ask your child how they think the character is feeling. If it’s a feeling that is sad, angry, etc you can ask the child, ‘what do you think would make him happy again?’

- when watching tv shows. You can ask the same sorts of questions as you would when reading a story.

- encourage them to observe other people, such as their brothers or sisters and think about how they are feeling. This has the side benefit of encouraging compassion for others as well.

- give names to the feelings when they come over the child. I’ve mentioned before that when any of my children are frustrated, particularly when little, I will say, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you?’ or, ‘I can see how angry/upset you are’.

- through art. When your child is drawing or painting, or creating something, you can sometimes bring discussion about feelings into it. If your child is drawing a person or an animal, you can ask your child how the person in the drawing is feeling, and what made them feel that way. You can ask what would make the animal happy.

- when you’re listening to music, talk about whether it sounds like a sad song, a happy song, an angry song, etc.

Help your child to widen their vocabulary in general.

The more language skills a child has, the less they will tantrum.

- Talk to your child often, talk about what they are doing, what you are doing, describe how you are walking up the steps together, or washing your tummy in the bath, describe anything that occurs in your day.

- Tell your child the names of objects, and praise them when they try to say them. An important one was for us to teach our daughter the word, ‘cup’. Once she could attempt to say that word, we managed to remove that tantrum trigger, because we could make out what she was trying to say. In turn, she learnt that saying words was a more likely way to meet her needs and wants than screaming or grunting, and led to her wanting to try other words, too.

- Read with your child often. We all know this is an obvious way to develop a child’s language skills, but it’s still important to mention it here.

Role model language when you are angry/upset/frustrated.

We can teach our children that us adults get upset, frustrated and angry too. If children can see us showing appropriate ways of expressing those feelings, it makes it so much easier for them to see what we expect them to do when it’s their turn. Think about what you do or say when you are angry. Do you yell and scream? Do you slam things on the table?

Hey, we’re all human, and we all sometimes react in a way we wished we hadn’t. I’m not just talking about with our children, I’m talking about with life in general. This isn’t intended to judge anyone, or criticise at all. But I know in myself, my moods and my temper can easily get the better of me at times, and it’s important to keep it or get it in check, because I have three pairs of eyes watching how I handle it. Learning about the ‘done thing’ by adults, so to speak.

Here’s the list of what I like to aim for in terms of role modelling these feelings in front of children:

- I try to tell my kids how I’m feeling. I don’t always go into why I’m upset or angry, because sometimes they are for adult reasons, and not my childrens’ burden to bear. But if they can handle the reason I’m feeling a certain way, I aim to tell them. Examples are:

‘I’m just really angry because the cat scratched my leg and it hurts a lot.’

‘I’m frustrated because I’ve been trying to open this jar and it’s stuck!’

‘I’m disappointed, because I wanted vegemite on toast, but now the jar’s empty’

- I try to tell the kids what I think I might do about it.

‘I think I need to sit down for a minute until I calm down, and my leg stops hurting’

‘Maybe I’ll ask Daddy if he can help me to open this jar.’

‘Oh well, I might have cereal for breakfast instead’.

I have deliberately used the words, ‘aim for’ and ‘try to’ when making up this list. The reason being, is that I’m human and I fall short often. Most people do, it’s human nature. The good news is, we can teach our kids through role modelling, what not to do as well!

Kids sometimes get really scared of their tantrums, because they know they are out of control, and it’s not a nice feeling for them. They might think it makes them ‘bad’, or think we won’t love them as much because they weren’t completely perfect. What if they could see adults making errors in their judgement, losing control? (Within reason, of course) Won’t that make them feel that they’re not so bad when it happens to them? I think so!

Sometimes, like a lot of parents, I’ve yelled when I know I shouldn’t have at people, including my kids. I think it can help a lot to apologise to our kids if they see us go over the top. An example:

‘I’m sorry I was silly before. I shouldn’t have yelled like that. I think I should’ve just walked away to calm down.’

If any of you have ever seen your child copy the way you do something, be it a phrase you often use, or facial mannerisms, you’ll know just how powerful your example is to your children. Good or bad. I find my two older kids often come back to me later after they’ve overreacted to something, and really surprised me with a heartfelt apology, and an explanation why they lost control. An example could be Missy 9: ‘I’m sorry I was rude at the shops. I really wanted that magazine, and when you said no, I still really wanted it. I promise I’ll try not to nag you next time’.

When this genuine sort of apology is given to me, I like to thank them, and let them know we all make mistakes, and the main thing is to learn from them so next time we can try to do things differently.

I hope you come back to read my next post about public tantrums. I know this is the type most of us struggle with! I’m also going to talk about what we can do if you’ve avoided the triggers, you’ve done everything you can to avoid tantrums, and your child still has a tantrum anyway. Kelly from Be a Fun Mum has aptly suggested I call it, ‘Parents Eat Humble Pie’. I must say, it has its merits!

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Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Written on May 4th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

So far, I’ve been talking about tantrums and the different types there are. Today I want to get readers thinking in terms of triggers. Sometimes, when our child first starts a new sort of tantrum, we can be mystified as to what made them so frustrated and upset. Often in the heat of the moment, it can seem like they are having tantrums for no apparent reason. When we become aware that certain events can trigger tantrums, and begin to observe what else is going on at the time, we can work on tantrum prevention, or minimising the extent of the tantrum.

Squiggle Mum shared with us her tantrum tracker which can help a parent or carer to remember triggers, or to watch for a pattern, or a commonality in tantrums, thank you Squiggle Mum!

This list is not extensive, but you may be able to relate some of them to your child’s tantrums. If not, it’ll give you a good idea of what sorts of things to look out for. When looking for triggers, my suggestion is to start when you have a full day to just observe your child in their day to day routine. Obviously, you still have other things you have to do at the same time! But here’s a good list of common tantrum triggers:

- As mentioned before, frustration at lack of language. I find with my children, it’s usually been because they’ve wanted the same item repeatedly, so I use one word to describe what they want, eg, ‘cup’. When they start grunting, pointing and reaching madly, that’s when I ask, ‘cup? Do you want your cup?’ If they relax and look happy, then you’ve got it! Eventually, they will make an attempt to say the word, even if they don’t say properly, you’ll know that’s their word. Often, a child might come up with a hand action that relates to that item they often want. If you can keep aware of these subtle movements, then it can become a way for your child to communicate with you. Many parents also like to teach their children simple sign language actions to help their child through this stage.

- Tiredness. Does your child often start throwing tantrums a little before bedtime or naptime? Or have they had a busy day and are tired just because? I have sometimes moved my childrens’ naptimes forward by about half an hour, just so that they don’t have to get to that stage. If they are no longer napping, sometimes just some time with a story or other quiet play can help to diffuse a tantrum triggered by tiredness.

- Hunger. Little ones can get grouchy sometimes if they are hungry. Do they often have a tantrum right before lunch? Or dinner? This has been the case with all of my kids at some stage when they’ve been very young, and like the tiredness trigger, moving the eating routine forward just a tiny bit can help to quell prospective tantrums in the future.

- Trying to learn a new skill. Often, when a child takes on a new challenge, such as trying to put a puzzle together, dress themselves, or anything that is important to them to master, at first, they can’t do it. The bottom line is, for a little kid, they just want to do it, and when they can’t, it sucks. An offer of help from a well-meaning parent or sibling can compound the problem, because they don’t want someone else to do it for them, they want to do it themselves.

I tend to say to my children in this situation, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you? You want to put those socks on’. I find doing this first allows the child to feel that someone at least understands their dilemma, and this can often calm them enough for a moment. Kids who hear this also tend to be more open to what you are going to say next, because they know you are both now working towards the same goal. I try very hard to keep my hands off what they are doing for as long as I can (it’s their skill to master, remember?).

Next, depending on the child’s developmental stage, I will either ask them why they think it isn’t working or gently tell them what isn’t working, and make a suggestion as to what might make the job easier. ‘The sock is a lot smaller than your foot, isn’t it? But what if we stretch this elastic out to make it bigger? Then your foot will fit into it better, and you can slide it on more.’ What will often happen, is the child will try out your idea, and it will either work and they’ll feel wonderful, or it won’t work, but because they’ve had the chance to try, they might be more open to letting you help with the last part of the task for them.

- Siblings or other children bothering them. This one is tricky. If another child is repeatedly upsetting your child, you may not see it very often. The other child may wait until you are not looking before snatching a toy from the child prone to tantrums (especially if it’s a younger child, more so if that child cannot yet speak much), hitting them, saying something to upset the child, or doing one of the many things kids can do to drive each other up the wall. This is where the observation stuff comes in very handy.

Usually, you can try to be unobtrusive and discover what is being done by the other child to bother your child so much. Many parents and carers can get quite a shock at what they find! If you have an especially careful child, you might not see it happen even if you are watching with an eagle eye. When this is the case, I usually get one of the other siblings not involved in the power play to keep an eye out for me, and let me know what the other child is doing.

The great thing about this is that it provides the child throwing the tantrum with an immense sense of relief and you can go on to deal with the other child’s behaviour.

It’s so useful to become aware of the triggers to your child’s tantrums. Facilitating understanding can lessen your frustration with your child’s tantrum, and help you to more clearly come up with a plan of how to deal with it. When parents and carers start watching for the triggers, they often find that the tantrum they have everyday, is at the same time, and at the same part of the routine. My two year old was often having a tantrum session right before lunch, as she was hungry and tired. When this happened, I would quickly put on her favourite ‘The Fairies’ dvd, which settled her instantly, just for long enough for me to make some lunch. I fed her then quickly popped her into bed for a nap. Once I began moving her lunch and nap time forward just a tiny bit, we managed to prevent the whole shebang. So, the main point I’d like to focus on, is that it’s the pattern that we watch for with triggers.

My next post will be about using language to help you and your child to navigate more smoothly through the tantrum stage. I’d also like to just say quickly, that I’m enjoying the responses on this series. I love that everyone commenting is so passionate about their own experiences!

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Tantrums – Why do Children Have Them?

Written on May 2nd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

My last post here was about tantrums, and the beginning of my little tantrums series. I’m back from a little rest to share the next installment.

There are different reasons that children have tantrums. I promised to tell you about two types, but have since remembered it should be three. Hmm, lucky I had that rest! Haha.

The lack of language tantrum

This is common in especially young children, you guessed it, with little or no verbal skills yet. The child wants something, tries to ask for it, does not have the ability yet to communicate this in words, and becomes frustrated. Often, these types of tantrums can start out with the child reaching towards something, or pointing, or grunting, ‘uh, uh, UH!’ As you would expect, once the child becomes more competent at saying words and later speaking in sentences, these tantrums stop. Also, if a parent or carer is able to figure out what the child is asking for, this can also quickly diffuse the frustration, and often a child will be visibly relieved when this happens.

The transition tantrum

Let me first explain what a transition is, in this instance. A transition is when a child is doing one activity (it could be a fun play activity, or it could be a routine activity, such as eating breakfast, or having a bath) then is moved by a carer or parent into another activity. For example; Missy 2 had a tantrum last night when we took her out of the bath to go get dried. This time in between is the transition.

The child may throw a tantrum at a time like this, because they were enjoying what they were previously doing, or simply because they were settled there. Transitions to a small child can feel like a major upheaval, because in every toddler’s busy day, they are doing different things; waking up, eating breakfast, getting dressed, playing, going places possibly, going inside, going outside, and so on. They thrive on stability and live in the ‘now’. When the ‘now’ is perpetually changed, through no fault of the adult, it can be unsettling for them.

Because they didn’t get something they wanted.

This tantrum is usually followed by the adult in charge saying ‘no’. I know this type of tantrum can be the most frustrating for the adult in charge to deal with, and it’s also the most frustrating for the child. The two types of tantrums mentioned previously can be more clearly defined as a developmental stage that can be worked through quite easily (with a bit of effort) until that developmental stage passes.

But not getting what you want? Not quite as easy. But not impossible, either. In my last post, Sal shared that as parents, they sing to their daughter the excellent Rolling Stone’s song, ‘You can’t always get what you want’ and that works for their child. I chuckled, because in the past, we’ve used it too! I also knew two other mothers who said they used it as well. I find my kids have been annoyed when we’ve sung it, but as Sal pointed out, it does breed a small level of acceptance.

Tomorrow I’m going to move onto how we can work out a child’s tantrum triggers and how to avoid them. In the meantime, you can check out Squigglemum’s tantrum tracker for a great way to observe and become more aware of why your child is having tantrums, and to give you a direction on how to deal with it. Thanks for sharing, Squigglemum! It ties in beautifully.

I’d love to hear what sort of tantrums your children are having; are they due to a language barrier, transitions, hearing the word no, or a bit of each? I know with Missy 2, she is just moving out of the language barrier tantrums, but is still having the other two types. My three year old son is also having the second two types.

You can subscribe to make sure you don’t miss out on this series if you wish.

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Benefits of fish oils for kids.

Written on November 7th, 2009 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Care, Challenges, Constructive, Emotional, Health and beauty, November 2009, Parenting, Preschool aged, School aged

Fish oil is creating quite a buzz among parents everywhere. We’ve been giving our nine year old daughter and three year old son fish oil for seven months.

I’ve been involved in discussions about this on parenting forums during this time, and the consensus is that it’s a fabulous supplement to be giving children. It’s certainly got my vote!

Why do some parents resort to trying fish oil on their children, you may wonder? Well, some parents try it to help with behaviour problems, from mild, to full-blown ADHD. Some parents want their children to have more focus, or better sleep. I’ve even come across parents who use it for children with bowel problems, to soften their stools.

I personally wanted to try it, because my son, who was two years old at the time, was showing some challenging behaviour. We discipline him, provide interesting things for him to do, and mostly give him healthy foods to eat. The trouble was, his focus and attention span was poor. He would hit, kick, bite, push his sisters. When we tried to talk to him about his behaviour, he would hit us, or kick and pull our hair.

He had a lot of trouble sitting still at any time, and even settling down to sleep proved difficult. The kid was just wired! My fiance and I started to get concerned, and considered getting him diagnosed for ADD or ADHD. Then I remembered vaguely hearing something about fish oil.

It was when my darling partner had his first hospital visit from his paint poisoning that I became desperate. The added stress to my son, and complete change in our routine made his behaviour quite unbearable. One night, I stopped off at a supermarket on the way home from hospital, and by this point, my son was in a particularly vile mood.

A jar of fish oil caught my eye, and as my son announced to the entire supermarket that I hit him all the time (I have never hit any of my children, so you can imagine how mortified I was!), I grabbed that jar in desperation and raced to the counter.

My nine year old daughter is a really well behaved, calm, polite child. She is above average at school, and it’s rare for her to have any sort of behaviour problems, apart from normal child development, testing boundaries, etc. But, I decided to give them to her also, as I’d heard it suggested that even if a child doesn’t have any problems or issues, it’s great for the healthy development and growth of their brains. Plus, I was curious to see if it would have any impact on her as well.

And so I began my oldest two children on fish oil. After one dose, my then two year old son began to hug me more often, and constantly started to tell me he loved me. I could’ve cried with joy! Within a week, his sleep habits at night drastically improved, and he was playing more nicely and calmly.

By this stage, he was still misbehaving now and then (what two year old doesn’t?). But, the great thing was, when we tried to talk to him and explain how we wanted him to behave, he didn’t hit, kick or pull our hair. He sat still, quietly listening to what we had to say. At the end of our talks, he would say ok, instead of screaming ‘NO!’ at us. He began to show genuine remorse afterwards, too.

We quickly realised how much the fish oil was helping our son. Our then eight year old daughter was experiencing less mood swings, and said she just felt better. We also realised that with two kids on these capsules, it didn’t take long for the jar to run out. This was getting expensive! And oohh boy, when we ran out of capsules, our house became like a zoo! Our kids became irritable, and suffered terrible mood swings.

Thankfully, some forum friends recommended a cheaper, yet high quality version of omega 3 fish oil that comes in bulk. Healthy Care Kids Omega – 3. It has 125 lemon-lime flavoured capsules for $14.99. This company tests their fish oil for mercury and pesticide levels to ensure they are safe. Our son eats two a day like lollies, and my daughter bites the ‘fish tail’ off, sucks the oil out, and throws the capsule shells into the bin. I know that some parents squeeze the oil onto cereal, or into a chocolate milk. Whatever works, huh?

We buy these at our local Chemist Warehouse, but there is also an online store here, too.

After a few more weeks of taking these capsules, my son really started to act even more differently. He started hugging me more, telling me he loved me and saying over and over again that he was sorry he’d hit me. Then it dawned on me – I couldn’t remember the last time he had hit me! Or kicked, bitten, pulled hair, or generally hurt anyone in this family.

My son around this time, was also starting to really accelerate his speech development. Prior to this, he was talking just fine, but he really started firing along in his vocabulary.

Other unexpected things that happened for him included: beginning to sort the alphabet in order (not planned, this came from him), he began staying at the same activity for much longer periods, and began to show an interest in learning to read.

Now he is three, he is the little boy we always knew was there inside. He still likes to muck up and be a cheeky little three year old, and we wouldn’t have it any other way, LOL.

Our daughter is now nine, and has topped the nation in her NAPLAN scores, getting band six results in each area (highest for her age is six), and in some areas, her little ‘dot’ indicating her mark, went up and outside of band six! She has always been extremely clever, but I’ve not had her teacher tell me she sometimes daydreams or loses focus this year. This was what other teachers had told me in first and second grade.

She went on to get credits in her uni exams for math, computer skills and science. Plus, she got a high distinction for her uni exam in English. Let’s just say, we knew she had it in her!

My fiance and I sincerely believe that the fish oil is helping our kids become the happiest ‘them’ they can be. Now they really can unlock the true person inside.

I’d like to add, that whilst I have no problem with paid advertorials, this isn’t one. This is my personal recommendation to anyone who is interested. I am so thrilled with the results, and am so keen to share it with other parents, that I tell every parent I know about it, in case it can be of help to them. Unfortunately, in my excitement, I think some parents may have thought I was insinuating their children had ADHD or were badly behaved, LOL. I firmly believe though, that for anyone open to it or able to, these little capsules are worth a try, and I highly recommend them.

Have you tried fish oil for your children? If so, how has it affected your children?