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Influential sex-talk without the “blah, blah, blah…”

Written on May 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Care, Challenges, Emotional, May 2011, Parenting, Relationships, Social, Teens

This is a guest post from Liz Walker on an important topic for parents of teens, or even tweens.

Despite loud protests of “I’m going to do things better!” how are we fairing? Often the awkward moments with our parents discussing sex (or not discussing it at all) come rushing back to haunt us. The fears of “What does my child already know?”, “What if I tell them too much!” and “How can I keep the lines of communication open?” seem to churn through our mind like a washing machine spinning out of balance. As parents, the last thing we want to ponder is “how did our kids go from ‘cute and innocent’ to ‘got-it-all-together expert’ overnight?”

The difference between when we were kids and now is not too hard to see, however many of us have become desensitised to what has actually happened over the last 40 years. The web has completely rebooted the world. For instance, ‘Amazon’ has changed the way we shop; ‘EBay’ has changed the way we sell; ‘Google’ has changed the way we find information; ‘YouTube’ has changed the way we share experiences; ‘blogging’ has changed the way we share our thoughts and ‘Facebook’ has changed the way we relate to each other. Technology has shifted culture.

Gen X (parents of teens) were introduced to and wowed by technology… Gen Y has experienced and expect exponential advance… Gen Z (our kids) believe technology just ‘is’. Gen Z have never known life without the vast array of superefficient, ever advancing, ‘simple to use’ and ‘couldn’t live without’ technology. A great deal of technology is incredibly beneficial; however there are some pitfalls we need to be aware of when raising healthy teens to make smart choices about sex.

In dealing with the downside of media and technology, ask yourself a couple of questions. What messages has your child picked up about their worth? When they watch music clips, what are they being told about how they dress? When they hear another report on the news about rape, what message are they receiving about the value placed on another human being? When they see advertisements with men and women presented as sex symbols, how can parents effectively tell them about the beautiful gift of sexuality and intimacy?

These are messages no one can escape, so use them as learning points with your kids. Recently my youngest was watching music clips, usually listened to on her radio, but the imagery adds a whole other level of meaning. Bumping and grinding with minimal clothes is a soft porn message I don’t want her to absorb. So I asked her how it made her feel. “Uncomfortable”. This was the perfect opportunity to suggest that if it makes her feel yucky on the inside, it was up to her to switch it off. She needs to develop strategies to recognise unhealthy viewing.

The influence of pornography on Gen Z is far-reaching. If we want to raise sons and daughters who have a healthy respect for themselves, others and sexuality, we need to be discussing sex topics. The biggest concern I hear from parents is they are worried about telling their kids too much too soon. I say, take a deep breath and dive right in. It’s far better to tell them in age appropriate increments and allow them to ask questions, than have their first knowledge of sex come from an episode of the latest sitcom or a flash encounter with an adult-only site.

In a healthy safe environment, kids take in what they are ready for. If it’s too much information, just like an overdose of vitamins, they won’t absorb it. However viewing inappropriate visual images leaves a biochemical imprint on the brain, so they need a safe place to come and discuss if this occurs. It’s important you have firmly established yourself as a reliable authority on sexuality prior to teenage years, when both peers and porn culture have the potential to become the dominating voice.

Parents have more power than what they give themselves credit for. A recent survey indicated that eight out of ten teens say it would be much easier to delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents. And six in ten teens wish they were able to talk more openly about relationships with their parents. You can preserve the emotional and physical wellbeing of your teen by talking to them about what it takes to recognize, develop, and maintain a healthy relationship.

On the flip side, if the only message teens receive about sex is from peers or media (which places no importance on intimacy or sexual wellbeing) they have the potential to engage in early sexual activity, have more sexual partners, be at greater risk for STIs and engage in other high risk behaviours such as taking drugs and binge drinking.

Use every-day opportunities for learning experiences, such as advertisements on the back of toilet doors. Ask your teen if they know the facts about chlamydia or human papilloma virus (and be sure you know the answers before you ask.) It’s imperative our young people are aware of sexually transmitted infections, contraceptive use and screening. Since the sexual revolution in the sixties, STIs have skyrocketed from 1 in 50 sexually active people contracting an STI to now 1 in 4. It turns out our youth aren’t bullet proof, with around 70% of STI cases in the 15 – 24 year old age bracket. Some of these are viral and remain for life; others are treatable with antibiotics yet can leave a young person infertile if undetected.

Talk about sex when the learning opportunity presents and give them space to ask questions. It doesn’t have to be a full on discussion. Give bite-sized pieces which leave them keen to come back for more. Flipping out over something ‘shocking’ is a sure way to close the door on further conversations, so be mindful of any personal hang-ups which may need to be addressed in order for you to be more effective.

Keep a watchful eye on any boyfriend / girlfriend break-ups and how it makes them feel. It might seem like harmless ‘puppy love’, but emotional baggage can sometimes lead to feelings of depression and worthlessness. It’s important to reassure your teen of how valuable they are as an individual and to offer support, regardless of what they are going through.

In amongst all this, aim to be the loudest voice in your teens life without being the “blah, blah, blah”. Talking about how beautiful sex can be in an intimate relationship gives them an appreciation of its value.

Despite common myths, young people don’t run out and have sex when it’s discussed in a healthy learning environment. If teens know sex holds incredible value in creating a loving and trusting bond within a committed relationship, they are more likely to wait for emotional and cognitive maturity before participating in this important life decision.

Liz Walker is an author, speaker and graduate student in Sexual Health through Sydney University. The work she does with youth include educational presentations on sexuality for both teens and parents; and training community members such as youth support workers, teachers and suitably qualified volunteers to implement GET A GRIP teenz™: a self-awareness & educational program on life, relationships and the body. Liz blogs on teen sexual health and relationships at http://girlzfreedom.wordpress.com/ and information about the GET A GRIP Youth Wellbeing Project can be found at www.getagripteenz.com

You can follow her on twitter here: http://twitter.com/GirlzFreedom

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My Mind is Soup

Written on March 29th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, March 2011

Argh, you guys, I’ve missed blogging on here so much. As promised, I’m going to tell you what’s been going on with the blog.

Ok. As you can see, there is a new theme in progress here. I was slowly working on that. Then, I posted a giveaway at night, and by morning, my blog was gone. With a lovely little ‘account suspended’ page. Bugger. After that, I got an email from Just Host, stating the bleedin’ obvious: ‘we suspended your account. You have gone over the 10% usage of the server, etc. You need to now go from paying $2.95 per month to $150 per month for a dedicated server. Because we’re so happy with you being such a loyal customer and all, that $150 per month is a ‘special’ price just for you!’ Laughably, there was a link at the bottom asking, ‘how did we do?’

Hmm.. doesn’t feel as special as the $2.95 did. Did I add that my account was pulled with no warning whatsoever? Well, it was. Just Host has pulled this stunt on many, many bloggers. I told them to send me my backup files. Of course, I planned to move to another web host. I received an email from Just Host saying ‘ok, we’ll just optimise your account now’. I asked them, ‘do you understand I’m moving to another host?’ To which they replied basically, with an ‘oops!’ Bloody idiots…

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it took much longer than expected to get Just Host to even release my domain over to the new host. They will not hand over the photos I had hosted with them, so rather than beat my head against a brick wall any longer, I’m just going through the tedious process of manually hunting down photos on my computer and elsewhere, and inserting them one by one into each post. The new theme installation is unrelated to this suspension, but of course, that still needs to be completed too.

So yeah, not thrilled to have so much to do. Screw you Just Host, screw you. Oh, and don’t worry, I’ll fill in your tossy little survey and tell you how you did, don’t worry!

The most mortifying part was that some readers tried to enter the giveaway, and it disappeared. Equally mortifying, was working with so many great PR reps, and sponsors and having to explain this situation over and over again. I had just set up an email account via the Hear Mum Roar domain and redirected it through gmail, so my emails became glitchy and impossible to communicate that way. To all who’ve been inconvenienced, I’m sincerely sorry.

I’m trying to catch up on the pile of emails that have built up, and am just about there. Ditto for comments on this blog. I always like to answer all comments, and have been frustratingly overwhelmed by everything.

In other news, my partner didn’t end up needing to go to hospital after all, which, to be honest, was a gigantic relief. He has a brilliant new worker who’s really stepped up to the plate and started demanding he actually get treated. So, basically, because his other worker did such a lousy job, that’s why my man ended up in such a bad place with his illness. It wasn’t really being treated, which led to total and utter deterioration of his mental well being. He should never have gotten so bad to have needed to be admitted, had the previous worker done his job. So, although I”m probably not making it sound like it, things are going well for him now. It has been a little hard because his medication has seen him asleep (or more accurately, comatose) all day everyday, but we’re assured he’ll be trying something new this week that won’t have that impact.

My son is so much happier now that he gets to keep his dad at home, and that has been marvelous. I’ll still write the rest of the anger series though, promise! For the most part, we’re all doing really well, just fighting off a flu.

Lastly, but definitely not least, is that my mother had a stroke last week in the afternoon, and another one in hospital later that night. It’s been pretty scary. A week on, she has a lot of work ahead of her, but the doctors are very pleased with her progress which has been well beyond their expectations of what she would be capable of. I’m going to try to visit her in a few weeks’ time, once she’s allowed visitors and my partner’s got his meds sorted.

So yes, my mind is soup right now. A variety of thoughts, jobs and demands all slushed together to make something else. Oddly though, I feel as though things are going to start getting better and I look forward to it.

I also have to thank the awesome Violet for offering to help me with finishing the layout, just for the sake of being a good friend. Thank you so much! I haven’t taken her up on it, but am so grateful to know that I have someone willing to help lighten the load.

In the meantime, please be patient, and accept my apology for this post sounding so much like a damn country song! I loathe country music…

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Flying Solo For a While

Written on February 9th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, February 2011

Hey guys, just thought I’d do a quick post to update you on a new situation in our home. I mentioned recently that my partner was going to be admitted to hospital again soon. This is so he can get further treatment for his OCD. I’ve been very happy with his current prescribed medications, but the psych feels that he needs to be admitted quite urgently. As far as we know, the plan is for my man to go on Tuesday, that could change slightly, depending on what’s available. I’ll talk in more detail about this a little further down the track. At the moment, the past few months in regards to his illness have been far too raw for me to write about at length, and I feel that I’d be more comfortable doing this once there’s some distance behind it.

Whilst he’s in hospital, he’ll be exposed to things which make him anxious, and taught techniques to help him to learn how to deal with this. They’ll also tweak his medication, which is great news for us, because it means it can happen much more quickly if he has medical supervision and observation.

In the last weeks of December last year, we found out that this would be happening. The situation in our household had reached crisis point, and I was looking forward to him getting treatment I could see he needed, plus, if I’m honest, I was looking forward to a break from the demands his illness places on me. I know that sounds awful, but that’s how out of hand things were becoming.

How naive was I? A couple of weeks ago, I sent him to hospital in an ambulance for a seizure he had at home, and he stayed a few days. Oh my god! It was anything but a break. I forgot how much the kids play up when he’s gone. I forgot how busy it all gets, all of it. So it’s fair to say that I’m nervous about how the two little ones are going to cope, and in turn, how I’ll cope with them. Of course, I know I’ll get through it, there’s no question about that at all. I’m just trying to be a little more prepared this time.

I’m eternally grateful to my carer support worker. She is my sounding board, she helps me to come up with strategies to help things function better around here and most importantly, when I’m doubting if I’m saying the right things to my partner when he’s not doing great, she helps to tell me if she thinks I’m doing well, and if not, has brilliant suggestions on how I could approach tricky situations better next time. She’s stepped right up to the plate on hearing about this hospital admission, and is prepared to help ensure that I get any respite support I need. Bless her! And the respite workers.

In time, I’m going to have a lot to say about helping children through situations like this, and hopefully it can be of help to someone else out there. I’m going to try to keep writing as much as I can, but I also know that I’m going to be incredibly busy here at home. The difference between this hospital stay and the last one is that this time, he’s being admitted indefinitely. I’ve never hated that word so much in my life as I do right now. To quote the guy who is overseeing his booking, ‘however long it takes’ is what we can expect. I think that’s what I am struggling with most, here. I feel as though that’s going to make it harder to give my kids the security of an answer, as I know they will miss him terribly.

In other news, I will be upgrading the layout of this blog during this time. I wanted to fix up the layout straight after Violet worked her magic on my new graphics, but hey, life gets in the way sometimes. Anyway, I figured, despite how busy I’m going to be, I know I’m going to need something to fill those lonely nights, so this will be it. I’ll try to ensure that these changes disrupt the blog as little as possible in the meantime, but if it does, please just bear with me.

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Quiet Time With Caterpillars

Written on February 5th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Cognitive, Experiences, February 2011, Language, Preschool aged, School aged, Toddler

Ok, I know it’s really hard to see the caterpillars in this jar. But I promise you, there’s loads of the buggers in there. I should know. I was sitting outside, trying to enjoy a quiet cup of dandelion tea away from the chaos inside, when they were climbing all over my legs.

I went back inside, to face the noise and arguments of my two younger children. It was afternoon, they’d played everything, done everything, and were at a loose end. I racked my brains as to what I could get them to do that would get them engrossed, happy and above all, quiet. Preferably for a long time. And aside from waiting until we get our own chooks to eat up all the caterpillars, how the hell was I going to get rid of them? Normally they don’t bother me, but there were so many of them and they were becoming a nuisance.

Sometimes, two problems come together to form a solution when you’re a mum, don’t they? I scooped as many caterpillars into a jar with some grass as I could. I plonked it on the table inside and told the kids to look at it. Was there ever a simpler way to keep kids quiet for a cranky mum than this?

They looked at it for ages. They were so excited! They talked about the colour of the caterpillars, about what they like to eat, how they turn into butterflies. Missy 10 is handy to have around at times like this, as she stores so much animal trivia in her head! She told them that some butterflies like to eat their cocoon, that some caterpillars shoot out poison and it can sting and make you itchy (spitfires).

Once they lost interest, I emptied the jar back into the yard, but thankfully, further away from our house where they were bothering me. They haven’t been back. It’s amazing how things just sort themselves out somedays, isn’t it?

Other reading:

Dealing with anger in children

Sibling rivalry solutions

Motherhood: cinch or sentence?

How do I stop tantrums?

Learning through everyday play

Teaching kindness to animals

Is it ever ok to lose your cool?

Evening adventure

Keepin’ it real

Slow down

Finding the time to do it all – time saving tips

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What I did on the first day back to school

Written on February 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, February 2011, In the home, Organisation, School aged

There’s something about starting a new school year that makes me want to try to make life easier each year. A few days leading up to the new school term, I began trying a new system to manage my time and get a little more done.

After years of going off and on Flylady with varying levels of success, I’ve started dedicating only two hours per day to cleaning the house. Flylady bangs on about doing fifteen minutes a day for all these different jobs, and I was always frustrated to find that before I knew it, I’d be cleaning all day if I followed her system. Really, that’s not how I want to live my life. Two hours per day is still more time than I usually spend anyway, so it seems to be accomplishing more.

What I do, is I pick out the most disastrous looking areas of the house first, and start with those. As time goes on, the house looks a little bit better everyday, and I’m finding it easier to keep on top of things. Here’s yesterday’s disaster I found after Missy 10 trotted off to school:

Yep, it’s our very own dumping ground, *blush*. That’s where the bills and school notes were getting plonked, then lost. When we needed a bill or note, we had buckley’s of finding it on time. Not to mention how difficult it was to open the microwave, clean it or let the vents on the sides breathe. I thought this was a perfect place to start, as I knew my daughter would be bringing notes home, and I wanted to start out the year having a proper place for them.

Here, I’ve decluttered the area, and created a yellow folder. In the folder, Missy 10 has been instructed that this is where all of her school notes will be placed as soon as she gets home from school. Once they’re out of date, we’ll remove them. We already have an expanding folder for our bills, so it was a matter of just putting them in the right place. All the other clutter simply needed to be put back in its place or thrown out. You can just imagine how much time we wasted with all this junk piling up when we were looking for something, or trying to use the microwave.

Now, obviously, this wasn’t the only job I got done in an hour, but I thought this was a great example of a starting point to better organisation in the new school year.

I’ll be sticking with this system, because I’m amazed at what I can get done in two hours. Once the two hours are finished, I stop for the day. I either let the two younger kids help me as I go, or give them a play activity, or they play together with their own made-up game. The first day I tried doing just two hours a day of cleaning, I got the lounge room floor vacuumed, the kitchen floor swept and mopped, four loads of laundry washed and in varying stages of drying, lots of forgotten laundry put away and a heap of decluttering. By focusing on the jobs in most desperate need of being done, it means that everyone in the house is much calmer. Things are being dealt with that need to be, and our living space is feeling more pleasant again.

And now I want the dirt from you guys: where is YOUR disaster area, that you dump all your crap on? Spill!

Other reading:

Pushing kids to do their best

How to get rid of flies

How to clean carpet naturally

Students’ homework: how much should we help?

Decluttering and recycling at the same time

Home made air freshener

How to unblock your sink without using poisons

Finding the time to do it all – time saving tips

School supplies on a budget

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Childhood regression

Written on January 30th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, Preschool aged, School aged, Social, Toddler

Has your potty-trained child ever started to suddenly struggle with their toileting? Have you ever had a four year old start throwing tantrums all over again, right when you thought you were past all that? Has your preschooler ever suddenly become clingy to you, almost wanting to be ‘babied’ by you? You’re not alone, and it’s perfectly normal.

When a child regresses in their behaviour or in their development, it can really freak us parents out! We just get comfortable after our child becomes more competent at new skills, they become more independent and we look forward to just a little bit of smooth sailing for a little while. Then this happens! We sometimes worry where we’ve gone wrong, did we miss something?

Mr 4 has been regressing in a lot of areas lately at home. He’s gone ‘backwards’ in his potty training, is becoming more clingy towards me, has started having the occasional (but explosive!) tantrum here and there and generally seeks out situations where he can be ‘babied’ by me. He also tries to create situations to get more attention from me after he’s gone to bed than usual.

Usually when our children start acting out of character in different ways all at once, it’s enough to trigger most parents into realising that something’s awry. We have an instinct for a reason, and when our child shows regressive behaviour, it’s time to listen to that instinct.

What can cause regression in a child?

This list is not exhaustive, but there are many situations that can cause a child to regress:

- Death of a family member, friend or pet

- Divorce or separation

- Moving to a new home

- A sick parent/guardian or sibling

- When a parent/guardian starts a new job

- Starting a new childcare centre/preschool/school

- Being bullied at school

- Pregnancy/the birth of a new sibling

- Unrest in the household (for example, parents arguing frequently, domestic violence, etc)

- Sometimes, as a child gains a lot of independence, it can lead to feelings of insecurity of not being the baby anymore.

….and the list goes on.

As a parent, in most cases, you’d be aware of your child’s situation, except for bullying (but we can probe for that!). When you scan this list, I’m sure you’ll have noticed that there is a common thread in most of these causes: change. To begin to understand your child’s regression, looking for major changes in your child’s life is a great place to start.

With Mr 4, we pinpointed his regression as being related to his father’s recent stint in hospital again, along with the knowledge that my partner will be going back to hospital again soon. Another significant aspect of our home life for us to consider was the fact that everyday, my son watches me care for my partner, helping him with his medicine and tasks he finds difficult. Also, because my partner has severe OCD, our sons sees his dad have meltdowns, and me talking him down from it.

Mr 4 has a two year old sister who’s begun potty training, and despite her constant fights for independence, needs more help from me generally than he does. Honestly, is it any wonder he’s reacting this way? Having talked to him about this, he feels that help or care, is equivalent to love. In his eyes, the person getting the most help, is getting the most love. Simply put, he wants a piece of the pie!

During our talk, I let him know that he can have love from me anytime he wants. He doesn’t have to have a ‘need’ for me to do something for him. Anytime he wants to, he can ask me for a kiss, or a cuddle. I can put aside time during the day to play with him, or he can hang out with me while I’m doing other things. When he’s my helper, that’s special time together too.

Most importantly, I made it clear to him that Missy 2 isn’t always going to be so needy. She’s potty training, and soon will be able to go to the toilet by herself, without any help from me. He realises now that she’s doing more and more things for herself everyday, so that makes him feel a little better. I drew his attention to the fact that as I help his dad, I’m working on helping him to be able to more things for himself, too, and that he’s slowly getting better.

I’m finding in the past week or two, he’s still quite fragile about things, but instead of reverting to regressive behaviour, is taking advantage of those other ways we talked about for him and I to spend time together. We spent one afternoon with him making a ‘parcel’ from the postie, over and over again. He simply got a box, filled it with different toys, and delivered it to me with a grin: ‘I’ve got a parcel for you!’ Then I would admire all the wonderful ‘surprises’ he’d given me. He chats with me, does chores with me, watches me do things, and asks me for lots and lots of cuddles!

Does this mean I wasn’t available or providing opportunities for this to happen before this happened? Of course not! It’s just that he hadn’t made the distinction that I was there for him as well, it’s just that he didn’t need the same sort of help that his sister and dad needed. That the love and time I give him usually, counts in just the same way.

The other thing that I’m doing to deal with this, is I’m giving him lots of opportunities to talk about his fears, worries and feelings in general. Basically, I find that when my children have regressed, after I find out the cause, I talk with them about it as well as try to replace this new behaviour with something a little healthier. I’ve not had the need yet for my children to ever have counselling over any big changes in their lives, but if I felt it was needed, I’d provide it in a heartbeat.

I’d love to hear everyone else’s tips on how they deal with their children’s regressive times in life.

Other reading:
Finding the source of your child’s anger

Helping kids to make choices

Emotional development – how to help children talk about feelings

Reflective listening

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Letting your child witness birth: is it immoral?

Written on January 28th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Baby, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, School aged, Social

I follow many facebook ‘like’ pages, and one conversation that appeared in my feed inspired me to write today. It was at Designer Mama’s page. The question was raised about whether or not it was appropriate for children to witness the birth of their siblings. As a mother who has allowed this, obviously I have strong opinions about this.

This photo was taken minutes after I cleaned up after giving birth to my son. As you can see, my eldest daughter was right there with us, looking happy and unscathed.

There was quite a bit of negative discussion on this facebook page about this topic (including questioning the morals of mums who do this), so I felt moved to share our story. I also knew that sharing on the facebook page would not give me enough space to express my feelings fully.

When I fell pregnant with my second child, my eldest daughter was five years old. She already had three step siblings who don’t live with us, and was so excited that I was having a baby. This would be a new brother or sister for her that would be raised with her! More importantly to her, she was going to finally be a big sister.

In the first five months of my pregnancy, my daughter was being homeschooled at the time. She was attending all of my appointments at the birthing centre with me. It’s important to point out here, that by this time, she had asked me how the baby would come out, and had been told all about vaginal birth. We told her that’s how she was born, and probably this next child would be born that way, too. We also had already told her about c section births as well, that some mothers need that option when vaginal birth doesn’t work out for them.

One day, my daughter said to me, ‘am I going to be left at home alone when you go to the hospital to have the baby?’ We told her, of course not! We would make sure someone would look after her. She then asked me if she could come to the hospital to watch the baby’s birth. My partner and I told her we needed to talk about that idea first, then we’d get back to her.

Now, this wasn’t a first for my partner. He had been married before, and his then wife had an emergency home birth (in other words, not by choice) and their eldest child witnessed the whole thing (he was four years old at the time), also not by choice. Everything happened so quickly, there was no time to find something else for him to do.

My partner’s eldest son from his first marriage handled the situation quite well, and as children, he and his sister had a very good bond with one another. So, we knew it could work, and saw the positives. My partner and I were still worried, though. Just because one child handles a situation well, doesn’t mean all children will. We wanted, like all parents, to protect our child from any unnecessary trauma.

We laid down some ground rules. We told our daughter that she could come to the birth, but only if she was prepared to do certain things first.

1) If she watched some birthing dvds beforehand and still felt fine about coming, she could come. If she wasn’t prepared to watch the dvds, then we believed that she wasn’t ready for witnessing our birth, either. We didn’t force her to watch the dvds, but not watching them would mean she’d need to stay at home with a sitter. We felt this was more than fair, and so did our daughter. We wanted her to have some insight into what she could expect to happen. We told her if she changed her mind at any time and didn’t want to go, that was fine.

2) We gave her lots of books to read about giving birth. These were picture books, and were very informative for her.

3) If she was scared during the birth at any time, she could leave the room.

4) We would have a babysitter attend the birth to look after her.

The midwives at the birthing centre were very supportive of our choice to let our daughter attend the birth. They loaned me dozens of birthing dvds (we chose dvds that mostly featured water birth, as that was my plan for this birth) and books for my daughter to read. We discussed all material that our daughter read or watched at great length. We continually asked her if she wanted to change her mind, and made it clear it was ok to do that. She was adamant. She did not want to miss this birth for the world! I think it’s important to mention here that my eldest daughter is obsessed with science and has always been this way. She is naturally very inquisitive, to the point where she will gladly witness something quite revolting in the name of science!

Given that my first birth had been a 12 hour birth (but had a lot of intervention), my partner and I gave plenty of thought to how our five year old daughter would spend her time during the birth. I was shown the birthing centre room, there was a lounge suite with a tv and dvd player, a double bed and a bathroom. We let her pack a bag of things she’d like to do, and told her she could also watch tv, sleep or go play outside with an adult if she got bored or tired. The birthing centre also had a kitchenette, and my daughter and partner enjoyed some raisin toast in the first hour of my birth.

At one appointment, my daughter and I were walking past the hospital kiosk, when she noticed the ‘it’s a boy!’ and ‘it’s a girl!’ balloons for sale. She thought these were the most wonderful idea! We promised her that when the baby was born, it’d be her job to go to the kiosk with dad to choose one for the baby, and Dad would buy it. Now she she was really psyched.

I won’t recount the entire birth here, as I’ve already shared my birthing stories as much as I intend to. But I will share here what’s relevant to the topic. On the day my waters broke, it was quite early in the morning. The sun was just coming up. We woke our daughter, and hot-footed it to the hospital. That’s why my daughter looks quite bedraggled in the photo above, because she’d just gotten out of bed a few hours ago, and thrown on the first clothes she found!

We ended up abandoning our idea of bringing in a babysitter, as we felt we didn’t have enough time to make arrangements and get me to hospital. As it turned out, the whole thing was over pretty quickly.

Plan B without a babysitter was that my partner would take care of her during the birth. This worked very well for us, because this was a nice, easy birth. It was a short birth, so our worries about our daughter getting bored went out the window. She stayed to watch the whole thing. The biggest problem she had, was that because I was water birthing, she wanted to get closer to the action to see what was going on! But never mind…

After my son was born, he floated under water for a little while, then the midwife asked me to pick him up out of the water. As I carefully did this, I heard my girl shrieking, ‘oh, he’s so cute!’ For all the pain I’d just gone through, my five year old daughter helped to reinforce that this whole birth was a joyful time. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited, holding my new baby boy in my arms, but I love the fact that my daughter’s presence just made the whole experience so much more blissful.

Her and my partner ended up like two silly, excited little kids together! It was so funny. They went to buy the balloon as I cleaned up, and I think my daughter loved that ‘it’s a boy!’ balloon more than our son.

We made sure to give our daughter plenty of chances to talk about the birth afterward, and mostly her memories from it are how cute her brother looked, and the funny sound he made soon after. Another mum friend from my daughter’s school told me that her daughter found out from my girl, that babies come out of the mother’s vagina. She said she was a bit miffed, but then she joked that, ‘oh well, you’ve saved me the awkwardness of having to tell her!’

I have found that with such a wide age gap, my daughter who is now ten, and my son who is now four, have an extremely tight bond. I’m so relieved, because when my daughter found out I was having a boy (via ultrasound), she was sorely disappointed. Those first few weeks were obviously hard for my daughter to adjust to not being the only child in this house anymore. However, I feel that having witnessed the birth, she was more compassionate towards me. I tried to give her as much attention as I could (which is always a challenge with a newborn), but she was very understanding of how tired and sore I was because she was there to see why.

I like knowing that when she gets to the age that her peers are having sex, she will have the awareness that sex is not a decision to take lightly. Pregnancy is not something to take lightly. And although I’ve let her witness that birth is a painful thing, I’m so glad that her first exposure to child birth was a positive, relaxed one.

Once I fell pregnant with our third child, of course we asked her again if she’d like to be at the birth. Early on, she wanted to. We had decided that our son, who would be two months shy of two years old, shouldn’t be at the birth. We toyed with the idea of having him there with a babysitter, but it just didn’t feel right. We organised a babysitter for our son at home during the birth, and once our eldest daughter found out about it, she didn’t want to miss out on whatever fun our son was having, so she decided to stay home too.

The birth of our last child was much tougher than our son’s. I’m so glad my children weren’t there for it. I went to the hospital in the morning and stayed there the whole day with nothing happening. By the afternoon, I was induced, but nothing really happened until the evening. The birth itself took six hours. I had complications; labour wasn’t progressing for a while, my daughter had her umbilical cord strangling her, and for a short while, it looked like I was going to need an emergency c section. Thankfully, I didn’t.

I think my children would not have handled the lengthy process of this. I don’t think they would’ve handled the fact that we had to move from the birthing centre to the delivery suite. The facilities in the delivery suite were dreadful for children, and I was having severe anxiety about being there myself, due to a bad experience last time I gave birth there (with my first child).

Do I believe all children should witness childbirth? No. I don’t believe children should ever be forced to be present at a birth against their wishes. I believe sometimes it happens by accident, and I’d imagine parents would have to deal with any repercussions afterward. Do I believe that parents who choose to allow their children at a birth are immoral? Of course not!

The only advice I’d give to anyone thinking of this (who actually wants advice, of course!), is to think about your potential for complications. Think about your child’s personality. If you’re planning this, prepare them, arm them with knowledge. Make sure you talk to them after the birth. Also, as a mother, ask yourself how it will affect you. If you think it’d be too distracting, that’s important to consider. My daughter at one stage when I was on all fours in agony, asked me for more raisin toast! I said, ‘ah, I’m kind of busy right now, babe…’ thankfully, my partner stepped in and got it for her! Because it was an easier birth, these distractions were, well, distracting, but not a problem for me at all. If any of my kids had distracted me during my last birth, they may have gotten their heads bitten off.

I asked my daughter today, now that she’s ten, how she feels about having been at the birth of her brother. She said, ‘man, that was a long time ago.’ I asked her if it was scary, gross, etc. She said, ‘it was a bit gross’. I asked her if she wishes she hadn’t gone to it, or if she’s glad. She told me she’s glad she went. I asked her how she feels about giving birth one day herself. She shrugged and said, ‘I really don’t know. I don’t think about it.’

Of course, now I’d like to hear from others. Have you ever allowed your child to be present at any of your births? Would you? How do you feel about it?

Other reading:

Regressive behaviour in children

Helping kids to make choices

Sibling rivalry solutions

Birth stories:

Remembering the birth of my son

She’s all grown up..

My eldest daughter is 10!

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Having second thoughts about this caffeine thing

Written on January 24th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Health and beauty, January 2011, Parenting

Alright, so that looks like a bit of an improvement after yesterday’s, ‘oh my god, do I really look like that all the time??’ photo.

I woke up this morning, clear as a bell. Bluebirds twittered around my shoulders and a butterfly perched itself on my daintily outstretched hand. Well, not really, but that’s how good I felt. No aches, no more stomach cramps, I had a fantastic night’s sleep, and was in a brilliant mood.

I could see this thing working out. I find everyday with this withdrawal process, it gets harder as the day progresses. I try to keep my days slow and quiet (as much as you can imagine given the age of my children!), and that’s helped me get this far. In the afternoon, I started getting irritable, had mild headaches and joint aches. Nothing too major.

So why is it, that last night I began obsessing and fantasizing about binging myself silly on coke zero? Not tea, I wouldn’t bother for tea. This afternoon, I started telling my fiance all the reasons why it’d be ok if I did. We both knew I was trying to justify my addiction! I am considering just allowing myself to have one a day to wean off it slowly. But then, there’s this other, rational side of me that can see the hardest part is almost over. The best is yet to come.

I have to go now, because sitting in front of the computer and the twinkly lights on the screen has triggered a nasty migraine, but I’ll let you know how this god forsaken thing pans out.

Other reading:

Caffeine withdrawal

Still quitting caffeine

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Still Quitting Caffeine

Written on January 23rd, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Health and beauty, January 2011

So, this is what Day 2 looks like. I know I look like a deer in the headlights, or a train wreck. I think I look quite pale! I still feel quite crappy, but I can feel underneath all the horrible symptoms this ‘sparkle’ trying to creep through. It’s hard to describe, but the easiest way to put it is that I feel I’m much cleaner on the inside.

Last night was a dreadful night. I went to bed, and spent a summer night, under a wool doona, shivering. I felt, and still feel, like a frail old woman. Every joint in my body was throbbing in pain, screaming for caffeine. As my forehead pounded, I kept telling myself that my body was lying to me, and to listen to the truth: the clean feeling underneath it all.

It’s not as tempting to go back to caffeine by now as I thought it’d be. I can see how sick it’s been making me. I can’t allow myself to go back to it. If I do, then all this pain and feeling so sick, will have been a waste.

This morning, I feel as though a migraine is trying to take over, so I won’t be on the computer for very long. I was so stiff in all my joints, that I had to spend a lot of time stretching after getting out of bed. But surely that’s better for me than reaching for a coke or a tea? I feel weak, and I can’t stop sniffling and sneezing.

Thanks for all the encouragement so far. Whenever I’ve thought about doing this in the past, I’ve always dismissed the idea, because there’s this vibe I get from society that it’s too hard, can’t be done, etc. I’ve never really seen a good example of anyone doing it. This is why I thought I’d document this in action, so if anyone is curious about what happens, they can decide for themselves.

As revolting as I feel and look, I know this is going to make me a healthier, better functioning person.

Caffeine Withdrawal

Written on January 22nd, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Health and beauty, January 2011

I’ve got this long-standing coke zero addiction. Before zero was invented, it was diet coke. If I can’t get that, I’ll drink black tea. I used to drink it without sugar, but in the past few years, I’ve had to have sugar. I can’t drink coffee, as I’m allergic. Anyway. This addiction is messing up my life. I’m usually dehydrated, because if there is coke in the house I will choose it over water every single time. And I love water.

I have chronic sleep problems, aching joints, headaches and irritability, usually. I’ve been off caffeine for a day now. I’ve been taking it easy as much as I can. I had a mild headache up until the afternoon, then things got a little hard to bear. I’ve been guzzling water all day long, and as much as I feel rotten, I can feel that my body is also thanking me for the hydration.

It’s night time now, I’ve had a big nap, and I still have a cracking headache. My joints hurt more, I have heartburn, nausea, I feel exhausted. I’m starting to feel a little bit of crankiness creeping in. I’m so blessed that my partner is functioning quite well at the moment, as we think we’ve finally found the perfect medication for him. Of course, he’s not cured, but thank god he’s been able to take up the slack as I do this. I figure this is a time to grab this opportunity with both hands.

My partner, worried as partners do, suggested he go get me some caffeine. I was heartily tempted. But despite how lousy I feel, I think I’m get addicted back to hydration. I’m realising if this is how bad I feel coming off, then it’s a problem I want to deal with. Like a good book, I want to see how this ends.

I’ve been googling about the withdrawal stage, and was alarmed to discover that it gets worse; vomitting, flu like symptoms, etc. Oh well. Bring it on…

I decided to document my progress with photos, plus I’m behind on my See Mum Shine Challenge anyway. Here’s how I looked when I was finally able to smile: