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Walk or Scream?

Written on May 7th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, Good times, May 2011, Relationships, Soap box

Although tomorrow is Mothers’ Day, I’ve already got my presents. I’ve been given a delish cake just the other day, and some cupcakes to munch on tonight. Mr 4 has even proudly presented me with a free magazine from the supermarket and coyly told me, ‘this is for you, Mum’. Missy 10 has told me she can’t wait to give me the present she made for Mothers’ Day.

So, I’m all set. Feeling nice and appreciated. I hope for the same for all mothers everywhere tomorrow. If you’ve been reading, you’ll know I recently got to ring my mother on her birthday. I’ll be ringing her again for Mothers’ Day tomorrow.

A little back story for those of you who don’t know: a few months ago, my mum, who is quite young, had two strokes in one day. (Well, technically, one in the evening, then one later that night). She’s now in rehab, and has been learning to swallow food and fluids again. She’s already mastered this, after a lot of hard work. She’s also been working on getting more movement in her right arm/hand, walking and doing more things for herself.

She needs to spend eight hours a day working on her program. It’s highly intensive work, including time in the gym, having electrodes on her to stimulate her arm and doing many other tasks that would be menial to most of us, over and over again. Constant repetition.

She was admitted into rehab sooner than was expected, because her progress was astounding, even at that point. Everything she’s acheived so far, has happened much, much earlier than is the norm, none of the staff expected any of it.

The result of her putting in so much hard work, has meant that she’s also now walking. Not all the time, but a little more everyday. A few days ago, she was asked to walk down the corridor so everyone could see her do it, since they’d all heard she was now walking, but wanted to see (the staff have been wonderful, and excellent cheerleaders). She walked that corridor, and everyone who saw her cheered and clapped loudly. Her and my Dad were proud enough to burst.

When someone has a stroke, one big problem they can face is depression, which can hinder their progress drastically, if morale isn’t kept up. And yes, my mum does have days like this, but thankfully the good days sound as though they’re outweighing the depressing ones. She has the added bonus of having been given a more intensive program than she would normally have, because the staff know she’s so determined to put in the hard work. This has only made my parents happier.

When I talked to Dad on the phone yesterday, he told me there was another lady in the same situation as my mum. Staff put her in the wheelchair to take her to the gym, and she screamed the hospital down, ‘I don’t want to do it, don’t take me, I don’t want to do it!‘ and putting up quite a fight. The staff knew they couldn’t do anything to help her that day, so they put her back in bed.

My mum looked at Dad, and said, ‘that’s not me. I want to walk out of here.’

Although it’s a very simplistic story, and may not take into account what the other lady might’ve been going through, I still can’t help but be inspired by her attitude. It’s all about strength, knowing what you want, and working hard for it. Accepting the bad days, and trying bloody hard to ensure the good days outweigh them. I have been amazed three times in my life, watching all my children learn to walk over time. But how many of us get, as adults, to watch our own mother learn to walk all over again? That’s amazing.

My mother didn’t ask for a stroke or two. In fact, what’s eery about her stroke, is that a few hours before she had the first one, she and my father were talking about someone they knew who’d had a stroke and ended up being a vegetable for 20 years. My mum said to my dad, ‘I think that’s the worst thing that could ever happen. If that happens to me, please don’t let me be a vegetable!’ So you can imagine how frightened she was when she had hers.

It’s made me realise that when the tough times hit, as they do for all of us, at one time or another, that we have a choice. None of us ask for the tough times that are thrown our way. We can scream that we don’t want to do the things that could help get us out of our situation and refuse to do them, or we can decide what we want, then slowly and painstakingly walk out of it.

So, are you going to walk next time things don’t go your way, or are you going to scream?

Happy Mothers’ Day.

Influential sex-talk without the “blah, blah, blah…”

Written on May 1st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Care, Challenges, Emotional, May 2011, Parenting, Relationships, Social, Teens

This is a guest post from Liz Walker on an important topic for parents of teens, or even tweens.

Despite loud protests of “I’m going to do things better!” how are we fairing? Often the awkward moments with our parents discussing sex (or not discussing it at all) come rushing back to haunt us. The fears of “What does my child already know?”, “What if I tell them too much!” and “How can I keep the lines of communication open?” seem to churn through our mind like a washing machine spinning out of balance. As parents, the last thing we want to ponder is “how did our kids go from ‘cute and innocent’ to ‘got-it-all-together expert’ overnight?”

The difference between when we were kids and now is not too hard to see, however many of us have become desensitised to what has actually happened over the last 40 years. The web has completely rebooted the world. For instance, ‘Amazon’ has changed the way we shop; ‘EBay’ has changed the way we sell; ‘Google’ has changed the way we find information; ‘YouTube’ has changed the way we share experiences; ‘blogging’ has changed the way we share our thoughts and ‘Facebook’ has changed the way we relate to each other. Technology has shifted culture.

Gen X (parents of teens) were introduced to and wowed by technology… Gen Y has experienced and expect exponential advance… Gen Z (our kids) believe technology just ‘is’. Gen Z have never known life without the vast array of superefficient, ever advancing, ‘simple to use’ and ‘couldn’t live without’ technology. A great deal of technology is incredibly beneficial; however there are some pitfalls we need to be aware of when raising healthy teens to make smart choices about sex.

In dealing with the downside of media and technology, ask yourself a couple of questions. What messages has your child picked up about their worth? When they watch music clips, what are they being told about how they dress? When they hear another report on the news about rape, what message are they receiving about the value placed on another human being? When they see advertisements with men and women presented as sex symbols, how can parents effectively tell them about the beautiful gift of sexuality and intimacy?

These are messages no one can escape, so use them as learning points with your kids. Recently my youngest was watching music clips, usually listened to on her radio, but the imagery adds a whole other level of meaning. Bumping and grinding with minimal clothes is a soft porn message I don’t want her to absorb. So I asked her how it made her feel. “Uncomfortable”. This was the perfect opportunity to suggest that if it makes her feel yucky on the inside, it was up to her to switch it off. She needs to develop strategies to recognise unhealthy viewing.

The influence of pornography on Gen Z is far-reaching. If we want to raise sons and daughters who have a healthy respect for themselves, others and sexuality, we need to be discussing sex topics. The biggest concern I hear from parents is they are worried about telling their kids too much too soon. I say, take a deep breath and dive right in. It’s far better to tell them in age appropriate increments and allow them to ask questions, than have their first knowledge of sex come from an episode of the latest sitcom or a flash encounter with an adult-only site.

In a healthy safe environment, kids take in what they are ready for. If it’s too much information, just like an overdose of vitamins, they won’t absorb it. However viewing inappropriate visual images leaves a biochemical imprint on the brain, so they need a safe place to come and discuss if this occurs. It’s important you have firmly established yourself as a reliable authority on sexuality prior to teenage years, when both peers and porn culture have the potential to become the dominating voice.

Parents have more power than what they give themselves credit for. A recent survey indicated that eight out of ten teens say it would be much easier to delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents. And six in ten teens wish they were able to talk more openly about relationships with their parents. You can preserve the emotional and physical wellbeing of your teen by talking to them about what it takes to recognize, develop, and maintain a healthy relationship.

On the flip side, if the only message teens receive about sex is from peers or media (which places no importance on intimacy or sexual wellbeing) they have the potential to engage in early sexual activity, have more sexual partners, be at greater risk for STIs and engage in other high risk behaviours such as taking drugs and binge drinking.

Use every-day opportunities for learning experiences, such as advertisements on the back of toilet doors. Ask your teen if they know the facts about chlamydia or human papilloma virus (and be sure you know the answers before you ask.) It’s imperative our young people are aware of sexually transmitted infections, contraceptive use and screening. Since the sexual revolution in the sixties, STIs have skyrocketed from 1 in 50 sexually active people contracting an STI to now 1 in 4. It turns out our youth aren’t bullet proof, with around 70% of STI cases in the 15 – 24 year old age bracket. Some of these are viral and remain for life; others are treatable with antibiotics yet can leave a young person infertile if undetected.

Talk about sex when the learning opportunity presents and give them space to ask questions. It doesn’t have to be a full on discussion. Give bite-sized pieces which leave them keen to come back for more. Flipping out over something ‘shocking’ is a sure way to close the door on further conversations, so be mindful of any personal hang-ups which may need to be addressed in order for you to be more effective.

Keep a watchful eye on any boyfriend / girlfriend break-ups and how it makes them feel. It might seem like harmless ‘puppy love’, but emotional baggage can sometimes lead to feelings of depression and worthlessness. It’s important to reassure your teen of how valuable they are as an individual and to offer support, regardless of what they are going through.

In amongst all this, aim to be the loudest voice in your teens life without being the “blah, blah, blah”. Talking about how beautiful sex can be in an intimate relationship gives them an appreciation of its value.

Despite common myths, young people don’t run out and have sex when it’s discussed in a healthy learning environment. If teens know sex holds incredible value in creating a loving and trusting bond within a committed relationship, they are more likely to wait for emotional and cognitive maturity before participating in this important life decision.

Liz Walker is an author, speaker and graduate student in Sexual Health through Sydney University. The work she does with youth include educational presentations on sexuality for both teens and parents; and training community members such as youth support workers, teachers and suitably qualified volunteers to implement GET A GRIP teenz™: a self-awareness & educational program on life, relationships and the body. Liz blogs on teen sexual health and relationships at http://girlzfreedom.wordpress.com/ and information about the GET A GRIP Youth Wellbeing Project can be found at www.getagripteenz.com

You can follow her on twitter here: http://twitter.com/GirlzFreedom

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Ironing out the kinks in relationship conflicts

Written on August 13th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in August 2010, Relationships

I feel like I bring this up all the time on my blog, but hey, this is my life and what is going on. My fiance after his poisoning from work last year is still having a lot of issues. He has acquired new allergies due to the attack on his immune system. He has had hallucinations, paranoia, suspected OCD, lung damage, heart damage, seizures, circulatory problems in his leg, the list goes on. All these symptoms have developed slowly over time, creeping up on us just after we’ve learnt how to manage the previous one.

Sometimes I don’t recognize my ‘new’ partner. Before his new medication, I would regularly tell him that I missed him and wanted the old ‘him’ back. The good news is that the medication did just that. But it’s still almost like sometimes we’re at the beginning of a new relationship, with me getting to know new parts to a new personality. And I know he has felt over all this time, that he doesn’t know himself at times.

When he has a new symptom relating to his brain function and we’re not yet aware of it, is when our relationship is put to the test. It usually begins with him becoming frustrated and irritable, and ends with me not understanding why he’s so cranky, and lashing back as a result. What we’re then left to deal with is a high stress environment. I’m sharing this because I feel as though we are entering into a new phase of our relationship, and I’m amazed at how much it is teaching us.

His latest symptom, which we only pinpointed a day or so ago, has been his new inability to mentally find and choose which words he wants to put into a sentence when he is trying to communicate. As any family would know, this parenting gig is quite busy and high paced already without this thrown into the mix! Sometimes when my partner and I are dealing with the kids and the home during the day, we have quite a few things going on at any given time.

One time recently, my fiance was trying to ask me to do something quickly. I was in the middle of doing something else, the dog was weaving around my legs, then the cat would bolt past, and Missy 2 would start screaming. My man began his sentence, then suddenly stopped talking and just stood there. Being so distracted, I didn’t pick up on his extreme frustration, confusion and nor did I appreciate just how hard he was trying. I yelled, ‘what do you want me to do? What? What? Hurry up and just say it! I’ve got stuff to do you, know!’ And he, frustrated at my rudeness, yelled back, ‘I can’t think of the words, ok?’

We went on to have quite a few of these exchanges which were, as you can imagine, unpleasant and stressful. One night after the kids were all asleep in bed, his problem with words reared its head again. Along with my nasty, ‘will you just make your point??’ With time to deal with this issue finally, and an awareness that this problem was recurring on a regular basis, we discussed it.

He explained to me that he’s been not remembering his words lately and it’s frustrating for him to communicate things. That he felt stupid and didn’t know why it was happening. I thought this over, and suggested we had a new symptom. He agreed, and that lovely lightbulb switched on for us. He also told me that when I goaded and pressured him about it, that it made it harder, if not impossible at that time to get it out. Think stage fright.

In the past, I’ve heard that if you are listening to someone with a stutter, you shouldn’t finish their sentences for them, because it’s frustrating and not helping them to get through it. I asked him if he’d like me to suggest words, sort of ‘guess’ for him, and he can say yes or no. I also asked him if this would be offensive in the same way that it would be for a stutterer. He believed it would help and wasn’t offensive to him, so agreed to it.

I apologized for the pressure I’d placed on him, and told him I’d try to be more aware that this was a symptom when this situation arises in future. And when I was aware of it, I would help him with the words where and when I could.

We’ve also had some issues with his memory, and sometimes this has been difficult when trying to run a busy household. I have a laundry hamper with three sections for different types of clothes: dark, light, and whites. I have been frustrated at the time I’ve been wasting lately by having to re-sort the colours myself, because my fiance, trying to help, was putting the clothes in the wrong sections, because he’d forgotten how my system had worked. Yesterday, he tried very hard to get them in the right places, asking me several times, ‘how does it go again?’

This has made me realise that I might need to re-think how I do things. I’m going to label the sections on the laundry hamper, which will save me time, because he’ll be able to help and I won’t have to re-do it. I know he loves to make life easier for me, and gets upset if he’s not helping as much when he’s having an off day. It’s the little, everyday things that have been adding stress, things we don’t notice until it’s happened many times. And they take up a lot of time in the average day. Every time he brushes his teeth, he asks me which of the colour coded toothbrushes is his. I’m realising for this memory loss symptom, I might have to label that, too, with his name. Because I know it’ll work for him, I’ll look for other areas of the house that might work better for him if they are labelled.

I never thought I’d be grateful for him getting poisoned so dangerously, and technically, I’m not. But if there’s one thing I am grateful for, is that we’ve both learnt more about our relationship, and how to work together to solve our problems, our conflicts. How to come to a solution together. We managed this just fine before his illness, but now it’s been tried and tested back to front, and inside out. Not just from the recent incidents I’ve described here, but there have been so many worse things that happened in the early days, as we were simply just so unprepared for how the damage would manifest itself within his body. We thought the only symptoms he would have would be the ones he left hospital with, and frankly, we were freaked out by those.

The bonus? Some of those symptoms from the early days have lessened and almost disappeared. But one thing I now know for certain, more than I ever knew before this: if we work together, our relationship can survive anything, and that he’s worth it all.

This post may seem out of context with what I usually post in here, but I firmly believe that the parents’ relationship shapes the entire families’. I know each time we iron out the kinks of his symptoms, the kids relax more, and are far more at peace. Thoughts? Not TMI, I hope?

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