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20 Things I’ve Learned About Motherhood In 10 years

Written on August 12th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Parenting

1 ) Kids are tougher than you think.

After giving birth to a premature child ten years ago, and watching her smash her head repeatedly against the coffee table as she learned to stand up, I realised that although our kids are constantly bumping and bruising themselves, they rarely break.

2 ) I am tougher than I thought.

Having given birth three times, walked everywhere through three pregnancies and gone through (still going through with the last one!) three tantrum phases, I’ve learned that I rarely break. I think I will more often than I actually do.

3 ) It’s not always the parents’ fault.

When I became a parent, let’s say in the first six years, I honestly believed two things: if something bad happens to your child, it’s your fault for not watching/supervising them closely enough. If your child misbehaves or is rude, it’s the parents’ fault for not raising them properly.

Time has reminded that which was taught to me in my child studies days: children are individuals. Time has taught me that you can watch your kids as closely as you like; sometimes they will wait until the split second when you’re not looking, jump from one bed to the other, encourage their little sister to do the same, who will then land face down on the frame of the bed, slicing and detaching her lip apart from her gums, needing a trip to the emergency ward. All done two metres behind their parent’s back.

Time has taught me that you can drum manners into your child, but when they aren’t with you, they will test their boundaries with regards to manners and rudeness with other people. They will say and do things they wouldn’t dream of saying in your presence, because they know what will happen. They don’t know what will happen if they try it with a teacher or another parent, so they’ll try being rude around others to see what will happen.

Time has taught me that despite what I’ve taught my children, life happens. People get sick, families go through crises. Children experience stress, and this shapes their personalities, their responses to things, the way they cope. As they learn to cope with stress, they may make mistakes, and I have learned that this is no reflection on a child’s parenting.

4 ) It doesn’t matter what other parents think of my parenting, unless it affects them or their children directly.

I used to get upset when other parents would judge me, as a first time mother. I hated being judged for ending breastfeeding my eldest daughter when she was two weeks old. People, who didn’t know the reasons why I made that choice (and to me, they were the right reasons), or how devastated I was to do so. It hurt so much to have people openly tell me that I mustn’t care very much about my daughter’s health and well-being. To tell me that I didn’t try hard enough, or that I was selfish.

If someone were to say that to me now, I wouldn’t care what they think. I think, if anything, I just think less of the person for doing that now, and feel sorry for them. If you now had an opinion about my choices and it doesn’t affect you, I no longer care to hear it.

I do care, however, if my choices, my parenting, my children’s behaviour is affecting other people. I care if my kids damage your belongings when I visit your home. I care if my child hurts your child. If my child’s behaviour does affect you, I do want to hear it, so I can act on it and try to make things right.

5 ) The majority of the Aussie population thinks it’s cruel to not celebrate xmas and easter or to tell your kids santa, easter bunny, and the tooth fairy are not real.

Refer to point 4.

6 ) Many people believe that atheist children are empty vessels waiting to be filled with religon.

Refer to point 4 and back the hell off.

7 ) Contrary to what my child studies classes taught me, it’s ok to say no to your kids.

Sure, it’s not great for every second word that comes out of my mouth to be ‘no’, but saying it occasionally will not damage my kids, in fact, they’ll be better people for it. When they go to school, or get their first job, hear someone else say no, they will cope.

8 ) Praise is good in moderation.

I was taught in my child studies to give lots of praise. On the internet, there’s a gazillion articles explaining why we shouldn’t praise our children. As a mum, I feel that it’s my job to let my kids know that I believe in them. I like knowing that my kids will be able to come home after working a long day at school to parents who have something nice to say to them. Who like something about them.

I like knowing that my kids can attempt and complete tasks without a constant need for approval.

9 ) You really can raise kids without smacking them, and still discipline them.

I’ve been warned over the years that my children will be juvenile delinquents because I refuse to smack them. Touch wood, this hasn’t been the case yet. I’ve been told that children who don’t get smacked are wild, horribly feral children and the cause of the decay of society. I’m honestly just not finding that to be the case, so far.

10 ) Most problems can be dealt with if you can encourage your kids to talk to you about anything.

Half the battle is convincing kids to talk to us about what is on their mind, what motivates them, what worries them. I believe that when a child takes this leap of faith, it should be rewarded with kindness. So far, it’s been my experience that if we can be kind when our child opens up to us, then they are highly likely to do it when they really need to but might not want to.

11 ) Love doesn’t divide when you have more than one child, it multiplies

You don’t break your love in half when you have a second child, or in thirds when you have a third. You double it, then triple it.

12 ) I really have a foul temper when someone messes with my kid.

I think they call this the ‘mama bear’ instinct.

13 ) A strong bond and closeness between mother and child is something worth striving for, always.

14 ) The most important (and gut wrenching) job we’ll do is to teach our children how to break away from us.

15 ) The teenage years frighten the living crap out of me.

16 ) The best present we can give our kids is our presence.

No matter how obsessed kids seem to be with the latest toy or goodie, the thing they want most is their parents’ time and love.

17 ) There are standards, then there is reality.

I care about my kids’ nutrition. But it is ok to feed my kids less than perfectly healthy food now and then. I prefer they don’t watch too much telly. But I’m ok with it if I think it’ll make a hard day easier on all of us, now and then. I never realised before becoming a mum that occasionally my standards would have to momentarily drop, and that’s ok.

18 ) I’m not a helicopter parent, and I’m not a free-range parent.

I like spending time with my kids. I like leaving them to play on their own or with each other, with me stepping back. I like teaching them the skills needed before I give them the independence. That’s what works for us in our family.

19 ) It’s not a contest.

No one cares that you grew the fattest baby, or fed them the most organic food. No one cares if you breastfed the longest, or had the most natural birth. No one cares how early your kid walked or potty trained. Most people are just happy to see children well loved and well looked after, in whatever form that takes.

Oh, and better yet; your own kid won’t care about any of these things, either.

20 ) Motherhood is the wildest ride there is.

…and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I’m sure I’ve left something out, so I hope you’ll share yours too.

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Sibling Rivalry Solutions

Written on December 9th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, December 2010, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social

When I fell pregnant with Mr 4, my second son, I knew everything would change. Yes, Missy 10 (then 5) had grown up with her three step siblings visiting now and then. But this was different. She was finally going to have a baby brother. Living with us, being raised alongside her. Sharing the affections of her parents.

I knew that fighting would be inevitable, but I welcomed it. I think kids learn a lot about life from those fights with their siblings. They learn how to problem-solve, compromise and think about what is morally right and wrong. They learn how to express anger, frustration and sadness appropriately. Nicole Avery wrote about the importance of not becoming the referee and letting children work through the problem themselves. I fully agree.

What I’d like to focus on today, is the type of sibling fights that can go on all day long, possibly even day after day. This situation can become stressful for the entire household. The children tire of having the same repetitive argument, and parents get fed up with listening to it. Because it continues all day, it’s no longer constructive for the kids to be left to work it out. I find these types of arguments are often caused by siblings who are spending too much time together.

I had a day like this yesterday. Missy 2 and Mr 4 spent the entire day provoking one another, then hitting or pushing each other. Then, they’d whine to us about what the other child did. Missy 10 wasn’t a part of this dynamic, and usually isn’t, because she’s at school. She gets a break from them, and they, her. (Come back to me during school holidays, and I’ll be singing a different tune)

I looked back on the types of days my youngest two have been having. Wake up in the same room (we’ve had to make them share a room for a little while due to renovation issues), have breakfast together. Play together, lunch together, bath together, dinner together, bedtime routine together. I think if I had that much togetherness with just one person, I’d turn on them, too!

So, my solution for the ‘I’m sick of your face’ blues, is to simply split them both up, giving them something constructive to do. I find when siblings fight constantly like this, that the fight takes over their play as well. They forget to play, because they are so focused on the negativity.

My partner took Missy 2 out to do this:

Jumping her jollies out, kicking her aggression into the ball.

…and I took Mr 4 into the studio to do this:

Finding a new focus, concentrating on scissor and gluing skills. I like him to do this for school readiness preparation, anyway. I asked Mr 4 if he was enjoying the break from his little sister. He looked at me with his eyes widened with this new realisation, breathing a massive sigh of relief, and said, ‘YES!’ I explained to him that we all need a break from people sometimes, and that he and Missy 2 would probably end up playing happily later as a result. They could enjoy each other again, as they usually do.

Mr 4 was chuffed at that suggestion. We didn’t have this talk with Missy 2, as it’s probably a bit too ‘heavy’ for her just yet. But in getting Mr 4 committed to the cause of getting along, he made the effort once they got back together. Missy 2 was then also open to make an effort as a result.

….And play nicely again, they did. When it was bath time today, I tried washing them separately, in keeping with the idea of giving them more breaks like this from one another. Missy 2 looked worried. She wanted to know why her brother wasn’t in the bath with her!

It’s true what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Are your kids getting along today?

Playdough, homemade

Written on August 26th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Art, August 2010, Cognitive, Constructive, Craft, Fine motor, Messy play, Preschool aged, Saving money, School aged, Toddler

Missy 9 made this beautiful butterfly. Playdough appeals to all ages.

Home playdough is special. There’s no denying it. Sure, it’s fun for kids to play with the store-bought stuff, but there’s nothing like the smell of freshly cooked playdough to bring back fond childhood memories. When I smell it, I remember our old Playgroup hall and I can hear the noisy feet of my peers echoing on the floorboards. I hear table legs screeching as mums drag them away from the walls and set them up for us to play happily at.

What I love about making playdough yourself is that you get so much more to play with than what you’d buy in a lousy, plastic playdough can. It’s also great that it costs next to nothing to make. Playdough brings many benefits to the child, apart from being messy, good fun.

Playdough helps children to:

- strengthen and develop fine motor skills (use of hands)
- engage in creative play
- play dramatically, as they make up stories about what they’re making. It’s common to hear children making up pretend voices of their creations’ characters.
- develop their cognitive skills. Children use trial and error, cause and effect and basic experimentation to manipulate the dough into what they want it to do. They learn to problem solve.
- further develop their language. Children love to talk about what they are doing with their sculptures, and this in turn allows them to socialise with other children or adults.
- experiment with different tools and learn about how they work.
- watch how colours change when they are mixed together

How to cook playdough

You will need:

4 cups of water

4 tablespoons of cooking oil

4 cups of plain flour

8 tablespoons of cream of tartar powder

2 cups of salt

Dump all the ingredients into a large saucepan or frypan. I like this gigantic non stick electric frypan, because it’s less likely to spill over. Before you turn the heat on, mix it well. It should look like this:

Turn the heat on to medium-low (my frypan heats up very rapidly, so I have to watch this. You don’t want it to burn or develop a crust along the bottom). It will start to thicken and look lumpy. This is normal.

Now, just stir constantly until it is a lovely, firm playdough consistency. Put it aside to cool before adding any goodies to it.

Once it’s cool, there’s so many things you can add to your playdough. Kool Aid can be used to colour it, or food colouring. You can even try beetroot or spinach juice if you and your kids are feeling experimental!

But don’t feel that you have to stop at colour. Sight is just one of our senses. Why not appeal to your child’s sense of touch, with some glitter shaken in, or some coloured rice? To colour the rice before adding it, shake some rice and food colouring together in a jar and spread it out to dry before adding it. It looks best if the playdough colour is a contrast to the colour of the rice. Below is red and yellow food colouring added to rice.

It looks pretty, but children enjoy the granular sensation, and they notice a difference when flattening it with a rolling pin, or cutting it with a knife or a cookie cutter. This in turn often leads to much discussion! Why not throw some hundreds and thousands in for a mighty crunch? Then the children can watch the colours blend.

And what of our sense of smell? I’ve already mentioned how pleasurable the smell of playdough can be for a child (or adult. Ahem), so play around with that, if you will. You could make coffee playdough, mint scented playdough, just look around your kitchen and garden to see what you have.

The batch in the picture below has been mixed with Kool Aid and coffee, to encourage the children to experiment with different smells. We have cherry flavour, grape, tamarindo, lime, and raspberry. This cooked playdough recipe makes a large amount, so it’s excellent if you want a large variety of playdough types, or have a lot of kids using it either at home, playgroup or daycare.

Uncooked playdough

Sometimes, you might just want playdough quickly, and couldn’t be bothered cooking it, waiting for it to cool, yadda yadda, yadda… Or your kids might be keen to help you make it. Or, you might be at Playgroup and want to quickly make some for the kids, and not have time to cool it down before using it. My uncooked playdough recipe is handy for those times.

You will need:
3 cups of plain flour
1/3 cup of salt
1 and 1/4 cups of water
Plain flour for dusting
Colouring of your choice

Mix the first three ingredients together with your hands. Then turn it out onto a bench dusted with flour, and knead it until you are happy with its consistency. It should be just like bread dough.

Separate into the desired amount you’d like for each colour, then knead the food colouring through. Or you can use some of the suggestions mentioned in the cooked playdough recipe.

One thing that’s lovely about uncooked playdough, is that if children make it, they can give it to friends or family as a nice little homemade gift. We kneaded a little glitter through part of the batch for a little extra sparkle.

Fun ways to play with it.

The ideas here are endless, but I’m going to give you some good ones to get you all fired up.

- using bare hands only.
- rolled into ‘sausages’ and children encouraged to cut it into pieces with scissors. This is an excellent way to familiarise children with scissor use and strengthen their little muscles in preparation. It’s also much easier to cut playdough with scissors than paper when a child is starting to learn.
- provide an old garlic press and let the kids watch the playdough squish out like spaghetti. Again, this is great for fine motor strength.
- raid your useful box for straws, lids, cupcake cases etc for your children to add to their play.
- give your children rolling pins and cookie cutters to play with. We’ve not unpacked our rolling pin since the move yet, so I improvised and gave the kids this empty tissue cylinder.

Make sure to store your playdough in some cling wrap or a sealed plastic container. It’s great to encourage the kids to help pack up, too!

Mr 4′s caterpillar. He became deeply engrossed in this activity.

Now, to make life a little bit easier for anyone who likes to make their own playdough or fingerpaint, not only can you find the recipes at Hear Mum Roar, you can also download them in a handy printable format to keep in the kitchen. Click here to download.

I’d love to hear what your kids like to do with their playdough.

Edited to add: Here’s where Aussies can source Kool Aid (not sponsored links, just adding on request):

USA foods

This isn’t where I bought it from. I checked the place I bought it from last time, and they don’t sell it anymore:(

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Motherhood: cinch or sentence?

Written on August 3rd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in August 2010, Soap box

There’s quite a debate going on over at Mamamia with regards to an article written by Jacinta Tynan called, ‘Motherhood is easy‘. I read it with some strong emotions myself. I found myself nodding at the idea that a positive attitude towards child-rearing is beneficial to everyone involved. I found myself incensed at quotes like these:

“I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Ask me if I have another, but from where I stand motherhood is a cinch.

Yes it is tiring, and yes it is time consuming with showers and emails a sudden extravagance. But it is not hard. Hard is being tied to a soulless job for 80% of your waking hours. Hard is fighting cancer, or having a child who is. Or not being able to conceive a child when you ache for nothing more. Soothing a crying baby who won’t sleep for love nor money is a privilege not a hardship. Wiping spew off your jacket before bolting out the door to a meeting is funny, not a drama.

It is not fashionable to say so. For the past decade or two – coinciding with most of us trying to squeeze a career in with motherhood simultaneously – we have heard the cry of mothers’ martyrdom. It has become de rigueur to complain about how arduous the whole thing is, one upping on whose baby sleeps the least, chucks the most, and who has less hours in the day.”

“I do think we could learn a thing or two from our mothers and grandmothers. You never heard a peep out of them bucking in to double the workload and double the kids with no online groceries or disposable nappies. Sure they didn’t work (most of them) but they also appreciated that being a mum was one of the better things in life. My mum had six children, no help and, on occasions, a job. Yet she gave it her all with grace and joy. Our generation acts as if we deserve a medal.

It’s not like we didn’t know what we were signing up for. Most mothers want to be mothers, longing for the day when we will hold our own baby in our arms. How tragic to begrudge it because we can’t get a thing done around the house.”

Then I went on to watch the video on Mia’s blog post where she interviews Jacinta, and she readily admits it’s hard. Eh? So which one is it, then? Hard, or not hard?

I agree with her on many things. That motherhood is abundantly rewarding. To not stress over the small things. But the insinuation that if a mother is having a hard time of it that they are ‘making a fuss’ if they complain does not sit well with me. Or that a mother who makes a complaint feels deserving of a medal is ludicrous to me.

I too, once had a first child who was nine months old. I found her to be very easy to look after as well. Because she hadn’t yet hit the stages of toddlerhood and all the wonderful, developmentally normal yet frustrating bits that comes with it. But I was still able to see that I was lucky, and to have some understanding of why some other mothers were struggling. Other mothers had older kids than me, more kids than me. Some parents had less support than me. Who was I to tell them, ‘I don’t see what all the fuss is about?’ I certainly didn’t see them as any less loving of their children or begrudging of having them, simply because they were having a rough day/week/month/life!

When I was a new mother, I too made sweeping statements about parenting issues, though. I was dead against giving any of my children a dummy. Said I never would. And with my first, I didn’t. Because I was able to focus on one child, and ok, she never seemed to ‘need’ a dummy, but if she did, I imagine being an only child, I would’ve been better equipped in time and energy to provide her with that comfort in many other ways. My next two children had dummies, so of course, I was forced to eat my words! I have since learnt to be very careful about sweeping statements when it comes to parenthood, because they always come back to bite you on the bum.

I believe this: parenthood is hard sometimes, easy other times. When it’s hard, you push through it. The more positive we can be, the better. But it’s ok, necessary in some cases even, to talk about problems we are facing. If we don’t, that stress can manifest itself in unhealthy ways that aren’t good for us or our families.

I remember in April last year, when my fiance was admitted to hospital for poisoning. He spent a week there. I held my head up and ploughed on as all us mums do when times get tough. A voice in my head, that I didn’t let anyone else hear kept whispering at me,

‘what if he dies?’

‘What if your children lose their father?’

‘You’re running out of energy/strength! You’re going to fall in a heap.’

The first couple of days were hell. Mr Four, who was at the time two, was resentful of me for calling the ambulance and taking his father away. He resented me every time I told him that Daddy wasn’t coming home today, and he behaved accordingly, screaming at me in the supermarkets, as I pushed the double pram down the street and all day long at home. He acted out, destroying things, hurting his sisters and myself.

My fiance had taken our keycard which had all our money so that when this ‘blew over’ as we tried to optimistically believe, he could get a train or taxi home. As a result, we didn’t visit him for the first few days. Then we ran out of toilet paper. Then fruit. I had the other keycard at home, and was biding my time until my fiance’s pay from his job went into that one.

Now, as positive as I tried to remain, this is where it gets important to tell others if you are struggling. I confided to my best friend who lived just around the corner from me, that we’d run out of fruit and toilet paper. My beautiful friend, as soon as she could, was at my doorstep, presenting me with fresh fruit for the kids and loo paper. It got us through until that money showed up in my keycard, and I will be ever grateful for her help.

There was no shame in being honest about a difficulty. Over the next few days, we visited my fiance in hospital everyday. It was what kept him hopeful, during so much uncertainty. It was what kept the kids hopeful. Every night, we’d eat a family dinner together at the hospital kiosk, and be completely grateful. It was looking doubtful to us all that he’d be out of there any time soon.

I would come home, keep doing the mothering gig with three tired little ones, and collapse on the lounge. There were thousands of negative thoughts to fight off, and I like to think I did my best. But they were still there. I talked to my father on the phone, and I finally admitted that if my darling was going to be in hospital for a long time, I’d need to work out a routine, because the day trips to the hospital were physically taking it out of me, no matter how positive a spin I wanted to put on it.

From that discussion, my dad suggested that I take one day off a week from visiting the hospital. I cannot tell you the relief it felt for someone to give me permission to say, ‘this is too hard, is there an alternative?’ and actually have one offered, when I simply could not think anymore. I just felt that my head was going to pop open, and all ability to reason and problem solve was long gone. If I hadn’t talked about this negative, I truly believe I would’ve lost the plot or lashed out at someone. The good news? He was out within a week.

That’s my arguement for why I think we need to complain as parents, sometimes. I also am a strong believer in being positive. I remember a few months later, my fiance’s mother died. At exactly the same time that our family got the swine flu. My fiance was down the coast with his family, making arrangements. The night before his mother’s funeral, my eldest daughter vomitted everywhere then became unconscious to the point where I couldn’t rouse her. I put her in an ambulance, and hot-footed it to the hospital with the two littlies in the double pram, on a freezing winter’s night, on a train.

I had no idea if I would be able to make it to the funeral the next day, but of course, it was a high priority. I just knew I couldn’t leave my daughter in someone else’s care the next day if I had any doubt she’d be ok. We waited hours to see someone, as there were many other families afflicted with swine flu also. I kept telling myself, ‘just keep pushing on, entertain the kids as much as you can, ride it out, ride it out…’ Just when I thought we could not spend another minute at that hospital, they finally let us go home with the doctor’s blessing that she’d be ok to be looked after by someone else the following day.

My body felt as though it was on empty, and that horrible little negative voice, came back:

‘now you have to take that trip back home’

‘you can’t do it, you’re ready to collapse, yourself’

‘look at your daughter, she can’t make the trip home, even. You are so screwed!’

I tried to reassure my eldest daughter that we’d make this trip as quick and easy as we possibly could. She looked doubtful. I don’t think I was very convincing.

Then, a miracle happened. Mr then Two piped up in his adorably shrill voice, bright as a button, ‘we had a fun time at the hop-it-tal, didn’t we?’

Here I was, thinking how terrible it was that I’d dragged these two little ones out in the cold, and I had no idea what an adventure it was for them! My eldest daughter and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes, and laughed so hard at the irony, that it gave us the strength and energy to make that trip home more easily.

I guess what I’m saying is, in parenthood and life, there is a balance of good and bad. Positive and negative. To deny one and ignore the other is counter-productive. We can’t be all doom and gloom 24-7. We can’t be Pollyanna all day long either. What I’ve learnt from this? We all have our easy times, and our hard times.

When you’re up on your luck, spread it around. Go help out the other person who’s down on theirs. When everything’s turned to crap, tell someone! It doesn’t make you less of a parent, nor a person. Let others help you.

As for now, I will never, ever, say parenting is easy. It’s hard. But you know what? All the things in life I’ve valued the most have never come easily. There’s a huge price to pay, and I pay it willingly. I love my fiance, I love my kids, my own little family, with everything I’ve got. And if I want to bitch and moan because Missy Two has smeared her poo (again!?) then I bloody well will. Then I’ll laugh about it later.

What is motherhood to you? Easy, hard? Or somewhere in between?

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Pull Along Activities For Toddlers

Written on July 21st, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Gross motor, July 2010, Toddler

Missy Two has been a real, typical toddler of late, in the games she likes to play. I mentioned recently how she loves to post things, and here’s another example of a toddler classic: the pull along toy. It doesn’t have to be a store-bought toy, you could make something similar for your child out of the useful box.

Gumboots and underpants worn over jumpsuits are the latest in winter fashion. Just sayin’, in case you didn’t know…

Examples of pull along play can be a bunch of train carriages, a car on a string, this walk-along puppy you see, heck, we even have a pull-along elephant that has been handed down to us! It’s good if the string isn’t too long, so that they can’t wrap it around their necks too easily and strangle themselves. If your child has made up a game with something that is too long, you’ll need to supervise. But you guys know that, right? Yeeah…

The appeal of simple games such as pulling things along is the basic repetition. Toddlers love repetition. Missy Two will pull this puppy loudly along our floor boards back and forth…

They like the sound the wheels make (if it has wheels, most pull along toys do, but homemade toys might not), learning about the concept of pulling, enjoying the challenge of trying to keep the toy steadily upright (in the case of wheels, generally) whilst pulling at the same time. It encourages a certain level of coordination, as the child looks back to check the toy is how they want it to be, they keep moving as they walk, and they work out, via trial and error, how to do this without the toy coming up off the floor. Whew! That’s hard work!

As they gain competence at this simple task, they will repeat it over and over again, for the sheer joy of it all.

My older two children are still enjoying pull along toys also. But in a different way. They like to sit on top of our pull along elephant, as our puppy pulls them along by the string! So cute, and it gets a lot of giggles out of the kids.

Do you have anything your kids like to use as pull along play?

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Tantrums – How do I Stop Them?

Written on April 28th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Uncategorized

Let me paint you a little picture: you’re out shopping. You’re tired. Your three year old child is tired. You both just want to finish the shopping and get the hell home. You’re at the counter, and almost out the door. Your little angel has decided to demand something shiny and exciting (to them) on the display shelf next to the counter. Something you have no intention of buying. You say ‘no’.

Before you can say, ‘someone get me a valium sandwich!’ your precious one is writhing on the floor, screaming at full pelt. Everyone is looking at you. I’m not sure why, since you’re not the one screaming. I think it’s because they’re all waiting to see what you’re going to do about it. Or to wonder where the hell you went wrong to raise such an evil hellion. You’ve gotta love ‘em…

If you’re having an especially bad run of luck, these same people will weigh in with useless advice:

- give the child a belting.

- shut your little brat up.

- just buy it for them.

Sadly, none of this is helping, since there’s a high chance you are trying to quickly come up with a plan of action yourself, and the strangers in the store who know what your child needs so much better than you do, are adding to your stress.

Are you nodding yet?

With a two year-old girl and a three year-old boy in this house, I sure as hell am. I deal with this at the moment on a daily basis, multiplied by two. So now is a good time for me to post about this, whilst it’s fresh in my mind.

The short answer to, ‘how do I stop tantrums?’ is, you can’t. Sorry. If there was, there wouldn’t be so many exhausted, frazzled-looking parents running around all over town. The good news is, over the next few days I’m going talk about things we can do to make it as painless as possible for both mother/father/carer and child.

I’ll be talking about:

- Why children have tantrums, and the two main types of tantrums there are.

- Working out your child’s tantrum triggers and how to avoid them.

- Language we can use to minimise and prevent tantrums.

- What we can do if a child still has a tantrum and how to keep your composure if it happens in a public place.

- How to be a good ‘witness’ to other peoples’ children having tantrums in public.

I’d like to state at this point, that not everyone will always agree on the one way to deal with tantrums. Some people take a strict approach and others like a ‘gentle parenting’ approach. My approach lies somewhere in the middle. My way is not the be all and end-all, but it’s what I choose to use, and readers can take what advice they like and leave the parts they disagree with. As long as children aren’t being harmed, I’d like to think we can all be respectful of the different ways that parents and carers approach this.

I’ll end with a question for you: what is the worst tantrum a child in your care has ever thrown?

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