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Letting your child witness birth: is it immoral?

Written on January 28th, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Baby, Challenges, Emotional, January 2011, Parenting, School aged, Social

I follow many facebook ‘like’ pages, and one conversation that appeared in my feed inspired me to write today. It was at Designer Mama’s page. The question was raised about whether or not it was appropriate for children to witness the birth of their siblings. As a mother who has allowed this, obviously I have strong opinions about this.

This photo was taken minutes after I cleaned up after giving birth to my son. As you can see, my eldest daughter was right there with us, looking happy and unscathed.

There was quite a bit of negative discussion on this facebook page about this topic (including questioning the morals of mums who do this), so I felt moved to share our story. I also knew that sharing on the facebook page would not give me enough space to express my feelings fully.

When I fell pregnant with my second child, my eldest daughter was five years old. She already had three step siblings who don’t live with us, and was so excited that I was having a baby. This would be a new brother or sister for her that would be raised with her! More importantly to her, she was going to finally be a big sister.

In the first five months of my pregnancy, my daughter was being homeschooled at the time. She was attending all of my appointments at the birthing centre with me. It’s important to point out here, that by this time, she had asked me how the baby would come out, and had been told all about vaginal birth. We told her that’s how she was born, and probably this next child would be born that way, too. We also had already told her about c section births as well, that some mothers need that option when vaginal birth doesn’t work out for them.

One day, my daughter said to me, ‘am I going to be left at home alone when you go to the hospital to have the baby?’ We told her, of course not! We would make sure someone would look after her. She then asked me if she could come to the hospital to watch the baby’s birth. My partner and I told her we needed to talk about that idea first, then we’d get back to her.

Now, this wasn’t a first for my partner. He had been married before, and his then wife had an emergency home birth (in other words, not by choice) and their eldest child witnessed the whole thing (he was four years old at the time), also not by choice. Everything happened so quickly, there was no time to find something else for him to do.

My partner’s eldest son from his first marriage handled the situation quite well, and as children, he and his sister had a very good bond with one another. So, we knew it could work, and saw the positives. My partner and I were still worried, though. Just because one child handles a situation well, doesn’t mean all children will. We wanted, like all parents, to protect our child from any unnecessary trauma.

We laid down some ground rules. We told our daughter that she could come to the birth, but only if she was prepared to do certain things first.

1) If she watched some birthing dvds beforehand and still felt fine about coming, she could come. If she wasn’t prepared to watch the dvds, then we believed that she wasn’t ready for witnessing our birth, either. We didn’t force her to watch the dvds, but not watching them would mean she’d need to stay at home with a sitter. We felt this was more than fair, and so did our daughter. We wanted her to have some insight into what she could expect to happen. We told her if she changed her mind at any time and didn’t want to go, that was fine.

2) We gave her lots of books to read about giving birth. These were picture books, and were very informative for her.

3) If she was scared during the birth at any time, she could leave the room.

4) We would have a babysitter attend the birth to look after her.

The midwives at the birthing centre were very supportive of our choice to let our daughter attend the birth. They loaned me dozens of birthing dvds (we chose dvds that mostly featured water birth, as that was my plan for this birth) and books for my daughter to read. We discussed all material that our daughter read or watched at great length. We continually asked her if she wanted to change her mind, and made it clear it was ok to do that. She was adamant. She did not want to miss this birth for the world! I think it’s important to mention here that my eldest daughter is obsessed with science and has always been this way. She is naturally very inquisitive, to the point where she will gladly witness something quite revolting in the name of science!

Given that my first birth had been a 12 hour birth (but had a lot of intervention), my partner and I gave plenty of thought to how our five year old daughter would spend her time during the birth. I was shown the birthing centre room, there was a lounge suite with a tv and dvd player, a double bed and a bathroom. We let her pack a bag of things she’d like to do, and told her she could also watch tv, sleep or go play outside with an adult if she got bored or tired. The birthing centre also had a kitchenette, and my daughter and partner enjoyed some raisin toast in the first hour of my birth.

At one appointment, my daughter and I were walking past the hospital kiosk, when she noticed the ‘it’s a boy!’ and ‘it’s a girl!’ balloons for sale. She thought these were the most wonderful idea! We promised her that when the baby was born, it’d be her job to go to the kiosk with dad to choose one for the baby, and Dad would buy it. Now she she was really psyched.

I won’t recount the entire birth here, as I’ve already shared my birthing stories as much as I intend to. But I will share here what’s relevant to the topic. On the day my waters broke, it was quite early in the morning. The sun was just coming up. We woke our daughter, and hot-footed it to the hospital. That’s why my daughter looks quite bedraggled in the photo above, because she’d just gotten out of bed a few hours ago, and thrown on the first clothes she found!

We ended up abandoning our idea of bringing in a babysitter, as we felt we didn’t have enough time to make arrangements and get me to hospital. As it turned out, the whole thing was over pretty quickly.

Plan B without a babysitter was that my partner would take care of her during the birth. This worked very well for us, because this was a nice, easy birth. It was a short birth, so our worries about our daughter getting bored went out the window. She stayed to watch the whole thing. The biggest problem she had, was that because I was water birthing, she wanted to get closer to the action to see what was going on! But never mind…

After my son was born, he floated under water for a little while, then the midwife asked me to pick him up out of the water. As I carefully did this, I heard my girl shrieking, ‘oh, he’s so cute!’ For all the pain I’d just gone through, my five year old daughter helped to reinforce that this whole birth was a joyful time. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited, holding my new baby boy in my arms, but I love the fact that my daughter’s presence just made the whole experience so much more blissful.

Her and my partner ended up like two silly, excited little kids together! It was so funny. They went to buy the balloon as I cleaned up, and I think my daughter loved that ‘it’s a boy!’ balloon more than our son.

We made sure to give our daughter plenty of chances to talk about the birth afterward, and mostly her memories from it are how cute her brother looked, and the funny sound he made soon after. Another mum friend from my daughter’s school told me that her daughter found out from my girl, that babies come out of the mother’s vagina. She said she was a bit miffed, but then she joked that, ‘oh well, you’ve saved me the awkwardness of having to tell her!’

I have found that with such a wide age gap, my daughter who is now ten, and my son who is now four, have an extremely tight bond. I’m so relieved, because when my daughter found out I was having a boy (via ultrasound), she was sorely disappointed. Those first few weeks were obviously hard for my daughter to adjust to not being the only child in this house anymore. However, I feel that having witnessed the birth, she was more compassionate towards me. I tried to give her as much attention as I could (which is always a challenge with a newborn), but she was very understanding of how tired and sore I was because she was there to see why.

I like knowing that when she gets to the age that her peers are having sex, she will have the awareness that sex is not a decision to take lightly. Pregnancy is not something to take lightly. And although I’ve let her witness that birth is a painful thing, I’m so glad that her first exposure to child birth was a positive, relaxed one.

Once I fell pregnant with our third child, of course we asked her again if she’d like to be at the birth. Early on, she wanted to. We had decided that our son, who would be two months shy of two years old, shouldn’t be at the birth. We toyed with the idea of having him there with a babysitter, but it just didn’t feel right. We organised a babysitter for our son at home during the birth, and once our eldest daughter found out about it, she didn’t want to miss out on whatever fun our son was having, so she decided to stay home too.

The birth of our last child was much tougher than our son’s. I’m so glad my children weren’t there for it. I went to the hospital in the morning and stayed there the whole day with nothing happening. By the afternoon, I was induced, but nothing really happened until the evening. The birth itself took six hours. I had complications; labour wasn’t progressing for a while, my daughter had her umbilical cord strangling her, and for a short while, it looked like I was going to need an emergency c section. Thankfully, I didn’t.

I think my children would not have handled the lengthy process of this. I don’t think they would’ve handled the fact that we had to move from the birthing centre to the delivery suite. The facilities in the delivery suite were dreadful for children, and I was having severe anxiety about being there myself, due to a bad experience last time I gave birth there (with my first child).

Do I believe all children should witness childbirth? No. I don’t believe children should ever be forced to be present at a birth against their wishes. I believe sometimes it happens by accident, and I’d imagine parents would have to deal with any repercussions afterward. Do I believe that parents who choose to allow their children at a birth are immoral? Of course not!

The only advice I’d give to anyone thinking of this (who actually wants advice, of course!), is to think about your potential for complications. Think about your child’s personality. If you’re planning this, prepare them, arm them with knowledge. Make sure you talk to them after the birth. Also, as a mother, ask yourself how it will affect you. If you think it’d be too distracting, that’s important to consider. My daughter at one stage when I was on all fours in agony, asked me for more raisin toast! I said, ‘ah, I’m kind of busy right now, babe…’ thankfully, my partner stepped in and got it for her! Because it was an easier birth, these distractions were, well, distracting, but not a problem for me at all. If any of my kids had distracted me during my last birth, they may have gotten their heads bitten off.

I asked my daughter today, now that she’s ten, how she feels about having been at the birth of her brother. She said, ‘man, that was a long time ago.’ I asked her if it was scary, gross, etc. She said, ‘it was a bit gross’. I asked her if she wishes she hadn’t gone to it, or if she’s glad. She told me she’s glad she went. I asked her how she feels about giving birth one day herself. She shrugged and said, ‘I really don’t know. I don’t think about it.’

Of course, now I’d like to hear from others. Have you ever allowed your child to be present at any of your births? Would you? How do you feel about it?

Motherhood: cinch or sentence?

Written on August 3rd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in August 2010, Soap box

There’s quite a debate going on over at Mamamia with regards to an article written by Jacinta Tynan called, ‘Motherhood is easy‘. I read it with some strong emotions myself. I found myself nodding at the idea that a positive attitude towards child-rearing is beneficial to everyone involved. I found myself incensed at quotes like these:

“I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Ask me if I have another, but from where I stand motherhood is a cinch.

Yes it is tiring, and yes it is time consuming with showers and emails a sudden extravagance. But it is not hard. Hard is being tied to a soulless job for 80% of your waking hours. Hard is fighting cancer, or having a child who is. Or not being able to conceive a child when you ache for nothing more. Soothing a crying baby who won’t sleep for love nor money is a privilege not a hardship. Wiping spew off your jacket before bolting out the door to a meeting is funny, not a drama.

It is not fashionable to say so. For the past decade or two – coinciding with most of us trying to squeeze a career in with motherhood simultaneously – we have heard the cry of mothers’ martyrdom. It has become de rigueur to complain about how arduous the whole thing is, one upping on whose baby sleeps the least, chucks the most, and who has less hours in the day.”

“I do think we could learn a thing or two from our mothers and grandmothers. You never heard a peep out of them bucking in to double the workload and double the kids with no online groceries or disposable nappies. Sure they didn’t work (most of them) but they also appreciated that being a mum was one of the better things in life. My mum had six children, no help and, on occasions, a job. Yet she gave it her all with grace and joy. Our generation acts as if we deserve a medal.

It’s not like we didn’t know what we were signing up for. Most mothers want to be mothers, longing for the day when we will hold our own baby in our arms. How tragic to begrudge it because we can’t get a thing done around the house.”

Then I went on to watch the video on Mia’s blog post where she interviews Jacinta, and she readily admits it’s hard. Eh? So which one is it, then? Hard, or not hard?

I agree with her on many things. That motherhood is abundantly rewarding. To not stress over the small things. But the insinuation that if a mother is having a hard time of it that they are ‘making a fuss’ if they complain does not sit well with me. Or that a mother who makes a complaint feels deserving of a medal is ludicrous to me.

I too, once had a first child who was nine months old. I found her to be very easy to look after as well. Because she hadn’t yet hit the stages of toddlerhood and all the wonderful, developmentally normal yet frustrating bits that comes with it. But I was still able to see that I was lucky, and to have some understanding of why some other mothers were struggling. Other mothers had older kids than me, more kids than me. Some parents had less support than me. Who was I to tell them, ‘I don’t see what all the fuss is about?’ I certainly didn’t see them as any less loving of their children or begrudging of having them, simply because they were having a rough day/week/month/life!

When I was a new mother, I too made sweeping statements about parenting issues, though. I was dead against giving any of my children a dummy. Said I never would. And with my first, I didn’t. Because I was able to focus on one child, and ok, she never seemed to ‘need’ a dummy, but if she did, I imagine being an only child, I would’ve been better equipped in time and energy to provide her with that comfort in many other ways. My next two children had dummies, so of course, I was forced to eat my words! I have since learnt to be very careful about sweeping statements when it comes to parenthood, because they always come back to bite you on the bum.

I believe this: parenthood is hard sometimes, easy other times. When it’s hard, you push through it. The more positive we can be, the better. But it’s ok, necessary in some cases even, to talk about problems we are facing. If we don’t, that stress can manifest itself in unhealthy ways that aren’t good for us or our families.

I remember in April last year, when my fiance was admitted to hospital for poisoning. He spent a week there. I held my head up and ploughed on as all us mums do when times get tough. A voice in my head, that I didn’t let anyone else hear kept whispering at me,

‘what if he dies?’

‘What if your children lose their father?’

‘You’re running out of energy/strength! You’re going to fall in a heap.’

The first couple of days were hell. Mr Four, who was at the time two, was resentful of me for calling the ambulance and taking his father away. He resented me every time I told him that Daddy wasn’t coming home today, and he behaved accordingly, screaming at me in the supermarkets, as I pushed the double pram down the street and all day long at home. He acted out, destroying things, hurting his sisters and myself.

My fiance had taken our keycard which had all our money so that when this ‘blew over’ as we tried to optimistically believe, he could get a train or taxi home. As a result, we didn’t visit him for the first few days. Then we ran out of toilet paper. Then fruit. I had the other keycard at home, and was biding my time until my fiance’s pay from his job went into that one.

Now, as positive as I tried to remain, this is where it gets important to tell others if you are struggling. I confided to my best friend who lived just around the corner from me, that we’d run out of fruit and toilet paper. My beautiful friend, as soon as she could, was at my doorstep, presenting me with fresh fruit for the kids and loo paper. It got us through until that money showed up in my keycard, and I will be ever grateful for her help.

There was no shame in being honest about a difficulty. Over the next few days, we visited my fiance in hospital everyday. It was what kept him hopeful, during so much uncertainty. It was what kept the kids hopeful. Every night, we’d eat a family dinner together at the hospital kiosk, and be completely grateful. It was looking doubtful to us all that he’d be out of there any time soon.

I would come home, keep doing the mothering gig with three tired little ones, and collapse on the lounge. There were thousands of negative thoughts to fight off, and I like to think I did my best. But they were still there. I talked to my father on the phone, and I finally admitted that if my darling was going to be in hospital for a long time, I’d need to work out a routine, because the day trips to the hospital were physically taking it out of me, no matter how positive a spin I wanted to put on it.

From that discussion, my dad suggested that I take one day off a week from visiting the hospital. I cannot tell you the relief it felt for someone to give me permission to say, ‘this is too hard, is there an alternative?’ and actually have one offered, when I simply could not think anymore. I just felt that my head was going to pop open, and all ability to reason and problem solve was long gone. If I hadn’t talked about this negative, I truly believe I would’ve lost the plot or lashed out at someone. The good news? He was out within a week.

That’s my arguement for why I think we need to complain as parents, sometimes. I also am a strong believer in being positive. I remember a few months later, my fiance’s mother died. At exactly the same time that our family got the swine flu. My fiance was down the coast with his family, making arrangements. The night before his mother’s funeral, my eldest daughter vomitted everywhere then became unconscious to the point where I couldn’t rouse her. I put her in an ambulance, and hot-footed it to the hospital with the two littlies in the double pram, on a freezing winter’s night, on a train.

I had no idea if I would be able to make it to the funeral the next day, but of course, it was a high priority. I just knew I couldn’t leave my daughter in someone else’s care the next day if I had any doubt she’d be ok. We waited hours to see someone, as there were many other families afflicted with swine flu also. I kept telling myself, ‘just keep pushing on, entertain the kids as much as you can, ride it out, ride it out…’ Just when I thought we could not spend another minute at that hospital, they finally let us go home with the doctor’s blessing that she’d be ok to be looked after by someone else the following day.

My body felt as though it was on empty, and that horrible little negative voice, came back:

‘now you have to take that trip back home’

‘you can’t do it, you’re ready to collapse, yourself’

‘look at your daughter, she can’t make the trip home, even. You are so screwed!’

I tried to reassure my eldest daughter that we’d make this trip as quick and easy as we possibly could. She looked doubtful. I don’t think I was very convincing.

Then, a miracle happened. Mr then Two piped up in his adorably shrill voice, bright as a button, ‘we had a fun time at the hop-it-tal, didn’t we?’

Here I was, thinking how terrible it was that I’d dragged these two little ones out in the cold, and I had no idea what an adventure it was for them! My eldest daughter and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes, and laughed so hard at the irony, that it gave us the strength and energy to make that trip home more easily.

I guess what I’m saying is, in parenthood and life, there is a balance of good and bad. Positive and negative. To deny one and ignore the other is counter-productive. We can’t be all doom and gloom 24-7. We can’t be Pollyanna all day long either. What I’ve learnt from this? We all have our easy times, and our hard times.

When you’re up on your luck, spread it around. Go help out the other person who’s down on theirs. When everything’s turned to crap, tell someone! It doesn’t make you less of a parent, nor a person. Let others help you.

As for now, I will never, ever, say parenting is easy. It’s hard. But you know what? All the things in life I’ve valued the most have never come easily. There’s a huge price to pay, and I pay it willingly. I love my fiance, I love my kids, my own little family, with everything I’ve got. And if I want to bitch and moan because Missy Two has smeared her poo (again!?) then I bloody well will. Then I’ll laugh about it later.

What is motherhood to you? Easy, hard? Or somewhere in between?

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Balance, balance, wherefor art thou balance?

Written on June 22nd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, June 2010

This is a guest post from the lovely Kristin at Wanderlust.

Balance

I’ve always been good a good multi-tasker, a high energy person able to keep lots of balls in the air at once. Before I married I worked full-time, studied evenings and weekends for my graduate degree, stopped at the gym on my way to work in the mornings and managed to squeeze a satisfying social life in between all of this. So I imagined fitting kids into this equation wouldn’t be too hard, right? Right?? Oh settle down you in the back! If we all knew what parenthood was going to be like going into it our species would come to an abrupt halt.

Yeah, so, those images of me rocking a cradle with my foot as I put the finishing touches on my dissertation, or edited the final version of my novel? Dust. Go ahead and insert laugh track here.

The first few years of parenting are like being caught up in a cyclone. You have no idea what has hit you. You are powerless. You simply surrender because honestly, what else is there to do? You diaper, feed, soothe, bathe, dress, undress, sleep (well, not really sleep) in an endless loop. At some point, however, you wake up and realize your children have gained a modicum of independence and you can do things on your own for brief periods of time (go up and down the stairs, read a book, pee alone!) and it is deliciously liberating. It is about this time that fate whispers in your ear that perhaps, perhaps your life can be blessed with balance.

After all, there are scores of books and articles in women’s magazines dedicated to the topic. Articles with pictures of slender women with nice complexions sitting comfortably in lotus pose. It must actually exist, this balance. I’m sure I could achieve it if I just managed my time better, said “no” to the things that drained me, spent less time reading emails, took more bubble baths, dressed in earth tones and lit candles and baked organic cupcakes with my daughter, right? Right??

When I first came out of my mommy coma and started to do things for myself again, it was exquisitely gratifying, like a long rain after drought. I renewed old friendships. I read books. Lots and lots of books. I traveled to Australia with a girlfriend. I wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. All of this fed a deep need in me that I had abandoned during the selfless, faceless first years of childrearing. And yet it just touched the tip of the iceberg. Because there was still work and kids and all the day-to-day responsibilities of a life. But there was also something else. There was a noticeable backlash from my children. When I would sit down and open up my laptop (which was often) they would respond. First with sighs, later more strongly.

My daughter told me, “I think you love your computer most of all.”

My 5-year-old son: “I hate your computer.”

And two nights ago my daughter had a dream that I was leaving to go to Australia but could only take one child with me.

Wow.

Okay.

Here’s the thing. Balance is a fine concept. But it is just that. A concept. There are times in our lives when it is more achievable than others (retirement comes to mind, our twenties perhaps). I don’t think raising small children is meant to be an easy, relaxing time in our lives. Throw full-time work into the mix and it’s even less tenable. (Though, honestly, I don’t know that it’s any easier for those parents who stay at home – just a different set of challenges.) I’ve come to accept that I will probably not feel well-rested and sated in all the myriad ways I would like to be for quite some time, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean I will stop seeking balance. It’s a necessary goal. But I think of it less as a final destination and more as a mark by which I navigate, something that keeps me from going too far off course in any one direction.

Lately, this has meant closing up my computer and getting down on the floor to build a train station out of Lincoln logs. Or sewing the arm back on Bear. Again. Or baking cupcakes with the kids (not organic, sorry) and letting them lick the bowl.

My kids will probably never have as much of me as they would like. I will never have as much of me as I would like. We’ll each have to live with that and do the best we can. I’m willing to give up more of myself to them now because I know that one day, I won’t have the honor of them wanting to spend all their time with me. I want to enjoy being at the center of their universe while it lasts. Soon enough, life will call to them and I’ll be left with time on my hands. At that point, I suppose I can unearth the tub from beneath the plastic boats and crayola bath crayons and cherry bomb no-tears shampoo that currently live there, and take that coveted bubble bath.

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Time to rediscover the old me

Written on May 30th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Uncategorized

This has been destined to happen, and thank god.

Since getting a new car at the end of last year, I have put on more weight than I am happy with. There’s been many changes in my life. We’ve moved house to a small country town, and I’ve gone from a mother who used to spend two hours every weekday pushing a double pram to and from school (when my fiance was working, once he wasn’t I did the walk without the kids), up and down hills, to a mum who lives two minutes’ walk from a new school, and a partner who often takes my daughter to school for me.

It’s partly because I want to look better and fit my old clothes (and new size 8 ones!) but it’s so much more than that. I want to readjust my insomnia once again. That has always been a constant battle for me as long as I can remember. Exercising is a big part of my self-identity, heck, I studied it as a potential career all those years ago! Most of my adult life, I’ve been exercising, be it walking to work, TAFE, basically everywhere. I used to enjoy going to the gym and doing personal workouts at home, as well.

And now… well, I’m living the cliche that I hate. The martyr, who is too tired, too busy and doesn’t have enough time. Oh boo friggin’ hoo. Well, those excuses get a girl nowhere, except sore back and sore joints from carrying excess weight, and constant fatigue. I want my bouncy, energetic old self back, thank you very much, and this video below has given me just the push I needed:

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What can you do if your child has a public tantrum?

Written on May 11th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

I hope you’ve been enjoying my tantrum series.

As promised, I’m going to talk about the most feared of tantrums, the public tantrum. Before this, let’s look back on what’s been covered:

Why children have tantrums

Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Using language as a tool against tantrums

So, we’ve talked about what causes tantrums, ways we can prevent them and how to build up our childrens’ communication skills to help get through the tantrum stage more smoothly. But what about if you have implemented all of these strategies and your child still has a tantrum anyway?

Relax. Remember, it’s a normal part of a child’s development, and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It can take time for a child to learn to accept that not everything will happen they way they want it to in life, all the time. I have focused more in this series on understanding the motives behind tantrums and preventative measures, because I believe that it’s all the work we put in here that pays dividends.

I’ve yet to meet two parents who’ve ever agreed 100% on the best ways to raise children. Most parents and carers have varied yet passionate opinions on how to deal with a child who is throwing a tantrum. I’m going to reiterate that these ideas are only my approach, and I enjoy open discussion on the wide variety of ways other parents deal with it. Don’t be afraid to be creative in your approach, try your own ideas. You know your child better than anyone else in the world. As always, let’s respect each others’ differences and let everyone have the freedom to have the floor with their opinions.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, I’m going to focus on the tantrums where a child doesn’t get something they desperately want. I have a few ‘constants’ that do not change, regardless of the childs’ age:

I don’t say no, then say yes after the tantrum.

Your child wants an ice cream. For whatever reasons, you’ve said no. Child screams, maybe even throws themselves on the floor. This is stressful for parents and carers. Often it seems easier and so tempting to just say, ‘oh, alright then, you can have the ice cream!’ If you do this, I guarantee that the tantrum will stop instantly. I also guarantee that your child will throw more tantrums in the near future and will probably take longer to move out of this tantrum stage of their lives.

What happens when a child is given in to like this, is that the child is rewarded for expressing their wants in an inappropriate way. No, we don’t expect perfect behaviour from a one year old, or a three year old. It’s normal for them to try to see what will work for them. But it’s up to us to teach them better ways to express this. When we teach our children that screaming for what we want doesn’t achieve the desired result, over time they become capable of finding other ways to ask for things, also to accept that sometimes it’s no.

What would happen if we applied for a job and didn’t get it? Asked a potential love interest out on a date and were rejected? Would kicking and screaming help the situation? No. Does this mean that we expect our children to behave like adults at all times? No. We expect our children to try inappropriate behaviour, and then we repetitively teach them what the actual expectation will be of them in the real world. We spend this time preparing them.

So if it’s no when my child first asks, then it’s no after they’ve had a tantrum too.

Ignore the tantrum.

Now, I don’t want people to say, ‘but what if they’re hungry/tired? They’re upset because they need something!’ Yes, I agree. In those cases, if that is the cause, as I’ve already covered in previous topics, you deal with it. But today I’m talking about dealing with tantrums where a child does not like hearing the word, ‘no’.

I find that a child tantrumming over not getting what they wanted is much like dealing with someone who is ranting when they’re drunk. You can’t reason with them during the rant. I personally choose not to reward the behaviour with attention. Once they have calmed down, then I will talk to them about the situation. I am a strong believer in letting a child have their thoughts sometimes. Giving them time to themselves to reflect on what they are doing. Thinking about if it’s even working. I remember back all the way to two years of age in my childhood. I remember throwing tantrums. One of the most loving things my parents did for me was to leave me alone with my head, and let me make sense of it. If I am concerned that my child is in danger or putting others in danger, then I move them somewhere safe and leave them to it.

Create a diversion.

I’ve added this idea more for the very young tantrummers, say between the ages 1-2 years old. Because their attention span can be shorter, often we can redirect the behaviour towards another activity or interest. A child may be ready to scream for that ice cream, but if we can say, ‘look Gretel, there’s a fire truck! It’s big and it’s red and let’s go play with it/look at it!’ sometimes the child will forget all about it.

Some may consider this rewarding the behaviour. I disagree. They’ve forgotten their tantrum, and they didn’t get the ice cream, did they?

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Language as a tool against tantrums

Written on May 8th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

This week I’ve been talking a lot about tantrums. We’ve talked about the ‘why‘, the triggers and today I’m talking about how we can use language to help our child and ourselves.

I’ve mentioned before the frustration a child feels when they lack the ability to put their wants and feelings into words. So my best tip in tantrum prevention, and getting through the tantrum phase more quickly and easily is expanding on a child’s communication skills.

Give your child a vocabulary for emotions.

If children can put a word to different feelings, or know what they mean, it becomes a way of communicating what they are feeling. My three year old son has been taught to differentiate common feelings: happy, sad, angry. We also have taught him the meaning of the feeling, ‘frustration’ and ‘disappointment’. These are two feelings that are very common causes of tantrums, and very hard emotions for kids to put into words, unless we use them often. We did this with Missy 9 when she was in the tantrum stage, also. Often, my son will use these words to describe how he’s feeling, and when he’s too upset to tell us, we can ask him (‘are you upset, angry, frustrated?’) and he will nod or shake his head at the word he is feeling. Usually, once we’ve nailed how he’s feeling, we find he can’t help but start talking about what is bothering him.

Some ways we can teach kids to understand different feelings:

- through pretend play. You, or your child/ren can act out different feelings. Make it fun. Kids love watching mums and dads pretending to cry. Little sadists, they are… You can pretend with toys, puppets, whatever you like.

- through songs. Try, ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ or, ‘how do you feel today?’

- via stories. When you’re reading a story with your child, stop to look at the pictures. Ask your child how they think the character is feeling. If it’s a feeling that is sad, angry, etc you can ask the child, ‘what do you think would make him happy again?’

- when watching tv shows. You can ask the same sorts of questions as you would when reading a story.

- encourage them to observe other people, such as their brothers or sisters and think about how they are feeling. This has the side benefit of encouraging compassion for others as well.

- give names to the feelings when they come over the child. I’ve mentioned before that when any of my children are frustrated, particularly when little, I will say, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you?’ or, ‘I can see how angry/upset you are’.

- through art. When your child is drawing or painting, or creating something, you can sometimes bring discussion about feelings into it. If your child is drawing a person or an animal, you can ask your child how the person in the drawing is feeling, and what made them feel that way. You can ask what would make the animal happy.

- when you’re listening to music, talk about whether it sounds like a sad song, a happy song, an angry song, etc.

Help your child to widen their vocabulary in general.

The more language skills a child has, the less they will tantrum.

- Talk to your child often, talk about what they are doing, what you are doing, describe how you are walking up the steps together, or washing your tummy in the bath, describe anything that occurs in your day.

- Tell your child the names of objects, and praise them when they try to say them. An important one was for us to teach our daughter the word, ‘cup’. Once she could attempt to say that word, we managed to remove that tantrum trigger, because we could make out what she was trying to say. In turn, she learnt that saying words was a more likely way to meet her needs and wants than screaming or grunting, and led to her wanting to try other words, too.

- Read with your child often. We all know this is an obvious way to develop a child’s language skills, but it’s still important to mention it here.

Role model language when you are angry/upset/frustrated.

We can teach our children that us adults get upset, frustrated and angry too. If children can see us showing appropriate ways of expressing those feelings, it makes it so much easier for them to see what we expect them to do when it’s their turn. Think about what you do or say when you are angry. Do you yell and scream? Do you slam things on the table?

Hey, we’re all human, and we all sometimes react in a way we wished we hadn’t. I’m not just talking about with our children, I’m talking about with life in general. This isn’t intended to judge anyone, or criticise at all. But I know in myself, my moods and my temper can easily get the better of me at times, and it’s important to keep it or get it in check, because I have three pairs of eyes watching how I handle it. Learning about the ‘done thing’ by adults, so to speak.

Here’s the list of what I like to aim for in terms of role modelling these feelings in front of children:

- I try to tell my kids how I’m feeling. I don’t always go into why I’m upset or angry, because sometimes they are for adult reasons, and not my childrens’ burden to bear. But if they can handle the reason I’m feeling a certain way, I aim to tell them. Examples are:

‘I’m just really angry because the cat scratched my leg and it hurts a lot.’

‘I’m frustrated because I’ve been trying to open this jar and it’s stuck!’

‘I’m disappointed, because I wanted vegemite on toast, but now the jar’s empty’

- I try to tell the kids what I think I might do about it.

‘I think I need to sit down for a minute until I calm down, and my leg stops hurting’

‘Maybe I’ll ask Daddy if he can help me to open this jar.’

‘Oh well, I might have cereal for breakfast instead’.

I have deliberately used the words, ‘aim for’ and ‘try to’ when making up this list. The reason being, is that I’m human and I fall short often. Most people do, it’s human nature. The good news is, we can teach our kids through role modelling, what not to do as well!

Kids sometimes get really scared of their tantrums, because they know they are out of control, and it’s not a nice feeling for them. They might think it makes them ‘bad’, or think we won’t love them as much because they weren’t completely perfect. What if they could see adults making errors in their judgement, losing control? (Within reason, of course) Won’t that make them feel that they’re not so bad when it happens to them? I think so!

Sometimes, like a lot of parents, I’ve yelled when I know I shouldn’t have at people, including my kids. I think it can help a lot to apologise to our kids if they see us go over the top. An example:

‘I’m sorry I was silly before. I shouldn’t have yelled like that. I think I should’ve just walked away to calm down.’

If any of you have ever seen your child copy the way you do something, be it a phrase you often use, or facial mannerisms, you’ll know just how powerful your example is to your children. Good or bad. I find my two older kids often come back to me later after they’ve overreacted to something, and really surprised me with a heartfelt apology, and an explanation why they lost control. An example could be Missy 9: ‘I’m sorry I was rude at the shops. I really wanted that magazine, and when you said no, I still really wanted it. I promise I’ll try not to nag you next time’.

When this genuine sort of apology is given to me, I like to thank them, and let them know we all make mistakes, and the main thing is to learn from them so next time we can try to do things differently.

I hope you come back to read my next post about public tantrums. I know this is the type most of us struggle with! I’m also going to talk about what we can do if you’ve avoided the triggers, you’ve done everything you can to avoid tantrums, and your child still has a tantrum anyway. Kelly from Be a Fun Mum has aptly suggested I call it, ‘Parents Eat Humble Pie’. I must say, it has its merits!

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Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Written on May 4th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

So far, I’ve been talking about tantrums and the different types there are. Today I want to get readers thinking in terms of triggers. Sometimes, when our child first starts a new sort of tantrum, we can be mystified as to what made them so frustrated and upset. Often in the heat of the moment, it can seem like they are having tantrums for no apparent reason. When we become aware that certain events can trigger tantrums, and begin to observe what else is going on at the time, we can work on tantrum prevention, or minimising the extent of the tantrum.

Squiggle Mum shared with us her tantrum tracker which can help a parent or carer to remember triggers, or to watch for a pattern, or a commonality in tantrums, thank you Squiggle Mum!

This list is not extensive, but you may be able to relate some of them to your child’s tantrums. If not, it’ll give you a good idea of what sorts of things to look out for. When looking for triggers, my suggestion is to start when you have a full day to just observe your child in their day to day routine. Obviously, you still have other things you have to do at the same time! But here’s a good list of common tantrum triggers:

- As mentioned before, frustration at lack of language. I find with my children, it’s usually been because they’ve wanted the same item repeatedly, so I use one word to describe what they want, eg, ‘cup’. When they start grunting, pointing and reaching madly, that’s when I ask, ‘cup? Do you want your cup?’ If they relax and look happy, then you’ve got it! Eventually, they will make an attempt to say the word, even if they don’t say properly, you’ll know that’s their word. Often, a child might come up with a hand action that relates to that item they often want. If you can keep aware of these subtle movements, then it can become a way for your child to communicate with you. Many parents also like to teach their children simple sign language actions to help their child through this stage.

- Tiredness. Does your child often start throwing tantrums a little before bedtime or naptime? Or have they had a busy day and are tired just because? I have sometimes moved my childrens’ naptimes forward by about half an hour, just so that they don’t have to get to that stage. If they are no longer napping, sometimes just some time with a story or other quiet play can help to diffuse a tantrum triggered by tiredness.

- Hunger. Little ones can get grouchy sometimes if they are hungry. Do they often have a tantrum right before lunch? Or dinner? This has been the case with all of my kids at some stage when they’ve been very young, and like the tiredness trigger, moving the eating routine forward just a tiny bit can help to quell prospective tantrums in the future.

- Trying to learn a new skill. Often, when a child takes on a new challenge, such as trying to put a puzzle together, dress themselves, or anything that is important to them to master, at first, they can’t do it. The bottom line is, for a little kid, they just want to do it, and when they can’t, it sucks. An offer of help from a well-meaning parent or sibling can compound the problem, because they don’t want someone else to do it for them, they want to do it themselves.

I tend to say to my children in this situation, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you? You want to put those socks on’. I find doing this first allows the child to feel that someone at least understands their dilemma, and this can often calm them enough for a moment. Kids who hear this also tend to be more open to what you are going to say next, because they know you are both now working towards the same goal. I try very hard to keep my hands off what they are doing for as long as I can (it’s their skill to master, remember?).

Next, depending on the child’s developmental stage, I will either ask them why they think it isn’t working or gently tell them what isn’t working, and make a suggestion as to what might make the job easier. ‘The sock is a lot smaller than your foot, isn’t it? But what if we stretch this elastic out to make it bigger? Then your foot will fit into it better, and you can slide it on more.’ What will often happen, is the child will try out your idea, and it will either work and they’ll feel wonderful, or it won’t work, but because they’ve had the chance to try, they might be more open to letting you help with the last part of the task for them.

- Siblings or other children bothering them. This one is tricky. If another child is repeatedly upsetting your child, you may not see it very often. The other child may wait until you are not looking before snatching a toy from the child prone to tantrums (especially if it’s a younger child, more so if that child cannot yet speak much), hitting them, saying something to upset the child, or doing one of the many things kids can do to drive each other up the wall. This is where the observation stuff comes in very handy.

Usually, you can try to be unobtrusive and discover what is being done by the other child to bother your child so much. Many parents and carers can get quite a shock at what they find! If you have an especially careful child, you might not see it happen even if you are watching with an eagle eye. When this is the case, I usually get one of the other siblings not involved in the power play to keep an eye out for me, and let me know what the other child is doing.

The great thing about this is that it provides the child throwing the tantrum with an immense sense of relief and you can go on to deal with the other child’s behaviour.

It’s so useful to become aware of the triggers to your child’s tantrums. Facilitating understanding can lessen your frustration with your child’s tantrum, and help you to more clearly come up with a plan of how to deal with it. When parents and carers start watching for the triggers, they often find that the tantrum they have everyday, is at the same time, and at the same part of the routine. My two year old was often having a tantrum session right before lunch, as she was hungry and tired. When this happened, I would quickly put on her favourite ‘The Fairies’ dvd, which settled her instantly, just for long enough for me to make some lunch. I fed her then quickly popped her into bed for a nap. Once I began moving her lunch and nap time forward just a tiny bit, we managed to prevent the whole shebang. So, the main point I’d like to focus on, is that it’s the pattern that we watch for with triggers.

My next post will be about using language to help you and your child to navigate more smoothly through the tantrum stage. I’d also like to just say quickly, that I’m enjoying the responses on this series. I love that everyone commenting is so passionate about their own experiences!

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Tantrums – Why do Children Have Them?

Written on May 2nd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

My last post here was about tantrums, and the beginning of my little tantrums series. I’m back from a little rest to share the next installment.

There are different reasons that children have tantrums. I promised to tell you about two types, but have since remembered it should be three. Hmm, lucky I had that rest! Haha.

The lack of language tantrum

This is common in especially young children, you guessed it, with little or no verbal skills yet. The child wants something, tries to ask for it, does not have the ability yet to communicate this in words, and becomes frustrated. Often, these types of tantrums can start out with the child reaching towards something, or pointing, or grunting, ‘uh, uh, UH!’ As you would expect, once the child becomes more competent at saying words and later speaking in sentences, these tantrums stop. Also, if a parent or carer is able to figure out what the child is asking for, this can also quickly diffuse the frustration, and often a child will be visibly relieved when this happens.

The transition tantrum

Let me first explain what a transition is, in this instance. A transition is when a child is doing one activity (it could be a fun play activity, or it could be a routine activity, such as eating breakfast, or having a bath) then is moved by a carer or parent into another activity. For example; Missy 2 had a tantrum last night when we took her out of the bath to go get dried. This time in between is the transition.

The child may throw a tantrum at a time like this, because they were enjoying what they were previously doing, or simply because they were settled there. Transitions to a small child can feel like a major upheaval, because in every toddler’s busy day, they are doing different things; waking up, eating breakfast, getting dressed, playing, going places possibly, going inside, going outside, and so on. They thrive on stability and live in the ‘now’. When the ‘now’ is perpetually changed, through no fault of the adult, it can be unsettling for them.

Because they didn’t get something they wanted.

This tantrum is usually followed by the adult in charge saying ‘no’. I know this type of tantrum can be the most frustrating for the adult in charge to deal with, and it’s also the most frustrating for the child. The two types of tantrums mentioned previously can be more clearly defined as a developmental stage that can be worked through quite easily (with a bit of effort) until that developmental stage passes.

But not getting what you want? Not quite as easy. But not impossible, either. In my last post, Sal shared that as parents, they sing to their daughter the excellent Rolling Stone’s song, ‘You can’t always get what you want’ and that works for their child. I chuckled, because in the past, we’ve used it too! I also knew two other mothers who said they used it as well. I find my kids have been annoyed when we’ve sung it, but as Sal pointed out, it does breed a small level of acceptance.

Tomorrow I’m going to move onto how we can work out a child’s tantrum triggers and how to avoid them. In the meantime, you can check out Squigglemum’s tantrum tracker for a great way to observe and become more aware of why your child is having tantrums, and to give you a direction on how to deal with it. Thanks for sharing, Squigglemum! It ties in beautifully.

I’d love to hear what sort of tantrums your children are having; are they due to a language barrier, transitions, hearing the word no, or a bit of each? I know with Missy 2, she is just moving out of the language barrier tantrums, but is still having the other two types. My three year old son is also having the second two types.

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