This installment in my anger in children series has taken a while to write, but here we are at last! I began that series before my infamous blog crash, and am slowly catching up on things around here.
One thing that’s clear about teaching our children how to express their anger appropriately, is that they don’t just start behaving perfectly after one outburst, one chat or one consequence. Children learn best via repetition, especially when it relates to behaviour.
Children need the rules repeated many times
Children have so many things they are learning at any given time, and for the under fives, they will not be able to remember all the boundaries you’ve set for appropriate ways to express anger. They will need to to have the rules/expectations/alternative responses repeated to them many times in order for them to be able to take them on board and put them into action.
The rules will feel foreign to them at first. It feels so natural for a child to hit back at a child who has hit them, and really, what we’re asking of them goes against the grain for little kids. It’s important to stick with it and don’t panic or give up if it feels as though your child is thumbing their nose at what you’re saying.
I remember when my eldest daughter was four and having some explosive anger outbursts! I found myself wondering where I’d gone wrong, panicking that what I was doing wasn’t working and basically second guessing my approach. Should I try something different? Is she ever going to actually learn? I’ll tell you, kids may act as though they’re refusing to listen to you, but deep inside, they are! It didn’t take long for her to learn what was expected of her, and now we rarely have a problem with her reacting inappropriately.
Likewise, with my son who was four when I began writing this series and is now five, he is getting it! Yet I went through a stage where I felt as though he never would! We need to have some faith in ourselves, faith in our children and some good old fashioned persistence.
It takes time for kids to become aware of the reactions of others to their anger
When children are younger, they’re more egocentric. The main concern is for how they feel. As they mature and grow, they become increasingly aware of the feelings of others. They become more concerned about others too. The more we talk to our kids about how anger works and how it should be expressed, the more children begin to notice how others feel when they get angry.
My son, over time, soon came to expect others to cry if he hurt them, or become equally angry in return. He soon learnt that if he didn’t hurt others or break their property, he was still ‘allowed’ to feel angry and would even be praised for expressing it in a healthy way! Once he experienced this a few times, he felt much more safe in his anger, and it seemed that it had less of an over powering ‘hold’ over him. Children can become quite frightened of their own anger, as if it almost takes over them and makes them feel as though they’re losing control.
The best gift we can give our kids is the security of feeling as though they have control over their feelings, and not the other way around. They can feel angry and still believe they’re a good person, both during and after the feeling. This is far better for a child’s self esteem than knowing they’re taking their anger to a harmful level and feeling as though they are ‘bad’ because of it.
It takes time for kids to observe others getting angry
Once children have an idea about the rules and expectations they are to follow when they’re angry, you will notice them watching how others, young and old, deal with their anger. My son notices his younger sister getting angry and throwing things. He flinches, and cries if he gets hurt. He sees how it feels. He sees that there are consequences for her, too.
He sees his older sister get angry. He sees her try to talk about it, or go off somewhere by herself to cool down. He sees that there are only positive outcomes when she does this. My son sees my partner and I get angry. We try to model healthy ways to express it, and if we fall short, he sees that we apologise and realises everyone is held accountable to the same expectations.
Now my son is aware of what is a reasonable way to express anger and what is not, he is keenly aware of everyone else’s behaviour when we’re out in public, or even in books or on tv. I can see that in his mind, he’s measuring it all up against the rules that have been set before him.
My son can now see, after repeated experience, how unpleasant harmful explosions of anger can be, and how easy healthy anger release can be. That anger isn’t something that has to be feared. Everyone gets angry, and it’s a part of life, and it’s perfectly acceptable. I think when children start out expressing their anger in a harmful way, they feel as though they’re in trouble for being angry in the first place! They don’t realise that it’s simply the way they’re reacting to their anger that is causing the problem.
It’s the repeated experience, over and over again, that teaches them what to do.
It takes time for children to form their own strategies and test them
As I’ve mentioned before, my son enjoyed pillow fights most of all as a way to release his anger without harming others. Over time, he’s become confident to control his anger enough to stop and tell me what he is angry about. He’s also taught himself to count to ten before reacting.
I’ve heard many people suggest the ‘count to ten’ method. I’ve never bothered to suggest it to my kids, because I don’t use it myself, and could never see the point. Yet this was an idea my son came up with on his own, and it works better for him than any other technique. I also notice that as he’s counting quietly to himself, he’s breathing deeply too! It comes down to what I said earlier: having faith in your child’s abilities.
The more my son tests different techniques, the more he’s working out which ones help him, and which ones he’d prefer not to use. With repetition, it has become a habit, something he can do now with less thought. He’s now empowered. Hell, so am I! Well… not really. You see, now Missy 3 is picking up where he left off, and I’ll be starting all these teachings again from scratch! Oh well, never a dull moment, I guess.
I liken teaching kids about healthy anger management to learning to put a new puzzle together. You start out not knowing how to do it, and it’s a slow process to put the whole picture together. Then, eventually, you come up with strategies (for example, starting with the straight-edged pieces) to work through the challenge. You find when you attempt the puzzle a second time it’s a little easier, and if you’ve completed it twenty times, you can do it on auto-pilot.
This is where the repetition of anger management techniques come into play for kids; consistently let them know your expectations, give them healthy strategies and let them practice them over and over again. Eventually, they will ‘get’ it.
Which stage are you at with your kids at the moment? Are they at the stage where it’s not out of hand yet, or just starting to explode? Or are they at the stage where they can get it out healthily?
