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Helping Kids to Make Choices

Written on January 21st, 2011 by Hear Mum Roar in Cognitive, Emotional, Experiences, January 2011, Language, Preschool aged, School aged, Social

My two year old daughter and four year old son stress me out all day long. It’s true. They’re both at the age where they are fighting for autonomy and trying to be ‘big’ and helpful. This is fine and dandy, but it can get to the stage where every little thing becomes a power struggle. All developmentally normal behaviour, but terribly draining. What kids this age are really fighting for, is just a chance be heard. To have a say, make a choice.

When was the last time someone demanded you do something, without giving you a choice? Ok, yeah yeah. If you’ve got under fives, it’s everyday, I know! Let’s be more specific. When was the last time an adult demanded something of you? How did you like it? Our kids are no different! And even though Missy 10 is obviously more emotionally mature than her siblings, it’s still important to her, too. As she journeys further through puberty, this need will become more prevalent than ever before.

What if I told you that giving your kids more choices would save you time? Result in happier, more co-operative children? Children more keen to listen to reason? When a child encounters an adult who allows them choices, they are more respectful towards that adult, and receptive to them.

But my three year old can’t handle choices, you say! Everyday, she stares into her wardrobe, pulls all the clothes out and can’t decide what she wants. The idea is to start with choices they can handle, and over time, they’ll be capable of more and more.

The green or the blue?

I don’t give my two children under five a choice out of twenty things. For example, if I’m getting them dressed, I offer two suitable outfits per child, and ask them, ‘which one would you like to wear today?’ This is a simple choice for them to make, it’s not overwhelming, and they can walk away from the experience feeling empowered and important.

Take turns at choosing

It can be challenging when you have two little ones who both want to make a choice about what they’re doing together and disagree. This is just priceless. Two kids throwing a tantrum, because they both just want what they want. Yay. If we’re having tv time, we try to make sure everyone gets a turn to choose. So, Mr 4 will yell out, ‘I want to watch Thomas!’ But the answer will be, ‘no, you chose the dvd last time, now it’s Missy 2′s turn to choose’. Yes, there is some sulking, but because the kids are used to being given turns, they accept it and know their turn will come. It’s important for kids to learn that there are others in the family too, and everyone matters. This teaches them respect for others.

It also makes it easier for them to accept if mum or dad wants to watch their own show. Yes, mums and dads matter too! Some families let their members take turns at who chooses what is for dinner each night. I want to do this, but I’m just not that organised right now! If you can do it though, go for it. It cuts out a lot of complaining about food dislikes. It guarantees that every night, at least someone will like the meal.

Let them choose parts of the daily routine

Kids under five often really get their knickers in a knot when they want to do something themselves. Missy 2 is potty training at the moment. She loves it. However, she was screaming every time she had an accident. Of course, I told her it was ok, but she kept screaming. I couldn’t make out what she was saying. We eventually deciphered that she wanted to be the one to put her undies in the laundry to be washed! This reiterates what I was talking about with tantrums caused by lack of language.

So now, Missy 2, feeling empowered by this new sense of autonomy, insists on always putting her undies in the laundry and walking with me to get a clean pair. As we walk back, she’ll say, ‘come on, Mummy!’ It’s very cute, but she really feels she’s the boss of that moment. I don’t give my kids full reign over all of our routines, but if their days are punctuated by moments like this, it makes their days more joyful. I think it’s nice when everyone in the family gets some say in the daily routine of the household.

All of our kids have created their own bed time rituals too. We still have some shockers of nights. Tonight was a good example of one of those, but I think that had more to do with the fact that all three knew I was planning to write this post! We let the kids choose what they’d like to take to bed, what song they’d like us to sing, etc. They all have different needs.

Missy 2′s are simple. I want to go to bed. She likes picking a flower to take to bed, but at the moment the flower bushes are too bare! But she likes to go to bed, where her pretty flower sheets and butterfly curtains are, that her mum made. She usually picks out a few toys to snuggle with.

Mr 4 needs comforting, as he’s at the age of nightmares, and an overactive imagination. So, as a result, his routine has evolved into a quiet cuddle and a chat about anything that’s worrying him. He’s also been a bit more clingy, because his dad’s been in and out of hospital over the years and will be going back again soon.

Missy 10 likes to read before bed. We mostly let her, unless it’s getting too late. She likes to fill up her water bottle to take to her room, clear her toys off her bed, and she has her bed toys and blankets set up a certain way. She always asks if the puppies can come in to ‘say goodnight’, and if they’re agreeable, we allow it. Sometimes they end up falling asleep snuggling her!

More rope as they get older

As Missy 10 embarks on adolescence, she approaches a time where kids have a biological need to break away from their parents. It’s at this stage, they are subconsciously preparing for adulthood, the big, bad world. As terrifying as this is for us parents, it’s important to not suddenly revoke all choices from them in fear! Can you imagine the rebellion?

I’m finding that our daughter is happy to respect our wishes (rules), if we give her choices within that. So, she can choose the movie we go to see, sometimes, but it has to be something we feel is appropriate. We also try to help her understand the reasoning behind it. Usually, it’s along the lines of, ‘that one’s a bit too adult sweety, but in a couple of years, you’ll love it!’, ‘this one is pretty scary’, or ‘that one’s a bit too rude for kids your age’. We all agree that these are good reasons, so it works out. Because she’s been told she’s getting closer to being able to watch more mature things soon, it’s given her something to look forward to.

It’ll be interesting to see how this all pans out once she’s a teen, huh?

What choices have your kids been making lately?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – will you let your child see the movie?

Written on November 19th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Care, Challenges, Emotional, Good times, November 2010, Parenting, Soap box

If you’re a true Harry Potter fan, then you’ll know that tonight is an important night in the grand scheme of things: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is on at the movies! Squeeee!!!

All of us here, bar Missy 2 are gigantic Harry Potter fans. We have every single book (although Chamber of Secrets has gone missing; we must replace it immediately) and DVD. My fiance, Missy 10 and I have read all the books a gazillion times (Missy 10′s been reading the books since she was 6, and watching the movies since she was 2. She’s truly grown up on Harry Potter). The movies? We’ve watched those a gazillion times one hundred. We’ve even had Harry Potter movie marathons.

Mr 4 loves his Harry Potter as well, but obviously just watches the DVDs at his age. Which leads me to the great debate that always comes up every time the next movie in the series is released: is it right to take a child to see Harry Potter at the movies?

It’s a debate I’ve been quite vocal about in many forums. There’s always someone claiming, ‘I went to see Harry Potter last night, and I couldn’t believe that an 8 year old was allowed to go see it!’ I often wonder if it’s my child they’re talking about.

We’ve probably been taking Missy 10 to see the latest Harry Potter movie since she was about six, maybe? Much to many peoples’ horror. Yes, we know they’re not rated for her age. Many have shown concern that young children might be scared by these movies.

When the Prisoner of Azkaban was released in theatres, that seemed to bring out the strongest reaction from the punters. Many were concerned that the Dementors would frighten children. My daughter had already read it, and seemed just fine. Plus, she’d seen every other movie in the series by that time without any fear, so we felt confident in our decision. It turns out, she was fine. It was exciting for her to think about how she imagined the story from the book, then see it made into a movie.

The Goblet of Fire movie also drew concern for keeping children from watching it. Why? ‘Because it’s got dragons in it’, I was told by several people. Hmm. Dragons are one of my daughter’s favourite things, right up there with dinosaurs. She’s loved dragons for years now, attracted to the mythology of them. It turned out, during the predicted ‘scariest’ part of the movie featuring the dragons, she laughed loudly in the movie theatre at how fast the dragons were as they chased the Tri Wizard Cup contenders.

Mr 4 has watched all of the series at home, and has never had a problem. Would I take him to the movies to see this new movie? No. Only because at his age, I know he won’t be able to sit still through it. But I would take him to a Disney movie and put up with his fidgeting. As for Missy 2, she has been brought up with Harry Potter in the background from birth, and we’ve never had a problem. She likes certain parts of the movies, but at her age, they don’t hold her attention very well.

When we make a decision about whether or not a movie is suitable for our children, we don’t adhere to the ratings. We take note of them, indeed, but for us they are more of a guideline. We’re more likely to think about the personality of each child, what they are afraid of, what they are interested in and of course, our values.

We generally aren’t keen on movies that are too violent, but we make the exception with Harry Potter, because we feel that it is a classic tale of the fight between good and evil. Not that we feel it’s overly violent anyway, any fights are usually of the magical kind, so it’s not really the same thing.

We also avoid movies that we feel would sexualise our children at too early an age. If we’re still undecided on a movie we haven’t seen, we’ll watch it first to check if we think it’s suitable or not. So far, this has worked for us.

What’s your approach with children and movies? Do you follow the ratings by the book? Do you watch everything first, before you let your child? Do you have some other way you decide? Also, have you seen the latest Harry Potter movie yet? How was it??

Students’ homework: how much should we help?

Written on August 3rd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in August 2010, Challenges, Cognitive, Emotional, Parenting, School aged

Does your child have lots of homework? Do they breeze through, or loathe it? And what of our role as parents? Should we sit down at the table as they figure it out, or do we leave them to their own devices?

My opinion on the subject is to let the child work as independantly as possible, but to also keep aware of their progress and give help if and when it’s required. There is a healthy balance, and I have some suggestions on how encourage your child to act as an independant learner whilst offering an appropriate level of parental involvement.

Set a positive tone.

Here’s a rough idea of our after school routine:

- put away school bag and have 15 minutes of ‘flop’ time. Us oldies never liked being bombarded with demands as soon as we walk in the door from our job (in my case, back in the dinosaur ages!). Let’s give our kids the same courtesy and give them a minute to settle in before pulling out their school books.Flop time is a chance for our daughter to sit down, put her feet up, have a quick snack, a big drink of water and go to the toilet before getting stuck into it.

- broach the subject in a positive light. What would you prefer to be told? ‘Come on, we’ve got a lot to get through…’ or, ‘Ok, once this is done, you’ve got the rest of the afternoon to play’? Focus less on the fact that’s it a chore, and more on what the child has to look forward to.

- provide a study area that has enough space for your child to be comfortable and has few distractions. Distractions can vary depending on your child, but may include tv, or other noisy siblings. Mr Four when he was a toddler, used to climb all over my poor daughter and try to grab her pencils and papers! Missy Two was a baby at the time, and was quite noisy as well. I quickly learnt to occupy them at this time of day for Missy Nine’s sake. Sometimes I would get the two younger kids involved in an activity or encourage them to play in a different room, for example. Mr Four’s favourite way to be distracted was to be given his very own book to draw in, so he felt that he was doing just what his big sister was doing.

- Consider the simple things, such as adequate sleep and nutrition. These things also play an important part in a child’s ability to concentrate and learn new things. I find when my daughter has taken her fish oil, she can focus more easily and handle life’s stresses a little more easily.

Eliminate all excuses

I’ve talked before about planning ahead by keeping extra school supplies at home. If your child leaves their pencil case at school to try to weasel their way out of their responsibilities, it will backfire on them!

Ensure your child has been to the toilet, had a drink of water, basically done all the things that are usually used as excuses to procrastinate, beforehand.

Let your child attempt the task themselves.

Question: when you’re trying to concentrate on an important job, how well do you do with someone sitting close by, watching you, interrupting you, breathing down your neck? Not well, huh? It’s no different for kids. Let your child try to solve that maths problem on their own, apply trial and error, cause and effect. Give their brain a workout. Learning to problem-solve, research and be a critical thinker is something that comes from within. No amount of trying to do this for a child will help this process.

Be prepared to help if your child gets stuck.

If your child has attempted to answer a question on their sheet and is honestly stumped, let them know you are there to help. This is another skill that will encourage your child to become an active learner: to know when to reach out for guidance. The child simply may not understand the question being asked, and may need some clarification.

Ask questions that will help your child to find the answer themselves.

When it comes to helping with a problem, giving your child the answer is not helpful, and it robs them of an important learning opportunity. Give suggestions on another way to approach the problem.

‘Could you try doing it this way instead?’

‘Where else do you think you might find more information?’

If your child is still stuck, then it’s a good time to sit down with your child, and see if you can both work it out together. At times like these, a child benefits from seeing how others, particularly adults, go about finding answers.

If your child becomes distraught, give them a short break.

Sometimes, when a child gets an especially tough question and have been trying their little hearts out, they can get frustrated and stressed. Let your child walk away for 15 minutes, stop thinking about it, have a drink of water, and come back afresh.

Encourage your child to ask their teacher for further clarification.

Sometimes, us parents just don’t know the answers. It’s good at times like this for a child to ask their teacher for further guidance. Once, I remember my daughter hadn’t listened in class when her teacher was explaining how to do a specific task. She admitted to me she didn’t understand how to answer the maths question. On further probing, she admitted why. Now, call me a bad mother, but I refused to help her.

I told her to admit to her teacher she was talking, apologise and ask for her to explain it to her again. She did this, then on her next attempt to fill out the question, was able to do it. She also learnt the hard way, that it’s important to listen to her teachers! (She may also have overheard me tell her Dad that if she didn’t ask her teacher, then I’d ring the schooland do it for her. Hehe. But that’s beside the point)

Check your child’s progess at the end of each session.

This keeps your child accountable and honest. It’s also one way we can keep involved without interfering in their learning process. We can see what our child does well, and pick up things that might need more attention.

What if my child makes a mistake?

I like to treat mistakes with as much positivity as possible. I don’t think it’s fair if a child has been slogging their heart out, only to be told, ‘you got that, that and that wrong. Not good enough.’ Now that my daughter is older, I’m so rusty on schooling that I would have no clue if she is giving the correct answer or not! And that is fine. It’s good for the teacher to know. When Missy Nine was younger, if I spotted any mistakes, I’d ask her if she wanted me to tell her which ones she got wrong, or let the teacher find them and help her later.

The perfectionist in her often wanted to know, so I would show them to her and she’d mostly see it too, and it’d be one big ‘ah-ha!’ moment. At times like that, she’d go back and correct them herself. If she was tired or had simply had enough that day, she’d leave it for the teacher. Either way, we use the attitude here that mistakes are natural, and part of the process of learning. She still can get very upset at times when she realises she can’t be perfect all the time, but hey, we’re working on it!

Praise your child’s efforts. Point out the benefits and rewards.

Let your child know how proud you are that they are giving this their best effort. Remind them when they have finished for the afternoon that they are now free to have some good old, after school fun. If they get a positive grade or comment on their report, make it clear that it’s because they’ve made such an excellent commitment.

My child is really struggling with some subjects, isn’t it up to me to fix it?

Fix it by doing it for them? No. That’s not a fix, that’s a mask. Talk to your child’s teacher about your concerns and ask what things you could do with your child to help. It might be as simple as encouraging your child to spend a little extra time on a subject, or getting some extra help via the school or a tutor.

How does your child feel about their homework?

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Balance, balance, wherefor art thou balance?

Written on June 22nd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Challenges, June 2010

This is a guest post from the lovely Kristin at Wanderlust.

Balance

I’ve always been good a good multi-tasker, a high energy person able to keep lots of balls in the air at once. Before I married I worked full-time, studied evenings and weekends for my graduate degree, stopped at the gym on my way to work in the mornings and managed to squeeze a satisfying social life in between all of this. So I imagined fitting kids into this equation wouldn’t be too hard, right? Right?? Oh settle down you in the back! If we all knew what parenthood was going to be like going into it our species would come to an abrupt halt.

Yeah, so, those images of me rocking a cradle with my foot as I put the finishing touches on my dissertation, or edited the final version of my novel? Dust. Go ahead and insert laugh track here.

The first few years of parenting are like being caught up in a cyclone. You have no idea what has hit you. You are powerless. You simply surrender because honestly, what else is there to do? You diaper, feed, soothe, bathe, dress, undress, sleep (well, not really sleep) in an endless loop. At some point, however, you wake up and realize your children have gained a modicum of independence and you can do things on your own for brief periods of time (go up and down the stairs, read a book, pee alone!) and it is deliciously liberating. It is about this time that fate whispers in your ear that perhaps, perhaps your life can be blessed with balance.

After all, there are scores of books and articles in women’s magazines dedicated to the topic. Articles with pictures of slender women with nice complexions sitting comfortably in lotus pose. It must actually exist, this balance. I’m sure I could achieve it if I just managed my time better, said “no” to the things that drained me, spent less time reading emails, took more bubble baths, dressed in earth tones and lit candles and baked organic cupcakes with my daughter, right? Right??

When I first came out of my mommy coma and started to do things for myself again, it was exquisitely gratifying, like a long rain after drought. I renewed old friendships. I read books. Lots and lots of books. I traveled to Australia with a girlfriend. I wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. All of this fed a deep need in me that I had abandoned during the selfless, faceless first years of childrearing. And yet it just touched the tip of the iceberg. Because there was still work and kids and all the day-to-day responsibilities of a life. But there was also something else. There was a noticeable backlash from my children. When I would sit down and open up my laptop (which was often) they would respond. First with sighs, later more strongly.

My daughter told me, “I think you love your computer most of all.”

My 5-year-old son: “I hate your computer.”

And two nights ago my daughter had a dream that I was leaving to go to Australia but could only take one child with me.

Wow.

Okay.

Here’s the thing. Balance is a fine concept. But it is just that. A concept. There are times in our lives when it is more achievable than others (retirement comes to mind, our twenties perhaps). I don’t think raising small children is meant to be an easy, relaxing time in our lives. Throw full-time work into the mix and it’s even less tenable. (Though, honestly, I don’t know that it’s any easier for those parents who stay at home – just a different set of challenges.) I’ve come to accept that I will probably not feel well-rested and sated in all the myriad ways I would like to be for quite some time, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean I will stop seeking balance. It’s a necessary goal. But I think of it less as a final destination and more as a mark by which I navigate, something that keeps me from going too far off course in any one direction.

Lately, this has meant closing up my computer and getting down on the floor to build a train station out of Lincoln logs. Or sewing the arm back on Bear. Again. Or baking cupcakes with the kids (not organic, sorry) and letting them lick the bowl.

My kids will probably never have as much of me as they would like. I will never have as much of me as I would like. We’ll each have to live with that and do the best we can. I’m willing to give up more of myself to them now because I know that one day, I won’t have the honor of them wanting to spend all their time with me. I want to enjoy being at the center of their universe while it lasts. Soon enough, life will call to them and I’ll be left with time on my hands. At that point, I suppose I can unearth the tub from beneath the plastic boats and crayola bath crayons and cherry bomb no-tears shampoo that currently live there, and take that coveted bubble bath.

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Flowers are red

Written on June 13th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Art, Cognitive, Craft, June 2010, Preschool aged, Soap box, Toddler

Welcome to the June Teach/Learn Blogging Carnival, ‘Kids and Learning.’

The Teach/Learn Blogging Carnival hosted by Science@home is for anyone, because we are all teachers and learners all the time. This month our theme is “Art” which doesn’t just mean doing craft – it includes music, performance art and appreciation as well! Our bloggers have come up with many different thought-provoking takes on this theme. Please read through to the end to find links to the other participating blogs.

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Hey guys! I’ve done a little experiment with my kids and videotaped the results for you to watch. It’s all about structured art activities versus open-ended ones. Please bear with me, as, apart from my sponsored review videos I’ve done and little home videos, this is my first ‘put together’ video, just for you. In a few places, it’s wrongly cropped, in many places, my hand is unsteady, but I’m please to have finally built up the courage to give it a go. My kids and I also had a lot of fun doing this. I look forward to your reactions, so please share!

I hope you will go check out all the blog posts in this great carnival.

Flowers are red from Hear Mum Roar on Vimeo.

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Visit Science@home to find out more about the Teach/Learn Blogging Carnival.

Please take the time to visit the other participants and check out their posts on “Art.”

CatWay at Adventures With Kids is getting the most out of a trip to the art gallery with ideas of how to prepare children and interest them while they are there.
Mamapoekie from Authentic Parenting argues for the importance of art and why we should be encouraging it as our children get older.
Miss Carly from Early Childhood Resources talks about how to create an environment that encourages young children to explore art.
Sharon at Hear Mum Roar has done a fantastic video post by getting her children to do an activity two different ways and letting you see the very different results.
Amanda at HomeAge has been admiring art with her daughter since she was a baby, taking her to several art exhibitions and reading books.
Kate from Picklebums talks about why art is important for little people and has a huge list of activities you can try.
The Planning Queen from Planning With Kids has tips for visiting the art gallery with kids, including links to different galleries and some ideas for activities afterwards.
Colin Wee at Super Parents is thinking about his son’s musicality as he learns to play the violin.
Deb from Science@home has her children investigating materials while making sculptures and bravely let the 2 year old use a hot glue gun.
Leechbabe from Stuff with Thing started out looking at patterns in nature, but the activity changed because she followed her children’s lead.
Monique at Your Cheeky Monkey has used an indoor activity, giving her children magazines to cut out and create collages.

Thanks for visiting, we hope you enjoy some of the posts in our carnival.

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How to be a good witness to other peoples’ kids having tantrums

Written on May 18th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

This is the last installment in my tantrum series.

Last time I wrote about tantrums, I touched on public tantrums and just how stressful and difficult they can be for a parent or carer to deal with. I talked about how busy the adult is, possibly already stressed by the errands they are running, then the child who is tantrumming, which is finally rounded off with an unhealthy dose of public interference.

This post is for anyone who’s ever judged another parent or carer of a child who had a public tantrum. Or worse, criticised or undermined a parent/carer’s best efforts at dealing with the tantrum. I write this in the hope that a parent/caregiver/child is treated better by a stranger as a result.

Dear stranger, please respect how we manage our child/rens’ behaviour.

Nobody will ever agree 100% with another parent/carer’s approach to behaviour management, but as long as the child is not being abused or put in danger, please respect that we may do it differently to how you would, and that is our right. To publicly criticise us, especially in front of our child, undermines our authority as parents, and then if they end up in juvey at 13, you will no doubt blame us, the abovementioned parents because our children ended up having no respect for us.

To throw another method/technique/idea into the works would be confusing to the child anyway.

Do not interrupt an adult dealing with a child having a tantrum

Do not talk over the parent. Do not say within the child’s earshot, ‘oh, that’s alright, he can have it!’ If the parent has said no, that needs to be respected. Do not confuse the child.

Do not stare/tut/shake your head at parent or child.

Both already feel embarrassed, stressed and frustrated. One day this could be you. Or maybe years ago, it was you, and you’ve conveniently forgotten this fine detail.

Can you do something to help?

Years ago, when my first child was two, I was trying to walk home with her, carrying far too many plastic bags of shopping. My daughter was refusing to walk, and was trying to wrestle her way to the ground and run to the road. I was trying to carry her home quickly, and juggle her and the bags. It was quite the spectacle.

Next thing I knew, a lady around my age came outside, and my guard instantly went up. Oh my god, I thought. She thinks I’m beating up my child. Or she’s going to tell me I should be. Instead, she asked me how far away I lived, and if I would like her to carry my bags so I could carry my daughter home more easily. Of course, I didn’t want to put her out, but she reassured me I wasn’t, so I said yes.

As we walked home together, she asked how old my daughter was. On telling her, she replied that she had a little girl at home the same age who would love to play with her! We exchanged numbers, and our two little ones ended up having quite a few playdates.

Most of the time, a parent or carer wants to be left to get on with the job of dealing with their child without interference. What if there were more people in this world like this lady, who offered to help with some other part of your errand and left you to deal with your child unhindered? To offer to unpack your trolley onto the conveyor belt as you managed your child’s behaviour? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if more people did this, rather than stand and gawk or criticise?

What do you wish others would do when your child has a public tantrum? And by the same token, what could you do for another parent in this situation, without undermining that parents’ methods?

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What can you do if your child has a public tantrum?

Written on May 11th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

I hope you’ve been enjoying my tantrum series.

As promised, I’m going to talk about the most feared of tantrums, the public tantrum. Before this, let’s look back on what’s been covered:

Why children have tantrums

Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Using language as a tool against tantrums

So, we’ve talked about what causes tantrums, ways we can prevent them and how to build up our childrens’ communication skills to help get through the tantrum stage more smoothly. But what about if you have implemented all of these strategies and your child still has a tantrum anyway?

Relax. Remember, it’s a normal part of a child’s development, and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It can take time for a child to learn to accept that not everything will happen they way they want it to in life, all the time. I have focused more in this series on understanding the motives behind tantrums and preventative measures, because I believe that it’s all the work we put in here that pays dividends.

I’ve yet to meet two parents who’ve ever agreed 100% on the best ways to raise children. Most parents and carers have varied yet passionate opinions on how to deal with a child who is throwing a tantrum. I’m going to reiterate that these ideas are only my approach, and I enjoy open discussion on the wide variety of ways other parents deal with it. Don’t be afraid to be creative in your approach, try your own ideas. You know your child better than anyone else in the world. As always, let’s respect each others’ differences and let everyone have the freedom to have the floor with their opinions.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, I’m going to focus on the tantrums where a child doesn’t get something they desperately want. I have a few ‘constants’ that do not change, regardless of the childs’ age:

I don’t say no, then say yes after the tantrum.

Your child wants an ice cream. For whatever reasons, you’ve said no. Child screams, maybe even throws themselves on the floor. This is stressful for parents and carers. Often it seems easier and so tempting to just say, ‘oh, alright then, you can have the ice cream!’ If you do this, I guarantee that the tantrum will stop instantly. I also guarantee that your child will throw more tantrums in the near future and will probably take longer to move out of this tantrum stage of their lives.

What happens when a child is given in to like this, is that the child is rewarded for expressing their wants in an inappropriate way. No, we don’t expect perfect behaviour from a one year old, or a three year old. It’s normal for them to try to see what will work for them. But it’s up to us to teach them better ways to express this. When we teach our children that screaming for what we want doesn’t achieve the desired result, over time they become capable of finding other ways to ask for things, also to accept that sometimes it’s no.

What would happen if we applied for a job and didn’t get it? Asked a potential love interest out on a date and were rejected? Would kicking and screaming help the situation? No. Does this mean that we expect our children to behave like adults at all times? No. We expect our children to try inappropriate behaviour, and then we repetitively teach them what the actual expectation will be of them in the real world. We spend this time preparing them.

So if it’s no when my child first asks, then it’s no after they’ve had a tantrum too.

Ignore the tantrum.

Now, I don’t want people to say, ‘but what if they’re hungry/tired? They’re upset because they need something!’ Yes, I agree. In those cases, if that is the cause, as I’ve already covered in previous topics, you deal with it. But today I’m talking about dealing with tantrums where a child does not like hearing the word, ‘no’.

I find that a child tantrumming over not getting what they wanted is much like dealing with someone who is ranting when they’re drunk. You can’t reason with them during the rant. I personally choose not to reward the behaviour with attention. Once they have calmed down, then I will talk to them about the situation. I am a strong believer in letting a child have their thoughts sometimes. Giving them time to themselves to reflect on what they are doing. Thinking about if it’s even working. I remember back all the way to two years of age in my childhood. I remember throwing tantrums. One of the most loving things my parents did for me was to leave me alone with my head, and let me make sense of it. If I am concerned that my child is in danger or putting others in danger, then I move them somewhere safe and leave them to it.

Create a diversion.

I’ve added this idea more for the very young tantrummers, say between the ages 1-2 years old. Because their attention span can be shorter, often we can redirect the behaviour towards another activity or interest. A child may be ready to scream for that ice cream, but if we can say, ‘look Gretel, there’s a fire truck! It’s big and it’s red and let’s go play with it/look at it!’ sometimes the child will forget all about it.

Some may consider this rewarding the behaviour. I disagree. They’ve forgotten their tantrum, and they didn’t get the ice cream, did they?

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Tantrum triggers and how to avoid them

Written on May 4th, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

So far, I’ve been talking about tantrums and the different types there are. Today I want to get readers thinking in terms of triggers. Sometimes, when our child first starts a new sort of tantrum, we can be mystified as to what made them so frustrated and upset. Often in the heat of the moment, it can seem like they are having tantrums for no apparent reason. When we become aware that certain events can trigger tantrums, and begin to observe what else is going on at the time, we can work on tantrum prevention, or minimising the extent of the tantrum.

Squiggle Mum shared with us her tantrum tracker which can help a parent or carer to remember triggers, or to watch for a pattern, or a commonality in tantrums, thank you Squiggle Mum!

This list is not extensive, but you may be able to relate some of them to your child’s tantrums. If not, it’ll give you a good idea of what sorts of things to look out for. When looking for triggers, my suggestion is to start when you have a full day to just observe your child in their day to day routine. Obviously, you still have other things you have to do at the same time! But here’s a good list of common tantrum triggers:

- As mentioned before, frustration at lack of language. I find with my children, it’s usually been because they’ve wanted the same item repeatedly, so I use one word to describe what they want, eg, ‘cup’. When they start grunting, pointing and reaching madly, that’s when I ask, ‘cup? Do you want your cup?’ If they relax and look happy, then you’ve got it! Eventually, they will make an attempt to say the word, even if they don’t say properly, you’ll know that’s their word. Often, a child might come up with a hand action that relates to that item they often want. If you can keep aware of these subtle movements, then it can become a way for your child to communicate with you. Many parents also like to teach their children simple sign language actions to help their child through this stage.

- Tiredness. Does your child often start throwing tantrums a little before bedtime or naptime? Or have they had a busy day and are tired just because? I have sometimes moved my childrens’ naptimes forward by about half an hour, just so that they don’t have to get to that stage. If they are no longer napping, sometimes just some time with a story or other quiet play can help to diffuse a tantrum triggered by tiredness.

- Hunger. Little ones can get grouchy sometimes if they are hungry. Do they often have a tantrum right before lunch? Or dinner? This has been the case with all of my kids at some stage when they’ve been very young, and like the tiredness trigger, moving the eating routine forward just a tiny bit can help to quell prospective tantrums in the future.

- Trying to learn a new skill. Often, when a child takes on a new challenge, such as trying to put a puzzle together, dress themselves, or anything that is important to them to master, at first, they can’t do it. The bottom line is, for a little kid, they just want to do it, and when they can’t, it sucks. An offer of help from a well-meaning parent or sibling can compound the problem, because they don’t want someone else to do it for them, they want to do it themselves.

I tend to say to my children in this situation, ‘you’re frustrated, aren’t you? You want to put those socks on’. I find doing this first allows the child to feel that someone at least understands their dilemma, and this can often calm them enough for a moment. Kids who hear this also tend to be more open to what you are going to say next, because they know you are both now working towards the same goal. I try very hard to keep my hands off what they are doing for as long as I can (it’s their skill to master, remember?).

Next, depending on the child’s developmental stage, I will either ask them why they think it isn’t working or gently tell them what isn’t working, and make a suggestion as to what might make the job easier. ‘The sock is a lot smaller than your foot, isn’t it? But what if we stretch this elastic out to make it bigger? Then your foot will fit into it better, and you can slide it on more.’ What will often happen, is the child will try out your idea, and it will either work and they’ll feel wonderful, or it won’t work, but because they’ve had the chance to try, they might be more open to letting you help with the last part of the task for them.

- Siblings or other children bothering them. This one is tricky. If another child is repeatedly upsetting your child, you may not see it very often. The other child may wait until you are not looking before snatching a toy from the child prone to tantrums (especially if it’s a younger child, more so if that child cannot yet speak much), hitting them, saying something to upset the child, or doing one of the many things kids can do to drive each other up the wall. This is where the observation stuff comes in very handy.

Usually, you can try to be unobtrusive and discover what is being done by the other child to bother your child so much. Many parents and carers can get quite a shock at what they find! If you have an especially careful child, you might not see it happen even if you are watching with an eagle eye. When this is the case, I usually get one of the other siblings not involved in the power play to keep an eye out for me, and let me know what the other child is doing.

The great thing about this is that it provides the child throwing the tantrum with an immense sense of relief and you can go on to deal with the other child’s behaviour.

It’s so useful to become aware of the triggers to your child’s tantrums. Facilitating understanding can lessen your frustration with your child’s tantrum, and help you to more clearly come up with a plan of how to deal with it. When parents and carers start watching for the triggers, they often find that the tantrum they have everyday, is at the same time, and at the same part of the routine. My two year old was often having a tantrum session right before lunch, as she was hungry and tired. When this happened, I would quickly put on her favourite ‘The Fairies’ dvd, which settled her instantly, just for long enough for me to make some lunch. I fed her then quickly popped her into bed for a nap. Once I began moving her lunch and nap time forward just a tiny bit, we managed to prevent the whole shebang. So, the main point I’d like to focus on, is that it’s the pattern that we watch for with triggers.

My next post will be about using language to help you and your child to navigate more smoothly through the tantrum stage. I’d also like to just say quickly, that I’m enjoying the responses on this series. I love that everyone commenting is so passionate about their own experiences!

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Tantrums – Why do Children Have Them?

Written on May 2nd, 2010 by Hear Mum Roar in Behaviour, Challenges, Emotional, Parenting, Preschool aged, Social, Toddler

My last post here was about tantrums, and the beginning of my little tantrums series. I’m back from a little rest to share the next installment.

There are different reasons that children have tantrums. I promised to tell you about two types, but have since remembered it should be three. Hmm, lucky I had that rest! Haha.

The lack of language tantrum

This is common in especially young children, you guessed it, with little or no verbal skills yet. The child wants something, tries to ask for it, does not have the ability yet to communicate this in words, and becomes frustrated. Often, these types of tantrums can start out with the child reaching towards something, or pointing, or grunting, ‘uh, uh, UH!’ As you would expect, once the child becomes more competent at saying words and later speaking in sentences, these tantrums stop. Also, if a parent or carer is able to figure out what the child is asking for, this can also quickly diffuse the frustration, and often a child will be visibly relieved when this happens.

The transition tantrum

Let me first explain what a transition is, in this instance. A transition is when a child is doing one activity (it could be a fun play activity, or it could be a routine activity, such as eating breakfast, or having a bath) then is moved by a carer or parent into another activity. For example; Missy 2 had a tantrum last night when we took her out of the bath to go get dried. This time in between is the transition.

The child may throw a tantrum at a time like this, because they were enjoying what they were previously doing, or simply because they were settled there. Transitions to a small child can feel like a major upheaval, because in every toddler’s busy day, they are doing different things; waking up, eating breakfast, getting dressed, playing, going places possibly, going inside, going outside, and so on. They thrive on stability and live in the ‘now’. When the ‘now’ is perpetually changed, through no fault of the adult, it can be unsettling for them.

Because they didn’t get something they wanted.

This tantrum is usually followed by the adult in charge saying ‘no’. I know this type of tantrum can be the most frustrating for the adult in charge to deal with, and it’s also the most frustrating for the child. The two types of tantrums mentioned previously can be more clearly defined as a developmental stage that can be worked through quite easily (with a bit of effort) until that developmental stage passes.

But not getting what you want? Not quite as easy. But not impossible, either. In my last post, Sal shared that as parents, they sing to their daughter the excellent Rolling Stone’s song, ‘You can’t always get what you want’ and that works for their child. I chuckled, because in the past, we’ve used it too! I also knew two other mothers who said they used it as well. I find my kids have been annoyed when we’ve sung it, but as Sal pointed out, it does breed a small level of acceptance.

Tomorrow I’m going to move onto how we can work out a child’s tantrum triggers and how to avoid them. In the meantime, you can check out Squigglemum’s tantrum tracker for a great way to observe and become more aware of why your child is having tantrums, and to give you a direction on how to deal with it. Thanks for sharing, Squigglemum! It ties in beautifully.

I’d love to hear what sort of tantrums your children are having; are they due to a language barrier, transitions, hearing the word no, or a bit of each? I know with Missy 2, she is just moving out of the language barrier tantrums, but is still having the other two types. My three year old son is also having the second two types.

You can subscribe to make sure you don’t miss out on this series if you wish.

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