In my last post of the anger in children series, I talked about mine and my families’ definition of what harmful expressions of anger are. Now, I’m talking about challenging our kids to consider the consequences of their anger. Obviously, children are individual people with little experience in stopping themselves from doing harm. Chances are they will act out inappropriately many, many times before they master the skill of managing their anger.
Although I discuss the moral reasons for harming others with my kids, morality is not a primary motivator for young children yet. Until they get to that point, I reinforce moral reasoning but also give consequences for both productive and unproductive behaviour. This motivates the child to try harder to be more civil. It establishes good habits and reinforces the rules. (I’m not necessarily talking about run-of-the-mill tantrums here. Although these ideas can help with that, too)
Motivating a child with consequences helps kids to feel good about doing the right thing and more willing to try to behave more appropriately next time. I believe hitting and doing other harmful things in anger does make them feel better in the short term. However, I also feel kids get frightened when they lose control and of the rage they’re feeling. They get torn between their anger and the ones they love. Deep down, they feel regret and may not like themselves much afterward. Having motivation to behave appropriately can set them free from these self-destructive feelings.
Time out as a consequence
I know time out isn’t popular with everyone, but I believe it has its place. When a child puts others in danger, I put them in time out to protect the other people being subject to it. It’s easy to talk about what time-out does for a child’s self esteem and such, but if others are being put in danger, I don’t give a flying fart. That child’s self esteem takes a back seat to the safety of others. I’ve had my kids become so enraged that they’ve thrown heavy items at others, or worse, hit others with them. I refuse to let the situation escalate to a point where someone ends up in hospital, if I can help it.
I’ve mentioned before that my son is at this stage of his anger, lately. We have a gate on our bedroom, with only our bed and bed linen in there. If he’s dangerously mad, I place him on the bed in there. Sometimes I talk to him in there and if he tries to hit me, I stand out of his striking distance. We talk if he’s willing. If my presence makes him madder, I leave him on his own until he’s calmed down a little. I find time alone is helpful to the child, sometimes. With no-one to make them angrier, they can mull things over.
Removal of privileges
This one’s self explanatory; take away something they value for a short time as a consequence of harmful actions.
Making amends
I mentioned this idea in the last post also. I think it’s important that kids be encouraged to be proactive in trying to ‘make things right’ again. Saying sorry is great, but sometimes children come up with more creative ideas. I believe it’s important to make amends in order for the child to take responsibility and ownership of their actions.
Talk with children about how their actions affect others besides themselves
This is where we bring in a little more moral reasoning, which is important for children to be exposed to. Some examples of consequences we might talk about with kids:
- People getting hurt
- Things getting broken.
- Being a role model. I explain to my older children that their actions, positive or not, serve as a way of teaching younger siblings how to behave. If we role model nice behaviour, our younger siblings will copy this and we can teach them right from wrong. Likewise, if we aren’t a good role model, they will copy this too. I also point out here that their younger sibling will probably direct this copied behaviour, right or wrong, at them.
- The idea that when we lose control of our anger, we rarely get what we wanted, if ever.
- If children try hard to manage their anger, they will be praised, or perhaps rewarded in some way.
What about grown-ups?
If there’s one thing kids hate more than anything, it’s being told what to do by grown-ups. In their eyes, we have it so easy and don’t have to be held accountable to anyone for our actions. It helps kids immensely to learn that we are just as accountable for our actions, if not more. It also opens their eyes as to how the real world works, and what they are preparing for in all of this. I like to talk about consequences grown ups face if they let their anger become harmful in the following ways:
- People won’t be their friend.
- They could go to jail for assault.
- They could lose their job.
- They might have to pay money to replace/repair items they damaged.
A consequence of not letting it out
This consequence is, I think, too complex to be discussing with young children, but I think it’s important for us as parents to reflect upon. When people suppress their anger most of the time, (or other emotions) it becomes a painful existence. Sometimes the pain becomes so unbearable that teens and adults may turn to drugs or self-harm to try to numb the pain. This is one consequence that is constantly in the back of my thoughts, reminding me to let my children express their pain. They need to be encouraged to feel it, and know they can and do survive it.
Do you challenge your children to think about the consequences of their anger?
Other reading:
Dealing with anger in children
Finding the source of your child’s anger
Healthy ways children can express their anger
